Monthly Archives: December 2014

Satirical Magazine Announce Catastrophic Social Media Button Outage Following Liver-Busting Binge Drinking Session

drunk cat

Soz Satire’s office cat, Bubbles McBiteyson, pictured in a clearly agitated state last night following the social media buttons drama

 

The deeply unpopular satire and humour-based magazine, Soz Satire,  have attracted more ignominy and derision after all of their social media buttons malfunctioned following a drink-fuelled rampage by magazine staff through the East End of London on Christmas Eve.

Editor in chief, Clivey Dee, 9, told us last night. “It’s all a bit of a worry really. One minute we were having a drink-fuelled rampage through the East End of London and then the next minute all our social media buttons were in shit state. I’ve got a feeling North Korea have given the site a shafting because of Lenny’s constant piss-taking of Kim Yong-un. I told him no good would come of it”

Health & Fitness section editor, Gerald “Inchcock” Chambers said “Social media buttons you say? I don’t know anything about it to be honest with you. Did I ever tell you I’m having a spot of bother with my nob?”

The rest of the staff were unavailable for comment as they had been remanded in custody after a period of unrest in Whitechapel Road during the early hours of Christmas Day, but the mother of the pictures editor, Mrs Mary Artful-Dodger, 175, said “Social media buttons gone tits up eh? Well I must say it doesn’t surprise me one bit. They’re just a bunch of diabolical piss artists and total fuckwits who deserve everything they get to be honest. Apart from Inchy, who only drinks to forget his nob trouble, the poor little bleeder”

To witness for yourself the total inability of the magazine’s social network buttons to work, why not visit:

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

ADVISORY NOTICE: I wouldn’t bother clicking on any of the social network buttons if I were you. They’re all fucked, trust me.

Clivey

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THE DARK SIDE

kim.jong.un_portrait - Copy Another diary entry by Kim Jong Un, Supreme Leader of North Korea.

 

Dear diary,

Today I found out the moon doesn’t belong to anyone, so I told my advisors I want to have it. They said it belongs to no one, but then I said that’s why I want it. Sometimes my advisors can be really stupid.

Then I asked if the moon costs money, of which I have a lot. I have a total of five billion dollar. My advisors told me the moon costs exactly what I have plus one dollar. So I asked my senior advisor for a dollar, but then he told me I wouldn’t have any money left for food.

That was a good point.

So I ended up buying 51% of the moon, mostly the dark side, because my advisors said if I will ever go to the moon, I should go to the dark side, where nobody has ever been.

I already designed this plaque so everyone knows it's mine.

Now I only have about 2.5 billion dollar, but that’s still enough because food doesn’t cost that much. And if I need more money, the people of North Korea are always happy to give it to me. It’s Christmas, after all.

My senior advisor said I could give the money to him and that he would take it to the Moon Office, which I had never heard of. Later he called me and said everything was okay and that I now own the dark side of the moon. I told my senior advisor I wanna go there next summer, but he said I don’t have enough money for a trip. So I asked him how much it costs. He said a trip to the moon costs all the money in North Korea plus one dollar.

So I called my best friend Dennis Rodman and asked him for one dollar. He wanted to know what it was for first. I told him. Dennis Rodman laughed at first, but then I got angry, so Dennis Rodman was serious again. He told me no one can buy the moon and that it’s a worthless rock.

Then I realized I had given my senior advisor half of all my money. I suspected that maybe my senior advisor was screwing me over, so I had him arrested. I was told he was on the phone with Barack when they arrested him. That made me mad, because Barack never takes my calls, especially not on Christmas.

My other advisors tell me my senior advisor is a traitor to the party and that he should be executed. But I was more interested in getting my money back. My new senior advisor said he would call the Moon Office and tell them it was all a misunderstanding and that I will have my money back tomorrow.

I’m confused. Why is there a Moon Office if you can’t buy the moon? I think tomorrow I will make a law forbidding the Moon Office. It only makes things complicated.

Your one and unly,

Kimmy

P.S.
It says on CNN that America has reason to believe my position is weakening. Where would they get that idea? I almost bought the moon today.

 

This character assassination comes courtesy of Lennard van Ree of Satire Nation.

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This Made Me Ashamed To Be British!

man-crying-o

A picture from the skit that made me ashamed to be British pictured last night

 

As the editor of a highly- ignored satirical magazine, there’s not much that makes me ashamed to be British. However, when I read this skit earlier, I felt like tearing up my passport and applying for Australian citizenship. I don’t mind admitting that I blubbed shamelessly from start to finish, in a mixture of impotent rage and a deep soul-obliterating shame. My anguish was compounded even further because I had written it not 10 minutes previously.

Can I ask you most humbly to read this from a compassionate and caring angle and not from the standpoint of some despicable foreign fuck.Thank you.

Clivey.

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire#!jammy-bodgers/c1907

PS. Could I also ask you to leave a small comment after you’ve read the piece. Only I’ve been feeling pretty low these last weeks and it’s only been the comments that you good folk have made on my work that have kept me from doing something rash. Only last night I was teetering precariously on the platform at London Bridge station, preparing to throw myself under the 22.50 to East Croydon, when my phone “dinged” and informed me of a particularly irritating and time-consuming, platitude from some annoying sap in Idaho or similar. I immediately felt a joyous surge of new-found joi -de-vivre course through my veins and went straight down the pub. I’m therefore thanking you in anticipation my friends, and I give you my solemn assurance that each comment will be read repeatedly until the dark, smothering blanket of despair leaves me and I go down the pub again.

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NEVER ENDING ONION

kim.jong.un_portrait - Copy Another diary entry by Kim Jong Un.

Dear diary,

I’m like a never ending onion. I have countless layers. People see me as a strong and handsome leader, but underneath that I am insecure sometimes. But underneath that is a strong leader again.

So whenever I feel insecure I just peel my onion until I feel strong. Actually, my wife peels my onion for me because when I do it myself I usually eat it. Onions are my favorite fruit.

Yum!

 

At first my wife said I’m only the world’s best kisser if I don’t eat an onion before I kiss. But I told her she can become the world’s second best kisser if she would eat a few onions too each day. My wife then said she would just prefer it if I stopped eating raw onions, but then I got mad cause I don’t like people telling me what I can’t eat.

But then my wife explained what she really meant: she said that, when I eat an onion, kissing me is so good she wants to kill herself because she knows she will never be as happy again. That was sweet, so I wasn’t mad anymore. I gave her a nice big hug and told her I like her.

But I still insisted, so now my wife and I both eat an onion before we kiss. She cries of course, but that’s because of all the onions. I cry too sometimes. And then we both cry when we kiss. It’s very intense.

I like being a good lover. It’s what I’m known for in North Korea.

Your one and unly,

Kimmy

P.S.
I’d like to say what people get to see of me is just the tip of the iceberg, but I think that makes me sound fat.

 

It should be noted this post featuring Kim Jong Un’s inner thoughts was written with the utmost respect for onions, courtesy of Lennard van Ree of Satire Nation.

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An Appeal On Behalf Of Disabled Comments

A particularly irritating, time-consuming comment pictured being cruelly stifled last night

 

During the festive season it’s so easy to forget those less fortunate than ourselves so I’m launching an appeal on behalf of disabled comments, particularly those on this blog.

Yesterday I had the heartbreaking experience of visiting a number of these poor, wretched, long-winded irritations in the isolation wing of our comments section, and was immediately moved by the fortitude and dignity they displayed. One of them told me that it had been in there since the early hours of Sunday morning after attempting to pass an observation on Inchy’s nob, while another had been left languishing for days in the pending section after praising a 20,000 word piece about a nude woman by Mike Steeden despite not having actually read it.

So let’s spare a thought for these poor, time-consuming wretches at this joyous time of year and show them that they’re not just being cast aside and forgotten like a half-gnawed turkey drumstick or a pair of thermal socks from Auntie Maude.

Please dig deep and send your contributions to:

Clivey Dee

The Queen’s Arms

Green Street

Upton Park

London E13

Thank you.

PS. If it’s top class commenting you’re after, why not visit the Irritating Fuck section of this magazine where their proud boast is that every comment, no matter how banal or sycophantic, is treated with an equal amount of mirth and disdain before being screwed up and booted out of the window

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

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LOMM Writers Jump Ship To Join Satirical Mag

pictures_u51_a06117

An out-of-date cover of Soz Satire pictured smirking last night

 

In a move that will send seismic shockwaves through the blogging world, it is being reported that the entire team of contributors to the popular, humour-based blog, The League Of Mentalmen, have quit to join the successful satirical magazine, Soz Satire, because they “like the music on the stories” and because “it’s got much funnier jokes in it”

LOMM editor-in-chief, Clivey Dee, 12, told reporters “I knew something wasn’t quite right on Monday morning when Inchy hadn’t submitted his customary 27 pieces for editing. Gaz didn’t make a post at all on Tuesday, which I dismissed at the time as a result of him being in jail again, but the real clincher was when Mike completely blew me out on Wednesday and posted a 10,000 plus word poem in his own blog instead. It even had a nude woman in the pic at the top! Thank God Lenny didn’t let me down on Thursday is all I can say. At least there’s one loyal friend I can count on”

Dee then held up a letter he’d received that morning from his former friends and read it aloud:

“Dear Bastard

We’ve quit LOMM to join Soz Satire mag because we like the music on all the stories and the brilliant front covers by The Artful Dodger. The jokes are much funnier too, and in any case no fucker ever reads the copy in WordPress, they just go down their ‘readers’ liking and commenting on shit without having the faintest idea what the content is. We wish you every success for the future you deluded twat.

PS. Lenny’s quit too. He posted that Kimmy skit by mistake when he was drunk and off his swede on crystal meth. So blow your lousy  blog out of your goddamn ass sucker!

Love

The Lads”

To see where the disloyal turncoats have gone, and to marvel at The Artful Dodger’s brilliant front page graphic while tapping your feet to a medley of catchy tunes, why not visit:

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

PARENTAL ADVICE: This mag may contain traces of wry humour and underhand digs at the ‘WordPress Family’

 

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PING PONG

kim.jong.un_portrait - Copy Another diary entry by Kim Jong Un, Supreme Leader of North Korea.

 

Dear diary,

I was feeling bored today, so I summoned my lead scientist to play a game of ping pong. I lost. The last time I lost anything was when my dead dad was still alive. At first I was very mad. I threw the ping pong ball against the wall, but then it bounced back into my face.

My lead scientist isn’t good at ping pong. I just failed to make a decent serve. I believed the people of North Korea thought I was quite the ping pong player, but maybe I was wrong.

My lead scientist who beat me at ping pong said: “My dearest Supreme Leader, science teaches us this is a sign from god. You are the best ping pong player in the world and yet I’m forced to live in the shame of stepping out of your shadow by beating you 15 to 0. God tries to show you what it’s like to be normal, what it’s like to be mortal.”

I guess that made sense so I calmed down a bit. My lead scientist then went on his knees and started praising me. I thought he was a good sport for beating me, so I suggested we play another game.

I lost again, so I went mad.

But my lead scientist said: “God is once again shining on your greatness, your leaderness.”
But I said: “God doesn’t need two games of ping pong to get through to me.”
Then my scientist said: “Please, your supremeness, I honestly didn’t want to win. I tried not to win…but you just missed every serve! I tried letting you win, but I didn’t stand a chance!”
“So you were trying to let me win?” I said. “You think I’m that bad at ping pong?”
“Yes, my Supreme Leader. You are this great country’s biggest blessing and I thank god every day you are our leader, but I don’t think you have a talent for ping pong,” he said.

I wanted to become mad, but I was already so mad I calmed down a bit. It was weird cause I actually liked my scientist was honest to me.

“Ah well, I’m already the Supreme Basketball Player,” I said. “I can’t be supreme at everything.”
My scientist was very relieved and said: “You are indeed the best basketball player in the world, greatest leader.”
That made me feel good. It felt like I had made a friend.

But later today I figured my lead scientist might tell the other scientists he beat me at ping pong. And then every scientist would think I’m bad at ping pong. So I had to think of a solution.

So now I made playing ping pong against the law. I also made people believe it has always been against the law. So now when my scientist tells people he beat me at ping pong people won’t believe him.

I’m so smart.

Your one and unly,

Kimmy

P.S.
I heard my lead scientist told everyone I’m the supreme ping pong player. I thought that was very nice of him. Guess he didn’t know ping pong is now forbidden. So now he got arrested for breaking the law. That’s sad cause he was my friend. I’ll miss him.

 

It is generally believed no ping pong balls were hurt during the making of this diary entry, which comes courtesy of Lennard van Ree of Satire Nation.

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Blogger Found Dead After Comment Was ‘Frozen’

skeleton

Terrible business this my friends 😦

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire#!better-read-than-dead/c1jlm

WARNING! This skit may contain traces of decomposing corpses and silly fuckers

Clivey

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Howls Of Delight As Editor Of Satirical Mag Quits WordPress

soz xmas 2014

A bumper Xmas edition pictured covering the editor’s shame last night

 

The blogging community were jubilant last night following the announcement by the editor of Soz Satire magazine, Clivey Dee, that he is to leave the WordPress site to take up paid employment at a rival blog, where he will be utterly prostituting his art by allowing ads for incontinence pads, funeral homes and Thai brides to clutter up the front page in return for filthy lucre.

Dee, 18, told us from his office in Whitechapel East London “I don’t mind admitting that the money did come into my decision just a tad, but the main reason I’m leaving is down to the superb ‘liking’ and commenting facilities at the new place. Yesterday alone I liked over two thousand blogs and made a whole phalanx of irritating, time-consuming comments on countless others. It was so great and so exciting that at one point I became visibly aroused and had to stumble to the toilets with a copy of our bumper Xmas issue concealing my shame”

Editor’s note: All of the above is absolutely true, especially my age. I therefore bid you all a fond farewell and wish each and every one of you a very merry Xmas and, above all, a happy and a peaceful new year.

Clivey

PS. I hope some of you will pop into the mag from time to time to say “hi” to our stats counter. There’s money in it for me you see 😉

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

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FOOD IS LOVE

kim.jong.un_portrait - Copy Another diary entry by Kim Jong Un, Supreme Leader of North Korea.

 

Dear diary,

I’m a people’s person. All the people in North Korea love me and I really like them for that. Today I did something in return. I had the following conversation with one of my advisors:

-I want to thank North Koreans for their love.
-My Supreme Leader, that is a fantastic idea. You are a genius.
-I want to thank a random North Korean family.
-My leaderness, how would that work exactly, if it’s not too stupid to ask?
-Pick a random address and take me there. I will surprise the people with my presence as I join them for dinner.
-Just any random family, my Supreme Leader?
-Yes, that is what I said.

And so this afternoon me and ten of my generals paid a visit to a family in Pyongyang. They were the Kim Slim family, husband, wife and three children. Man, were they surprised to see me! They were so happy that their Supreme Leader had come to their house.

Of course it’s not every day a North Korean gets a visit from its Supreme Leader and ten of his generals.

 

I told them I had only come to show my gratitude for their love. And then I said me and my generals were staying for dinner.

That’s when things got awkward. It turned out the people we visited didn’t have any food. That made me mad, cause I hadn’t eaten in like 47 minutes. So I asked if perhaps the Kim Slims didn’t love me enough to make me some food. That’s when father Kim Slim said he had been saving some money for a few years. As it turns out that was just enough to feed me and my generals.

But the dinner wasn’t very good. It was mostly just rice and vegetables. So I said Mrs. Kim Slim was not a good cook. She apologized of course, but it’s not like she made me another meal to make up for it.

It got worse, cause after dinner I learned there wasn’t any dessert. Mr. Kim Slim said he didn’t have any money left, but I didn’t believe him. I was right of course, because one of his children cried and said he had a golden tooth. Luckily a lot of my generals are former dentists and are good at pulling teeth.

So after we pulled out Mr. Kim Slim’s golden tooth Mrs. Kim Slim went out to buy some dessert. She wanted to make it herself, but I joked: “Oh no, sweetheart, any more of your cooking will kill me.” Mrs. Kim Slim didn’t laugh, so I guess she doesn’t have a great sense of humor.

It took Mrs. Kim Slim a very long time to come back with dessert, so I asked her what took her so long. She said she wanted nothing but the best for her Supreme Leader, but I said it’s always best not to keep one’s Supreme Leader waiting.

I didn’t have dessert in the end. I wanted to, but it turned out Mrs. Kim Slim had poisoned it. I was lucky one of my generals started eating first. I was about to have a bite when my general turned blue and died. I tried to save the day by making a joke about it: “Mrs. Kim Slim, not only did you kill my general, you killed the mood too!”

But no one laughed, so that’s when I decided to leave. I hate it when nobody thinks I’m funny.

I was really disappointed. I go out of my way to pay people a visit and then they try to kill me. How ungrateful is that!?

Of course I had no other choice than to have Mrs. Kim Slim and her husband sent away. And now I just feel empty inside. I don’t know why, cause I did have a few meals when I came home. It’s just that I give so much love and I get so little in return. I feel lonely now. I tried shooting a general, but that didn’t make me feel better.

It’s like all the world hates me. That’s what my dead dad used to tell me when he was angry, but now I believe him for the first time.

Tomorrow I’m just gonna stay inside the entire day and play on my computer.

Your one and unly,

Kimmy

P.S.
Before I had him shot my dietician told me food is not love. I guess he was just as bad a person as Mrs. Kim Slim.

 

This character assassination comes courtesy of Lennard van Ree of Satire Nation.

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