“Now look here. I’m most dreadfully sorry sir but I seem to have run out of amusing banter”
RAF Benson. 1943
(Dedicated to Clive and Gill Danton)
Inside the command centre…
“Evening Tomkins”.
“Evening Sir”.
“I have called you here, to explain the next operation”.
“Sir”.
“It is top secret, Tomkins, so only your wife, your wife’s
friends and the butcher can be in on it”.
“What about our maid?”
“Don’t be stupid Tomkins! Are you mad?”
“Sorry sir”.
“Yes, well, we all make mistakes. Except me of course”.
“Goes without saying sir”.
“Right, look at this map, it shows the Rhine valley.”
“Sir”.
“The Bosh have built a hydro dam right here…”
“And you want to bomb the dam, causing the flooding
of the Rhine valley, putting the Germans out of action”.
“No, we want to bomb the distillery next to it”.
“Really sir?”
“Yes…Without a constant supply of Schnapps, the German
officers will be beside themselves and not have a drop in the mess”.
“That’s very cruel sir, has Air Vice Marshal Cramp approved it?”
“Yes, and what is more, he has also asked us to bomb the Blue Nun
Vineyard in Spitlebanderhoff as a secondary mission”.
“Brilliant sir, just bludy brilliant”.
“Now, get the squadron together, and work out a plan of attack”.
“Sir!”
Meanwhile, over in the mess…
“Something’s afoot Buller”.
“Yes, I can smell it in the air”.
“Oh, sorry, its those damn powdered eggs”.
“Yes while I’d try to cut down a bit if I were you old boy”
A flunky enters the mess.
“Sirs, there is a meeting in the briefing room in ten minutes”.
“The games up! it’s a new mission”.
“Lets go cheps!”.
Ten minutes later in the briefing room.
“Quiet men, settle down, I am Flight Commander Tomkins,
We have been given a very difficult task, namely, to bomb
a major Schnapps distillery in the Rhine valley…”
#1 “Wait a damn minute Tomkins!”
#2 “That is despicable!”
#3 “Never in a million years!”
#4 “Ooh, what a beastly thing to do!”
#5 “Watashi!”
“Where did that Kamikaze pilot come from?”
“Ok men! Quieten down, and listen. I know it goes against
everything we hold dear to our hearts, but the fact is, Harry Hun
needs a good kick in the pants, and it is our job to do it”.
“But what do we tell our servants?”.
“Just have to grin and bear it Johnny”.
“My chess partner wont like it, Tomkins”.
“Sorry Bertie, nothing I can do”.
“Play havoc with the wife’s sowing circle”.
“Right, enough moaning, lets get down to business. If you
look at the map, you will see the hydro dam, it is heavily fortified
which is why we will be going around it, our main target is the building,
here, we must flatten the bugger, our second mission is to destroy the
vineyard, here…Any questions?”
“Will we back in time for tea?”
“Hope so Hoppy, its lamb stew, Right, get your crew together and
see you on the tarmac at 06:00 Hours”…
Control tower.
“Call sign Alpha, runway 6 please over”.
“Okay tower, runway 6 over”
“Clear for take off”.
“Take it off where? over”
“What? over”
“The cake, over”
“Clear for take off Alpha 6, over”
“Oh sorry, roger”.
“Are they sure he should be the squadron leader Bob?”
“He dropped a bomb on his own house John”.
“How?”
“They told him to bring it home”.
“What, a spare bomb?”.
“Yes”.
“And he thought they said…”
Out on the apron, the squadron makes ready for take off.
Flight lieutenant Biggs leads from the front.
“Right cheps, of we go, climb to two thousand feet”.
“Roger Biggs”.
“Wilko sir”.
“Affirmative”
“Roger sir”
“What?”.
The squadron take off and head out toward the French coast.
Inside the cockpit of the lead bomber…
“Bludy nice view number two, what!”
“Absolute corker sir”
“French coast sir”
“No thank you Navigator Dent”
“No what sir?”
“No French toast”.
“Eh?”
An hour later…
“Twenty minutes to target sir”.
“To Margate? Were going the wrong way!”.
“The target sir!”
“I say, what a navigator, number two”.
“Bludy nice chep, he was my toast rack at prep”.
20 minutes to target…
“Bandits at five o’clock sir!”
“I don’t think we will have time”.
“For what?”
“Bangers, at five o’clock, Dent”.
“No sir, enemy fighters!”
“Bosh bashers! How dare they, don’t they know we are English?”
“That is why they are attacking sir”
“Gunner Sams, are you available for action?”
“Not quite sir, haven’t finished my soup”.
“Sorry to disturb your lunch”.
“That’s okay sir, its mulligatawny”.
“SIR! The enemy are closing!”
“Why are you shouting number two?”
“Sorry Sir”.
“Ok men, its all hands to the guns!”.
The bomber comes under attack, the fighters are seen off…
“Dirty rotters!”
“Steady number two, they might hear you”.
“Sorry sir, its just…”
“I know, I know”.
“Permission to shout huzzah sir?”
“Just this once Dent”.
“Thank you sir!” HUZZAH!!!
“Gunner Sams, are you okay?”
“Coped a bully in the bag sir”.
“Dashed bad luck”.
“Yes sir, the tea has gone everywhere”.
“How bad is it Sams?”
“I’m afraid, we will be out of tea in an hour sir”.
“That bad eh, well, we could go on, but, it’s going to be tough”.
“I’m scared sir, no tea for a whole hour, maybe more”.
“You are not the only one, number two, Sams is quivering”.
“And me sir”.
“You as well Dent, nothing for it, cut the load and head home”.
“What about the other bombers sir?”
“Send signal, out of tea, good luck, and god speed”.
“Wilko sir”.
“Number two, drop load”.
“Sir”
“Dent, plot our course for blighty”.
“Sams”
“Sir”
“You’re a complete arse”.
“Thank you sir”.
30 minutes later, the bomber is nearing Dover…
“White Cliffs of Dover sir”.
“Why?”
“Why what sir?”
“Why would you want to be a rover?”
“Dover sir!”
“Oh, yes, thank you Navigator Dent.”
After landing at Benson, the men are taken to the de-briefing room.
“Bad luck Tomkins, losing the tea flask like that”.
“Yes, it was touch and go”.
“I understand you left the payload with Gerry”
“Absolutely, nothing else to do”.
“We’ve had a complaint”.
“From some Hun cowardly custard no doubt”
“No, Mademoiselle Lamont from lasselle”.
“Oh, what’s the game?”
“Killed her geese old chep”.
“Covered her in grease?”
“Yes sir. I think it’s what she would have wanted sir”
“Sams”.
“Sir?”
“You are a complete arse!”.
“Yes sir”.
Wingco Gary Hoadley DFC and barmaid
The League of Mental Men! 
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