Bear Grylls: My Gay Little Cheese Knife Shame

cheese knife

A cheese knife trying to look butch by having a bone handle, but in actual fact fooling nobody, pictured last night.


The career of TV survivalist, Bear Grylls, looked to be at an end last night after secretly filmed footage appeared to show the ex-special forces soldier using a small curved cheese knife to spear small squares of cheddar from a wooden board with “Cheese” engraved into it.

The short film lasting just a few minutes also showed Grylls, 92, sipping a dark liquid from what appeared to be a schooner sherry glass and nibbling on a stick of celery.

A clearly shaken and contrite Grylls appeared outside his home dressed in battle fatigues and with his face plastered in cam cream. He stumbled over his words and seemed close to tears at times as he told reporters:

“Yes it’s true that I used a gay little cheese knife to eat a quantity of cheddar but I had to. My wife had put my Bowie knife in the dishwasher. I feel as if I’ve let all my fellow survivalists down. I’ve already taken a bollocking over the phone from Ray Mears who called me a poof and a big, mincing gaylord. Quite what my old Aussie mate, The Bush Tucker Man, will make of all this I shudder to think.”

Grylls’ shame will come as another hammer-blow to the tragic, weekend warrior types who take him seriously, many of whom are already reeling from the news that ex-SAS hero and author, Andy McNab, was spotted collecting a Babyliss Foot Spa from a branch of Argos in Hereford last month.





Filed under Satire

2 responses to “Bear Grylls: My Gay Little Cheese Knife Shame

  1. A real man wouldn’t ALLOW his wife to touch his bowie knife! Nor would he allow it to be washed! What a wuss!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Is this ‘knife’ envy? Size isn’t everything……..apparently! Great skit, Clive x



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