I’m a people’s person. All the people in North Korea love me and I really like them for that. Today I did something in return. I had the following conversation with one of my advisors:
-I want to thank North Koreans for their love.
-My Supreme Leader, that is a fantastic idea. You are a genius.
-I want to thank a random North Korean family.
-My leaderness, how would that work exactly, if it’s not too stupid to ask?
-Pick a random address and take me there. I will surprise the people with my presence as I join them for dinner.
-Just any random family, my Supreme Leader?
-Yes, that is what I said.
And so this afternoon me and ten of my generals paid a visit to a family in Pyongyang. They were the Kim Slim family, husband, wife and three children. Man, were they surprised to see me! They were so happy that their Supreme Leader had come to their house.
I told them I had only come to show my gratitude for their love. And then I said me and my generals were staying for dinner.
That’s when things got awkward. It turned out the people we visited didn’t have any food. That made me mad, cause I hadn’t eaten in like 47 minutes. So I asked if perhaps the Kim Slims didn’t love me enough to make me some food. That’s when father Kim Slim said he had been saving some money for a few years. As it turns out that was just enough to feed me and my generals.
But the dinner wasn’t very good. It was mostly just rice and vegetables. So I said Mrs. Kim Slim was not a good cook. She apologized of course, but it’s not like she made me another meal to make up for it.
It got worse, cause after dinner I learned there wasn’t any dessert. Mr. Kim Slim said he didn’t have any money left, but I didn’t believe him. I was right of course, because one of his children cried and said he had a golden tooth. Luckily a lot of my generals are former dentists and are good at pulling teeth.
So after we pulled out Mr. Kim Slim’s golden tooth Mrs. Kim Slim went out to buy some dessert. She wanted to make it herself, but I joked: “Oh no, sweetheart, any more of your cooking will kill me.” Mrs. Kim Slim didn’t laugh, so I guess she doesn’t have a great sense of humor.
It took Mrs. Kim Slim a very long time to come back with dessert, so I asked her what took her so long. She said she wanted nothing but the best for her Supreme Leader, but I said it’s always best not to keep one’s Supreme Leader waiting.
I didn’t have dessert in the end. I wanted to, but it turned out Mrs. Kim Slim had poisoned it. I was lucky one of my generals started eating first. I was about to have a bite when my general turned blue and died. I tried to save the day by making a joke about it: “Mrs. Kim Slim, not only did you kill my general, you killed the mood too!”
But no one laughed, so that’s when I decided to leave. I hate it when nobody thinks I’m funny.
I was really disappointed. I go out of my way to pay people a visit and then they try to kill me. How ungrateful is that!?
Of course I had no other choice than to have Mrs. Kim Slim and her husband sent away. And now I just feel empty inside. I don’t know why, cause I did have a few meals when I came home. It’s just that I give so much love and I get so little in return. I feel lonely now. I tried shooting a general, but that didn’t make me feel better.
It’s like all the world hates me. That’s what my dead dad used to tell me when he was angry, but now I believe him for the first time.
Tomorrow I’m just gonna stay inside the entire day and play on my computer.
Your one and unly,
Before I had him shot my dietician told me food is not love. I guess he was just as bad a person as Mrs. Kim Slim.
This character assassination comes courtesy of Lennard van Ree of Satire Nation.