Children Of The Night Lodge Complaint Against “Too Scary” Satirical Magazine

A visibly upset Child Of The Night pictured complaining bitterly to the Press Complaints Commission last night

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire Now with brand new, deeply upsetting skits!

 

A number of spectral Transylvanian wolves have complained to the publishers of a wildly successful, online satirical mag, stating that they found the content “frighteningly poor” and that it was unsuitable for slavering brutes from Hell of all ages.

The London-based magazine, Soz Satire, published it’s Halloween issue last Friday, and late last night, added a number of absolutely appalling skits which have lead to howls of protest from the so-called Children Of The Night:

“Terrifyingly bad! I haven’t seen that much blood since the last time Inchcock got his nob out!” – Bonzo

“Some of the jokes from Clivey Dee were so horrifyingly crap I literally shit my fur” – Fido

“I’ve not seen such frighteningly incorrect and overly-judicious usage of the ellipsis since Mike Steeden left a note out for the milkman! I mean to say WTF!” – Lucky

“Ratty’s skit made all my fangs fall out and it’s not even been published yet! – Butch

“Mic Norbury? Is that man EVER sober fer chrissakes? The mere thought of the state of his liver made me feel quite peckish” – Bowser

“The graphics by The Artful Dodger were so atrocious I had a miscarriage on the spot” – Spike.

“The inane quality of Gary Hoadley’s so-called humour made me prowl the streets of Fulham looking for unsuspecting prey” – Fifi

“Lenny van Ree’s contribution was so desperately abject I chewed one of my own feet off with terror –  Rex.

To nod in agreement with the above Hell Hounds, why not visit this site and see for yourselves my friends:

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

WARNING! Some of the gags in this latest issue are so bone-chillingly poor that we advise you to take some of Inchy’s nerve pills and have a really good shit before entering.

Clivey

 

 

UNDER MY UMBRELLA

 Another diary entry by Kim Jong Un, Supreme Leader of North Korea.

 

Dear diary,

I accidentally killed a scientist today.

A while ago I saw James Bond. In the movie I saw an umbrella that could detach claws and then fold itself up, killing the umbrella holder.

So I asked my scientists to make me an umbrella like that. General Un Den-Sum keeps saying I am so funny, so I wanted to give this umbrella to his wife as a joke to prove how funny I am.

I’m quite the funny guy. It’s what I’m known for in North Korea.

Today my lead scientist called and said my umbrella was ready. So later a couple of scientists came to my house to give it to me. It was lying unfolded on the floor and I threw some water over it to see if it would work. It didn’t because nothing happened. So one of the scientists started trying to fix it and that’s when it worked.

Right that moment general Un Den-Sum and his wife Un Dem-Sum Mo came in, just in time to see my scientist drop dead.

I had invited the general and his wife to give them the umbrella as a gift, but now they already saw what kind of umbrella it was. I was mad and screamed at the scientists they had given away the joke.

In the end it was okay, though. General Un Den-Sum said it was still the funniest joke he had ever heard of. So even though the joke wasn’t a total success, I still killed. In fact, I was so happy I invited the general and his wife over for dinner, but Un Dem-Sum Mo said all the laughter had made her lightheaded and she was afraid she would faint in front of her Supreme Leader, so she wanted to go home.
But I insisted, so we had dinner together.

General Un Den-Sum even gave me a list of other generals that think I’m very funny too! That’s good, cause I saw James Bond also uses explosive toothpaste. I want that.

Your one and unly,

Kimmy

P.S.
I asked those food aid people if they could send me Twinkies instead of rice which I might as well give to poor North Koreans. They said that wasn’t funny. I said I wasn’t trying to be funny. They said that wasn’t funny either. People outside North Korea don’t seem to really get me.

 

This poorly executed character assassination comes courtesy of Lennard van Ree of Satire Nation.

SITUATIONS VACANT: Cartoonist Wanted

An out-of-date issue of a satirical magazine pictured being largely ignored last night

 

A well-appointed, London-based, satirical magazine is actively seeking somebody who’s quite good at drawing to illustrate a cartoon strip I’ve conceived, which features an alcoholic superhero as its main protagonist.

The successful applicant will be given a crippling deadline to produce 5 frames of half-decent cartoonery for absolutely no pecuniary reward whatsoever. However, in an almost unbelievable act of largesse, I’m offering an all- expenses-paid look at a picture I accidentally took of my foot using my phone when I was pissed last Friday night.

Bone-idle art students with fuck all to do all day other than to watch The Jeremy Kyle show and/or to masturbate periodically into a sock, will be fast-tracked to the top of the shortlist.

So if you know one end of a crayon from the other, are soundish in wind and limb, and have no convictions for gross indecency in the last 25 years (yes I know I’m excluding a huge percentage of you with this proviso) either fill in the box below with an irritating, time-consuming comment, in time-honoured fashion, or drop me an email, with an example of your crude daubings to:

sozsatire@gmail.com.

If we can get this squared away in the next few weeks I can guarantee that your work will be showcased in the November issue of the mag; where it will be laughed and pointed at by millions in pretty much the same way as the rest of the content.

All the best and I look forward to hearing from you soon…probably.

Clivey Dee. Managing Editor and all round demanding fuck.

PS. Apologies to Lenny for encroaching on “his day” to post on this blog, but I’m desperate and you’re probably too bladdered on cheap Curucaoan shoe-reconditioner to notice anyway. Love you mate!

 

An Appeal On Behalf Of The Gary Hoadley Caribbean Food Trust

Rankin’ Papa Gee ‘im say: “Lawd Jesus me yoot! Send dat Clivey Bwoy all your bloodclaaat money and ting so dat me yardie bredrin nah mash up me pussyclaaat wid da machetes. Blessed love! 

 

Mr Gary Hoadley is unable to fulfil his obligation to submit copy to this blog today, despite Tuesday being “his day” to do so.

This is due to the fact that he’s being held prisoner in a West Indian cafe close to his Fulham home by a number of murderous Jamaican yardie cut-throats who are threatening to “mash ‘im up to raass” unless he pays his bill.

To help him to achieve this, and to avoid him being butchered and thrown in the curry goat, dutch pot, please send every penny you have to the address below:

The Gary Hoadley Caribbean Food Trust

C/O Clivey Dee

The Boyleyn Arms

Green Street

East London.

In the meantime, while you’re waiting for your house to be sold, why not visit this magazine to see what “Rankin’ Papa Gee” and others of a similar vile ilk, have been writing about recently. A blockbusting new issue will be published this Friday by all accounts. A geezer down the pub told me that. Easy now me bredrin. Roots!…etc.

Blessed love me yoot

Clivey

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

 

Have You Ordered Yours Yet?

Have other members of the WordPress family been berating you over your tardiness when it comes to “liking” or commenting on their blog? Do you regularly visit the site of one of your favourite bloggers only to find that 30 or more of your peers have already beaten you to the punch and got their “likes” nicely squared away?

Well those days could be well and truly behind you with this ingenious little anal implement. The Blog O Mate Butt Plug Of Hope will ensure that you never have to play second fiddle to your fellow irritants again, ever.

For details on how to get yours by return of post (possibly)… read this!

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire#!the-wordpress-blog-o-mate-butt-plug-of-h/c1kla

Order yours today and receive one of our “I’ve Got Far Too Much Time On My Hands” t-shirts absolutely free!

See the little boxes below for a list of satisfied customers.

Clivey

 

Mob Attack Offices Of Satirical Magazine As Wave Of Apathy Turns Nasty

The plush, Soz Satire Office, looking resplendent, shortly before being attacked by a baying mob

A baying mob of over 200 furious bookworms and newsagents last night stormed the offices of the controversial satirical magazine, Soz Satire, following the launch of their eagerly anticipated, Halloween edition.

Wielding burning torches, pitchforks and assault rifles, the mob entered the building just before midnight, smashing everything they could get their hands on and setting fire to the office cat. First reports claim that thousands of pounds of improvements were made.

The reaction to the new issue wasn’t all bad though, as we discovered when we randomly interviewed a number of passers-by last night:

“I found the new Halloween edition thought provoking, insightful, mildly educational and searingly erotic. My only complaint is that there’s no facility for “liking” or commenting” – Clivey Dee

“I was released from prison earlier this morning, and used the new Halloween edition to jemmy open the door of a local jewellers. I’ll definitely be buying the November issue” – Gary Hoadley #128648634

“I read the Halloween issue in the billiard room and to my surprise my wife Shirley bought me up a selection of cold cuts with various delicious relishes and a bottle of vintage Krug without me having to beat her” – Mike Steeden

“I was a sickly shell of a man with no stamina or zest for life, and whose libido was virtually non-existent until I read the brilliant new Halloween edition. Now I’m running a thriving bawdy house in Rotherham where I’m pimping for 25 bitches, twelve of whom I’ve made pregnant. Thanks Soz Satire” – Inchcock

“I used to live in the Caribbean hell-hole of Curacao, cavorting daily with a variety of dusky young lovelies, who would peel my grapes and fan me with their pants. Now thanks to the Halloween issue of Soz Satire I have a one bedroom studio apartment in Pyong Yang where I spend my days masturbating to pictures of Trotsky and listening to Lulu records” – Lenny Van Ree

“Nothing I can say about the fabulous new Halloween edition will carry any weight as I’m named after a dingy area of South London. I bet it’s really great though!…especially my skit!” – Mic Norbury

“I’m not in this issue because I sent my copy in too late, so it’s probably really shit. I bet it picks up next week when my skit about taking a dump gets published though!” – Bill Jago

“My graphics and artwork was the laughing stock of the entire United Kingdom until I picked up a copy of the brilliantly illustrated, Soz Satire Halloween edition. Now I’ve been nominated for the Turner Prize and have been asked to turn out for Sheffield United Ladies in their forthcoming FA cup third round tussle with Manchester City” – The Artful Dodger

To get your copy of the scintillating and life-changing Halloween issue simply click this link and we guarantee your whole world will start rocking almost immediately…in all probability.

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

No blacks, Irish, Staffordshire Bull Terriers or Millwall fans.

Clivey

HIGH ON EMOTION

 Another diary entry by Kim Jong Un, Supreme Leader of North Korea

 

Dear Diary,

Today I smoked pot for the first time. I also pardoned five war criminals, just because I felt like it. I also got a letter from Hillary, asking me to release Kenneth Bae. I almost did it, cause I kinda like Hillary and her husband. When Bill visited my dead dad in 2009, he brought me a box full of Oreos. I thought that was supercool of him.

Bill and I even shared an Oreo when he was here. I pulled it apart and kept both halves behind my back. Then Bill had to pick which half he would eat by saying ‘left hand’ or ‘right hand’. He said ‘right hand’. Thank god he picked the empty half. I was left with most of the white stuff.

At first Bill even wanted to give me his half too, but I said: “No, Bill, go ahead, you eat. That’s how we do things here in North Korea. We share.”
But Bill still didn’t want to eat it. Then I saw his half of the Oreo started to melt in his hand, so I asked him if he was gonna eat that. Bill said he wasn’t, so I took his half too. That’s when I told my dad Bill was an okay guy.

And Hillary is great too. I wish she had become president instead of Barack. I wish she would come visit, but she never answers my email. I think maybe Hillary doesn’t like me as much as Bill. Perhaps that’s because I’m a ladies’ guy like Bill. That’s what I’m known for in North Korea. Bill gets me. I think Hillary would like my wife, though. They could talk about woman stuff together, while I show Bill all the nice ladies as they’re being filmed in their homes.

Perhaps if I release Kenneth Bae, Bill and Hillary could visit. I was in such a good mood today. I almost picked up the phone to ask South Korea if they were still interested in a peace treaty, but my generals convinced me that’s not a good idea somehow. I love my generals. They’re always there when I need them.

After talking to my generals I wanted to call Hillary and tell her I’d release Kenneth Bae. Then Dennis Rodman called. He told me I would look weak if I release Kenneth Bae and that if anyone would take the credit for saving him, it would be him and not Hillary. I get the feeling Dennis Rodman doesn’t have many friends either, just like me. I don’t know why. He is always so nice to me.

The world is such a beautiful place! I feel happy now. North Korea is a great place, because people can smoke pot here. They seem to be smoking a lot. My dead dad always told me to stay away from it. But he is dead. I think I will smoke pot more often. Perhaps Bill and I could smoke pot together someday. My advisors tell me he likes it too.

Your one and unly,

Kimmy

P.S.
I’m sure I had left some weed on my desk, but it’s gone now. I suspect one of my generals may have taken it.

 

This godawful character assassination comes courtesy of Lennard van Ree of Satire Nation infamy.

Wave Of Apathy Sweeps Nation As Satirical Mag Announces Halloween Edition

I bet you can’t wait can you? *cocks pistol*
 
http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

There was practically no reaction at all on Tuesday of this week as Soz Satire, a satirical magazine famed for it’s anonymity and risibly poor content, announced the forthcoming launch of their Halloween edition.

Editor-in-chief, Clivey Dee, 21, told an empty press conference in York Hall Bethnal Green.

“The lack of reaction has been absolutely astonishing. We haven’t been as studiously ignored as this since we launched the Bumper Xmas Edition in 2012! In fact I’d go as far as to say that the sheer apathy, combined with a kind of hurtful refusal to even acknowledge our existence, has taken our breath away.

“To be honest we can’t wait to get cracking on the November Guy Fawkes issue. The prospect of miserably  looking at the turgid viewing stats each day, and the crestfallen looks on the faces of the writers when they realise no bugger wants to read their dismal output somehow makes it all worthwhile”

The magazine the critics have dubbed “The Kim Jong-un of humorous publications” due to it’s worldwide unpopularity, did receive one or two grudging testimonials after going to press however:

“Hot damn! Are you serious? This is awesome news! I’ve been giving those limey sonsofbitches a wide berth for years!” – The Onion

“Fuck’s sake! This is absolutely fucking diabolical! Ignored by millions you say? Those poor cunts!” – The Salvation Army War Cry

“Tragic news which has saddened us all at these offices. I always found their work wonderfully uplifting, flashing and winking like a prism and yet redolent with the acrid stench of decay and death” – The Beano

“EYE CANT REED BUT EYE’M SORREE EVREEBODY FINKS THEY ARE SHIT” – The Times Higher Educational Supplement

“Christ my bloody joints are killing me!” – The Rheumatism And Arthritis News

“A shocking blow to the world of quality satire. My thoughts are with their families at this difficult time. I wonder what colour panties they were all wearing when they were given a wide berth on the internet” – Women And Animals

“Can ye no see ahm too drunk tae comment ye barmpot! Noo get tae fuck oot o’ here ya fuggin’ bashtas yersh!” – The Scotsman

“I have never seen eet. But for zem eet must be veree deeficult to take” – The Arsene Wenger Bugle incorporating Popular Optician.

So if you’d like to see for yourself what none of the fuss is about, click this link shortly before bedtime to guarantee yourself an absolutely first class night’s kip.

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

Warning: This magazine may contain traces of humour but I wouldn’t bank on it if I were you.

Clivey

Wet Time Stories

 Another diary entry by Kim Jong Un, Supreme Leader of North Korea.

 

Dear diary,

I wet my bed last night. That almost never happens. I told my wife she did it and she believed me.

But after breakfast I went to see my doctor. My doctor is a nice woman, very smart. But I’m smarter, because I told her a friend of mine had wet his bed, so she wouldn’t think it was me.

“Does your friend wet his bed more often?” my doctor asked me.
“A few times every year,” I said.
“Does your friend have any psychological issues?” my doctor said.
“I don’t think so. Dennis Rodman is always very nice.”
“Does Dennis Rodman have a lot of stress in his life?”
“I don’t think so. Everybody loves Dennis Rodman. He is the supreme basketball player.”
Then my doctor paused for a few seconds. She was thinking.
“Do the people of North Korea like Dennis Rodman?” she asked then.
“I think only the people of North Korea like Dennis Rodman,” I said. “Sometimes other people make fun of him, but I know he’s only doing his best. But when you’re as awesome as Dennis Rodman, people start making fun of you because they’re jealous.”
“Do you think Dennis Rodman may be scared sometimes?” my doctor asked. I thought that was a very good question, so I thought about it for a while. Then I said: “I think Dennis Rodman is probably very scared. That’s why he’s friends with me. We help each other out.”

In the end my doctor told me that when somebody is so very awesome, it’s scary, because you have a lot of responsibility. People look up to you. Everything you do is observed and judged and if you do something wrong, the punishment is very severe. My doctor said only people in North Korea could ever understand what that must be like.

She is a smart woman. I like her. I think more women should become doctors. My doctor isn’t mean like House.

My doctor said Dennis Rodman should take some valium to ease his mind.
“You can give me valium and then I’ll give it to him,” I said because I wanted it for myself.
“Don’t they have valium in the United States?” my doctor asked. I did not expect that.
So I said: “No.”

My doctor totally believed me. Of course now she can never leave North Korea, but that’s okay, because I like her.

Your one and unly,

Kimmy.

P.S.
Why don’t Pringles come in a bag? Once I eat half my hand doesn’t fit in anymore. And then I have to tilt my Pringles until they fall out, but I always spill some, especially toward the end when it’s mostly just crumbs. I do like how you can seal Pringles after you opened them, but I never use that option.

 

This harrowing portrait of one of the world’s greatest leaders comes from Lennard van Ree of Satire Nation infamy.

Shop ‘Till You Plop. A Gentle And Effective Retail Purgative

Written By Gary Hoadley
Edited By Clivey Dee
Graphic By The Artful Dodger.

“Oooh suit you sir!”

The Pub:

“Good evening Landlord, a pint of your best custard please”.
“Certainly Mr Thorpe. Birds Eye?”
“Yes please Bert, I developed a craving for it whilst hunting tower blocks in Africa”.

The Bakery:

“Morning Mrs Punnet, what will it be this morning my dear?”
“An uncut porn film, and an iced West End ponce please”.
“Would you like it wrapped in a badger’s scrotum?”
“No, thank you, I have brought along my own sand worm”.

The Butcher’s:

“Hello Mr Funnel, how are you?”
“Diverse and full of Carpathian Theology”.
“Wonderful, are you having a bus stop this weekend?”
“No Simon, just a simple transvestite holy ritual”.
“With Jesus and Moses?”
“Oh yes, it wouldn’t be the same without cow sheds”.

The Tailor:

“The ulcerated mouth and the pan fried eggs will
be ready for your fitting on Wednesday Mrs Horn”.
“Thank you George, see you on Planet Zog”.

The Restaurant:

“Good evening sir, good evening madam. Are you strangers?”
“Yes thank you. May we order?”
“Yes sir, Have you a Dalmatian in the yard?”
“Oh, how kind!  Isn’t he kind Rodney?”
“Yes, Miriam. Pony’s leg trotter for me please Nigel…on the rocks!”
“Darling, may I have a starter motor, with a side order of Penguins?”
“Certainly Madam, would you like two nuclear bunkers with it?”
“Yes! And I’ll also have a rudder and ball joint with Castrol Hypoid 90 gearbox oil you bastard!”.
“And what would sir and madam like to drink?”
“A bottle of Western Philanthropist 2056 please”.
“Perfect choice sir, I will return in Cyril Smith”.

The Corner Shop:

“Twenty Benson and Hedges and a box of matches please Mr Patel”.
“Get out you bloody madman!…And stay out!”
“Oooh errr!”
“Sorry about that, Mrs London- Pavement, we get them from time to time”.
“Perfectly okay Mr Patel”.
“Now, what would you like?”
“Twenty shirt- lifters and a box of dead condoms to eat now please Mr Patel”.
“Certainly…”

Editor’s Note: Gary Hoadley has now moved to a densely populated area in Florida…or at least it was densely populated until he moved there