Monthly Archives: January 2015

Arse Bandits Raid London Museum

buttocks

Plaster mouldings of Kim Kardashians arse were left untouched by the raiders. Police believe they were too heavy to remove.

 

A gang of audacious thieves last night broke into the London Buttocks Museum in Westminster and escaped with a number of arses, some of which were valued at over £10,000. It is believed that the gang gained entry through the back door before smashing cases containing the arses and escaping with their valuable booty.

Amongst the priceless arses taken were those of Archbishop Makarios of Cyprus, President John F Kennedy, Whitney Huston and Sir Stanley Matthews, the legendary Blackpool and England soccer star.

The museum’s curator, Mr Toby Jade, 74, told reporters: “This is a terrible shock to all of us at the museum and I hope the police will catch whoever’s responsible for this and return the arses to us as soon as possible”

Fortunately for the museum, the priceless “Fragment Of The True Arse” which is believed to be a slither of buttock taken from the slain body of Christ by Mary Magdelene in The Garden Of Gethsemane, is currently out of the country and on display in The Imperial Bottom Gallery in Beijing.

This latest raid comes just 2 weeks after the Sheffield Cock And Balls Museum in Yorkshire, was hit by raiders who escaped with genitalia worth more than two million pounds, including the fabled Holy Nob Of St Bartholomew and the priceless Byzantine Bollocks, which were believed to have been removed from the body of Saladin during The Crusades.

Press Association and Clivey.

More cock and ball stories here:

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

 

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WARNING: This Post May Contain Traces Of Child Rape.

orphan

 

Quite an arresting title isn’t it my friends? It was absolutely intentional on my part I can assure you. I felt justified in using, what could be deemed as “shock tactics” in order to draw your attention to something I feel very passionate about. I refer to the abuse of children and, in particular, the rape and, in one case, the alleged murder of vulnerable kids by members of the British “establishment” in what is now being called The Westminster Paedophile Ring enquiry.

At the forefront of this long and convoluted struggle to bring the guilty to book, many of whom are extremely powerful political figures, along with well-known faces from the entertainment world, is a tiny London news agency whose diligence, dedication and bloody-minded determination to see the guilty punished, and for the victims or “survivors” of these filthy crimes to see justice done, is finally beginning to bear fruit.

I refer to Exaro News, whose editor-in-chief Mark Watts has led his small team of investigative journalists in a tireless, three year long struggle to root out the truth and to bring a semblance of “closure” to the abused and to see justice meted out to the guilty. I referred to them the other day on social media as “A snarling Fleet Street Rottweiler with it’s fangs sunk deep into the flesh of the  corrupt and the depraved” and I can think of no more fitting phrase to describe their relentless, driven struggle to see justice finally done.

This is no self-centred crusade on my part, motivated by the fact that I’ve been a victim of this filth, because I haven’t thankfully. I just happen to like children, and the thought of them being harmed or exploited to slake the foul appetites of bestial adults sickens me to my stomach. Some unkind critics have cruelly suggested this is due in no small part to my own childlike immaturity, but I don’t believe that for one moment and neither do you…right? Ok, you can pass on that one guys 🙂

I urge you therefore, to visit their website and to follow them on Facebook and Twitter, if indeed you have accounts in those places. I know for a fact that Watts and his small team of dedicated hacks will appreciate your support greatly.

Exaro News my friends. Remember their name.

http://www.exaronews.com/

Thank you.

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Li’l’ Kimmy: Diary Of A Dictator.

kim.jong.un_portrait - Copy

 

I must apologise for the tardiness of this ever-popular feature. I’m afraid this is due in no small part to it’s author, our very own Lenny “The Human Sunscreen Applicator” Van Ree, being crushed and eaten by a Giant Squid off the coast of Curacao.

On the bright side, it’s what the squid would have wanted.

Enjoy then this latest episode of life seen through the eyes of our somewhat delusional, but unfailingly murderous, diminutive hero.

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire#!lil-kimmy-diary-of-a-dictator/c1lwj

Clivey

PS. Lenny appears courtesy of Satire Nation and the large bowel of a Giant Squid.

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Dorking Woman Wins World ‘Feeling Cold’ Title For Record 3rd Time

cold bint

A female astronaut pictured keeping out the chill as she orbits the sun with all the windows of her rocket open and with the fire on.

 

Feeling a bit ‘parky’ this morning are we ladies? Are you absolutely ‘chilled to the bone’ despite having cranked up the central heating until your lounge temperature is rivalling that of the inside of an arc welder’s pants as he toils away in the Kalahari desert, dressed in a fur coat and mittens, and while somebody holds a blowtorch to his bottom?

In that case, why not read this goosebump-blitzing little tale? I guarantee you will be burning hot with righteous indignation even before you reach the hilarious ‘clincher’ at the end:

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire#!chilly-filly/c15mk

Disclaimer: No poor, hardworking, married bastard’s gas and electricity bills went through the roof during the writing of this intro…and if you believe that, you’ll believe anything quite frankly.

Clivey.

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Editor Of Satirical Magazine Given Reassurances By Extremists

jihadi john

“Clivey. You can go mate. The rest of you, step over here”

If you’d like to learn  some extremely heartening news regarding my personal safety, along with some rather worrying tidings about the future health and well-being of the writing staff, why not visit?

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire#!vous-etes-as-good-as-dead/cum

The lads have requested that you don’t send floral tributes after they have been blasted to kingdom-come by radicalised fanatics, but instead send cheques, banker’s drafts, and postal orders, for however much you can afford, to this address:

Clivey Dee

The Boleyn Arms

London E7

Thank you. ALLAHU AKBAR etc.

Clivey

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THE DATING GAME

Dear diary,

Today I wanted to join a dating site, but then my advisors told me I am already married. I forget about that sometimes. I really like my wife, I really do, but she does everything I tell her to do. She never argues with me.

Well, she did argue once. I wanted to have pizza for dinner, but my wife said she was sick. Whenever I feel sick, I eat, so I told my wife she should eat too. She refused, so I ate the whole pizza myself. I liked how she stood up to me that day.

Sometimes I wish I had a wife who doesn’t obey me all the time, like Ann Coulter. I love how she says other people are stupid. No one ever tells me I’m stupid, but I’m sure Ann Coulter would. She thinks Barack is stupid. I agree, because he never calls me back.

I’m thinking of maybe taking a new wife. There are a lot of beautiful women in North Korea. My wife is pretty, but she is getting older. In want a young wife like the one Michael Douglas has. If Michael Douglas can get a beautiful wife, I should too. I’m prettier than Michael Douglas. That’s what I’m known for in North Korea.

I still like my wife, but I think sometimes she eats some of my Oreos. She knows she’s not allowed to. I could send her away, but my dead dad always told me not to execute too many family members in one year. And it’s only January.

My scientists tell me they’re getting closer to discovering how to make Oreos. If we can make them here, my wife could have some too. I like sharing sometimes.

I know South Korea has a lot of plastic surgeons. Maybe I could kidnap one of them and have them work on my wife. Or I just buy a new wife, whichever is cheapest.

Your one and unly,

Kimmy

P.S.
Today I donated 10 dollars to Wikipedia. I like Wikipedia. I think more people should pay for it. On Wikipedia everybody can change facts or rewrite history.

 

This train wreck of a diary entry comes courtesy of Lennard van Ree of Satire Nation.

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BREAKING NEWS: Dorking Woman Has “Lost A Bit Of Weight Since Xmas”

skeleton

Some physicians warn about the dangers of rapid weight loss

 

For this simply shocking tale of one woman’s ‘Battle Of The Bulge, and for even more jaw-droppingly unfunny articles, why not visit:

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire#!lard-farce/c1nxk

I can’t guarantee you’ll lose any inches from that expanding waistline but your will to live is quite another matter.

Clivey

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Private Eye Magazine Editor Attacks Own Office In Bid To Boost Circulation

terrorist

The writing on the wall? Hislop pictured buying his copy of The Daily Mail just hours before the attack

To read this and sundry other examples of irreverent, appalling bad taste, why not visit:

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire#!killing-satire/cne7

PS. Before anyone starts throwing up their outraged little hands in horror at this one I should like to point out that amongst the people who would have laughed the loudest would have been my poor dead Parisian brothers and sisters- in satire.

Vive La France! Vive la satire!

Je suis Charlie

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Satirical Magazine Enlist Help From ‘Anti-Terrorist’ Office Cat

cat with hat

Soz Satire’s anti-terror cat pictured being spruced up last night prior to tackling potential armed fundamentalists

Following the murderous, terrorist outrage in Paris two days ago, the controversial and largely ignored, satirical magazine, Soz Satire, have announced that they have now employed the services of a highly trained and deeply committed office cat, in a bid to deter potential terrorist threats from radicalised groups, hellbent on seeking revenge on the publication who are notorious for their fearless lack of humour, their appalling syntax and spelling and their laughable monthly readership stats.

Speaking to reporters through the letterbox at the magazine’s offices in Whitechap*l in Ea*t Lond*n, managing editor, Clivey Dee, 16, said: “There’s no way we’re going to be cowed or intimidated by this murderous assault on our satirical brothers in Paris, so we’ve enlisted the help of a special, anti-terrorism cat that Inchcock bought for £6.50 off EBay last night. Rest assured that if any armed fanatics try to break into these offices and start killing the lads at their desks, this cat is trained to throw itself in front of the bullets, tackle the intruders and lock them in the stationary cupboard until the cops arrive. The bloke who sold Inchy the cat told us this and we believe him”

If you’d like to check up on the lads and to see if the deployment of the cat in question has done the trick, why not visit:

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

Disclaimer: The old office cat, Mr Bubbles, has definitely not been cooked and eaten by Mike Steeden who wanted to practice his survivalist skills. That would be right out that would.

Clivey

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THE BOURNE SUPREME LEADER

Dear diary,

I like the Spice Girls. My favorite song goes like Viva forever, I’ll be waiting, everlasting, like the sun. Live forever, for the moment, ever searching, for the un. I wanted to play it on my dead dad’s funeral, but one of my dad’s final wishes was that my uncle Jang Sung-taek would pick the music. He chose poorly.

I asked the Spice Girls if they wanted to come to North Korea, but I haven’t heard back from them yet. Maybe they are busy. Or maybe they’re fighting again.

Ginger is my favorite. I was sorry when she left the group. I was one of the many people that didn’t buy their third album. Things just weren’t the same without Geri.

Geri was my favorite!

 

If I wasn’t so busy leading North Korea, I would probably be in a boy band. I once asked my generals and they think I have the hair for it. I’m also quite the singer. That’s what I’m known for in North Korea. My wife used to be a singer and we often sing together. I make her sing Viva Forever sometimes.

It made me wonder why no one else in North Korea seems to like the Spice Girls. My advisors told me it was forbidden in North Korea. I said that was ridiculous. My senior advisor soon agreed with me. He even said we could make money selling CD’s. North Korea is the only country where people don’t have internet, so people will still buy CD’s.

So now we’re buying CD’s for cheap on Ebay and are selling them for lots of money, so the people of North Korea can enjoy the Spice Girls too. We’re making a huge online profit this way.

I love the smell of Paypal in the morning.

But then my mind went on. With no internet, we can also sell videotapes. My advisors were really happy with me and they told me I could buy BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO for like 10 dollars.

So I did. I bought BLOCKBUSTER, but I changed the name to SUPREME LEADER VIDEO.

This is what it’ll look like. My advisors tell me I’m the Supreme Graphic Designer.

 

I am so happy I bought something American. I said I want to buy Nebraska too, but my advisors told me that ain’t worth shit. I believe them.

As it turned out, BLOCKBUSTER only has capitalist movies, which are forbidden. So we replaced them all with North Korean films like The Bourne Supreme Leader, The Night of the Living Supreme Leaders and The Last of the Supreme Leaders, which is about me.

Your one and unly,

Kimmy.

P.S.
I was also told North Koreans don’t have video or DVD players, so I made a law that says everybody has to buy one so paying for a movie at SUPREME LEADER VIDEO makes sense. I want to buy TARGET for that, but each time I say ‘I want Target’ people get nervous.

 

This dreadful attempt at mocking the world’s greatest supreme leader comes courtesy of Lennard van Ree of Satire Nation.

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