Tag Archives: World War II

Hitler’s Last Day: An Everyday Story Of Defeated, Suicidal Folk

hitler

“Donner und shitzen!”
The Last Day Of Adolf Hitler by Gary Hoadley
 

The Bunker. Berlin 1945.
Hitler is in his war office. The door flies open.
“Fuhrer! The Russians are at the city limits!”
“Tell the toll booths to up the price to ten marks”.
“But Fuhrer, they have tanks and artillery!”
“Put the toll booths up to twenty marks!”
“They are invading!”
“Get down the high street and buy up as much toilet paper as you can”.
“Fuhrer, what about our soldiers?”
“Let them get there own bludy toilet paper!”.
“Sir, may I go now?”
“We haven’t got any toilet paper, are you not listening?”
“No Fuhrer, I mean to organise the troops into a defensive line”.
“Good idea, I don’t want those Russians nicking the toilet paper”.
Eva Braun enters the room;
“Darlinks, you look zo hot unt bothered”.
“Don’t talk to my misses like that! Get out…”
“Sorry my Fuhrer, I forgot myself”.
“He’s a bit forward Addie”.
“How many times have I told you, Eva, not to call me Addie?”
“Oh shut up, no one heard me, what you so grumpy about?”
“Looks like that holiday in the South of France will have to be cancelled”
“Why?”
“They’ve invaded the hotel”.
“The Allied troops?”
“No, bludy cockroaches, I’ve just had Michele on the blower”.
“I always said that place was never cleaned properly”.
“If Rommel had got his finger out, we could have gone on safari in Africa”.
“I’m going shopping”.
“Have you got a tin helmet?”
“No, why?”
“Just asking…”
Eva Braun leaves and Admiral Von Bismark enters;
“My Fuhrer, I have bad news”.
“I had a battle ship named after you, didn’t I?”
“Yes Fuhrer…Eric”.
“No wonder they sunk it, what’s up now?”
“We have no naval power”.
“We’ve lost all our ships?”
“No Fuhrer, they’ve run out of fuel”
“Cant they row?”
“Two hundred ton ships Fuhrer?”
“Cleopatra did it”.
“I will try and see what I can do Fuhrer”.
Bismarck leaves. The phone rings;
“Hello, Hitler speaking…No mate, But thanks for the offer”.
Baron Von Riechthoven enters the room;
“Cheeky sod, Old soppy bollocks from across the water asked me
if I wanted to surrender! Is he having a laugh?”
“Shweine! How dare Churchill insult you like that!”
“Not Churchill, the Mayor of Dorking”.
“Fuhrer, I…”
“I know, you’ve got bad news”.
“No Sir, I’ve got good news!”
“Blimey, what is it?”
“It’s a mild colloquial outburst Sir”.
“What?”
“Blimey Sir”
“No, what is the good news?”
“Oh!…We have aircraft on the ground”
“Shouldn’t they be in the air?”
“Fuhrer?”
“My aircraft, shouldn’t they be in the air?”
“Brilliant idea Fuhrer, I will get to it straight away”.
“For fucks sake…”
“Sir?”
“Nothing”.
Hitler makes his way to the communications office;
“Fuhrer!”
“Sit down soldier, I want you to send a message to Winston Churchill”.
“Sir, what is your message?”
“Ignore last telegram”.
“Sir?”
“That should get him going”.
“Anything else my Fuhrer?”
“Don’t know a good taxi firm do you?”
“Fuhrer?”
“Never mind”.
The Fuhrer now goes to his private rooms;
“Lovely, I will have a kip, then a bit of dinner then…”
A flunky crashes through the door;
“Fuhrer! The Russians are in Berlin”.
“Up the price of the parking meters”.
“But Sir, you must escape”.
“With a face like this? Where do you think I could hide?”
“South America Sir”.
“Don’t like the food”.
“Africa”.
“Too hot”.
“Butlins”.
“Too boring”.
“Mrs Bunions lodging house, Clacton on Sea”.
“That will do, get me a plane”.
“Yes my Fuhrer!”
Colonel Brinthoffen enters the room;
“My Fuhrer, you must not leave without arming yourself”.
“Why?”
“They will try and shoot you!”.
“Why?”
“They think you started the war”.
“Me! I was all for a commune in Bavaria”.
“Here, take my handgun”.
“Thank you”.
“Sir, don’t point it at your head like that”.
“I have had one of these, I do know what I am doi…
Mrs Bunions lodging house. 30 years later;
“It was a close thing Mrs B, the gun went off and nearly done for me”…

Das End!
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644 Squadron: An Everyday Story Of Carpet Bombing Folk

lancaster

“Now look here. I’m most dreadfully sorry sir but I seem to have run out of amusing banter”

RAF Benson. 1943

(Dedicated to Clive and Gill Danton)

Inside the command centre…

“Evening Tomkins”.

“Evening Sir”.

“I have called you here, to explain the next operation”.

“Sir”.

“It is top secret, Tomkins, so only your wife, your wife’s

friends and the butcher can be in on it”.

“What about our maid?”

“Don’t be stupid Tomkins! Are you mad?”

“Sorry sir”.

“Yes, well, we all make mistakes. Except me of course”.

“Goes without saying sir”.

“Right, look at this map, it shows the Rhine valley.”

“Sir”.

“The Bosh have built a hydro dam right here…”

“And you want to bomb the dam, causing the flooding

of the Rhine valley, putting the Germans out of action”.

“No, we want to bomb the distillery next to it”.

“Really sir?”

“Yes…Without a constant supply of Schnapps, the German

officers will be beside themselves and not have a drop in the mess”.

“That’s very cruel sir, has Air Vice Marshal Cramp approved it?”

“Yes, and what is more, he has also asked us to bomb the Blue Nun

Vineyard in Spitlebanderhoff as a secondary mission”.

“Brilliant sir, just bludy brilliant”.

“Now, get the squadron together, and work out a plan of attack”.

“Sir!”

Meanwhile, over in the mess…

“Something’s afoot Buller”.

“Yes, I can smell it in the air”.

“Oh, sorry, its those damn powdered eggs”.

“Yes while I’d try to cut down a bit if I were you old boy”

A flunky enters the mess.

“Sirs, there is a meeting in the briefing room in ten minutes”.

“The games up! it’s a new mission”.

“Lets go cheps!”.

Ten minutes later in the briefing room.

“Quiet men, settle down, I am Flight Commander Tomkins,

We have been given a very difficult task, namely, to bomb

a major Schnapps distillery in the Rhine valley…”

#1 “Wait a damn minute Tomkins!”

#2 “That is despicable!”

#3 “Never in a million years!”

#4 “Ooh, what a beastly thing to do!”

#5 “Watashi!”

“Where did that Kamikaze pilot come from?”

“Ok men! Quieten down, and listen. I know it goes against

everything we hold dear to our hearts, but the fact is, Harry Hun

needs a good kick in the pants, and it is our job to do it”.

“But what do we tell our servants?”.

“Just have to grin and bear it Johnny”.

“My chess partner wont like it, Tomkins”.

“Sorry Bertie, nothing I can do”.

“Play havoc with the wife’s sowing circle”.

“Right, enough moaning, lets get down to business. If you

look at the map, you will see the hydro dam, it is heavily fortified

which is why we will be going around it, our main target is the building,

here, we must flatten the bugger, our second mission is to destroy the

vineyard, here…Any questions?”

“Will we back in time for tea?”

“Hope so Hoppy, its lamb stew, Right, get your crew together and

see you on the tarmac at 06:00 Hours”…

Control tower.

“Call sign Alpha, runway 6 please over”.

“Okay tower, runway 6 over”

“Clear for take off”.

“Take it off where? over”

“What? over”

“The cake, over”

“Clear for take off Alpha 6, over”

“Oh sorry, roger”.

“Are they sure he should be the squadron leader Bob?”

“He dropped a bomb on his own house John”.

“How?”

“They told him to bring it home”.

“What, a spare bomb?”.

“Yes”.

“And he thought they said…”

Out on the apron, the squadron makes ready for take off.

Flight lieutenant Biggs leads from the front.

“Right cheps, of we go, climb to two thousand feet”.

“Roger Biggs”.

“Wilko sir”.

“Affirmative”

“Roger sir”

“What?”.

The squadron take off and head out toward the French coast.

Inside the cockpit of the lead bomber…

“Bludy nice view number two, what!”

“Absolute corker sir”

“French coast sir”

“No thank you Navigator Dent”

“No what sir?”

“No French toast”.

“Eh?”

An hour later…

“Twenty minutes to target sir”.

“To Margate? Were going the wrong way!”.

“The target sir!”

“I say, what a navigator, number two”.

“Bludy nice chep, he was my toast rack at prep”.

20 minutes to target…

“Bandits at five o’clock sir!”

“I don’t think we will have time”.

“For what?”

“Bangers, at five o’clock, Dent”.

“No sir, enemy fighters!”

“Bosh bashers! How dare they, don’t they know we are English?”

“That is why they are attacking sir”

“Gunner Sams, are you available for action?”

“Not quite sir, haven’t finished my soup”.

“Sorry to disturb your lunch”.

“That’s okay sir, its mulligatawny”.

“SIR! The enemy are closing!”

“Why are you shouting number two?”

“Sorry Sir”.

“Ok men, its all hands to the guns!”.

The bomber comes under attack, the fighters are seen off…

“Dirty rotters!”

“Steady number two, they might hear you”.

“Sorry sir, its just…”

“I know, I know”.

“Permission to shout huzzah sir?”

“Just this once Dent”.

“Thank you sir!” HUZZAH!!!

“Gunner Sams, are you okay?”

“Coped a bully in the bag sir”.

“Dashed bad luck”.

“Yes sir, the tea has gone everywhere”.

“How bad is it Sams?”

“I’m afraid, we will be out of tea in an hour sir”.

“That bad eh, well, we could go on, but, it’s going to be tough”.

“I’m scared sir, no tea for a whole hour, maybe more”.

“You are not the only one, number two, Sams is quivering”.

“And me sir”.

“You as well Dent, nothing for it, cut the load and head home”.

“What about the other bombers sir?”

“Send signal, out of tea, good luck, and god speed”.

“Wilko sir”.

“Number two, drop load”.

“Sir”

“Dent, plot our course for blighty”.

“Sams”

“Sir”

“You’re a complete arse”.

“Thank you sir”.

30 minutes later, the bomber is nearing Dover…

“White Cliffs of Dover sir”.

“Why?”

“Why what sir?”

“Why would you want to be a rover?”

“Dover sir!”

“Oh, yes, thank you Navigator Dent.”

After landing at Benson, the men are taken to the de-briefing room.

“Bad luck Tomkins, losing the tea flask like that”.

“Yes, it was touch and go”.

“I understand you left the payload with Gerry”

“Absolutely, nothing else to do”.

“We’ve had a complaint”.

“From some Hun cowardly custard no doubt”

“No, Mademoiselle Lamont from lasselle”.

“Oh, what’s the game?”

“Killed her geese old chep”.

“Covered her in grease?”

“Yes sir. I think it’s what she would have wanted sir”

“Sams”.

“Sir?”

“You are a complete arse!”.

“Yes sir”.

Wingco Gary Hoadley DFC and barmaid

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Stalag Blues: A Ripping Yarn Of British WWII Incompetence by Wing Commander Gary Hoadley (retd hurt)

.stalag
British POWs seen relaxing after a gruelling session of tea drinking and hearty banter.
Stalag Luft 20 1945. A number of captured British airmen are deep in conversation.

“Look Bottom, there have been seven attempts at escape and all have failed”.
“I know Sir, but there were certain extenuating circumstances”.
“Such as?”
“They got caught Sir”.

Wing Commander Lampton paced the hut floor, as officer commanding, it 
Was his job to ensure every man did his duty by escaping from the Germans.
His number two, Captain Bottom DSO had been appointed escape coordinator.

“The thing is Sir, we suspect there is an informant”. said Bottom.
“A Hun nose poker inner?” replied Lampton.
“The very same Sir They seem to know our every move”.
“Who do we suspect?”
“It’s definitely the Germans Sir”.
“No, I mean the nosey parker”.
“Oh, I think it may be Gunner Fritz”.
“Why?”
“Just an notion Sir”.

In hut 55 Lieutenant Hinge is discussing tunnels.

“So, we have a tunnel under the bathhouse”.
“Yes”
“A tunnel under the washhouse”.
“Yes”
“And the third tunnel is?”
“Under the shi…”
“I get the picture Adams”
“Sir”.

Meanwhile, over in the camp commanders office….

“Oberst Ruben! We have found another tunnel”.
“Oye!, I should end up running a POW camp?”
“It is under the chapel”.
“Are you sure it is not mice?”
“No mien Oberst, it is the Englanders”.
“You SS are so suspicious”.
“Were you born in Germany Oberst?”
“Yes”
“Which part?”
“…All of me…”.

Tunnel “Noddy” was being constructed from hut 79 to the north wall.

“Gad I hate being down these tunnels” Stated Airman Rogers.
“Me too, plays havoc with my nails” Replied Gunner Jenkins.
“The heat, the dirt…”
“The chaffing”.
“Quite, and the lack of sun and air makes a man…”.
“Want to wash his hair”.
“I say Jenkins, are you a tad light footed?”
“Well, I did audition for the Mrs Fountain dance Troupe”.
“I thought as much, would you like to go in front?”
“Saucy”.

Wing Commander Lampton calls for an escape committee meeting.

“Now then cheps, I’m going to hand you over to Bumper Burtles for a 
Run down of what has and is happening with regard to our escape”.
“Thanks awfully Sir, right…Duncan and Smidgen got caught awf the 
boundary for a duck, and ended up with a short wicket. 
Patterson, Simons and Edgley coped a Yorker at mid awf.
Cleverly and Porter were goose over stump for a six and are now in clink.
Rogers is bedding with Jenkins in Neddy, and should be ready by tea time.
Hut 57 is pushing for a touch down porter side, while myself and Timms
have been smudging Jerry passes for the leaving party next week”.
“Thank you, Bumper, any questions men?”
“Has anyone actually escaped Sir?”
“Bumper?”
“Let me check my file Sir… Erm…No”.
“There you are Cromer, not one escape”.
“Thank you Sir”.
“Anyone else?”
“Are we completely wasting our time Sir?”
“Absolutely Fredrick’s, but don’t tell the Harry Hun”.

GH (Skilfully, albeit heartlessly, edited by Clivey Dee)

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