I bet you can’t wait can you? *cocks pistol*
There was practically no reaction at all on Tuesday of this week as Soz Satire, a satirical magazine famed for it’s anonymity and risibly poor content, announced the forthcoming launch of their Halloween edition.
Editor-in-chief, Clivey Dee, 21, told an empty press conference in York Hall Bethnal Green.
“The lack of reaction has been absolutely astonishing. We haven’t been as studiously ignored as this since we launched the Bumper Xmas Edition in 2012! In fact I’d go as far as to say that the sheer apathy, combined with a kind of hurtful refusal to even acknowledge our existence, has taken our breath away.
“To be honest we can’t wait to get cracking on the November Guy Fawkes issue. The prospect of miserably looking at the turgid viewing stats each day, and the crestfallen looks on the faces of the writers when they realise no bugger wants to read their dismal output somehow makes it all worthwhile”
The magazine the critics have dubbed “The Kim Jong-un of humorous publications” due to it’s worldwide unpopularity, did receive one or two grudging testimonials after going to press however:
“Hot damn! Are you serious? This is awesome news! I’ve been giving those limey sonsofbitches a wide berth for years!” – The Onion
“Fuck’s sake! This is absolutely fucking diabolical! Ignored by millions you say? Those poor cunts!” – The Salvation Army War Cry
“Tragic news which has saddened us all at these offices. I always found their work wonderfully uplifting, flashing and winking like a prism and yet redolent with the acrid stench of decay and death” – The Beano
“EYE CANT REED BUT EYE’M SORREE EVREEBODY FINKS THEY ARE SHIT” – The Times Higher Educational Supplement
“Christ my bloody joints are killing me!” – The Rheumatism And Arthritis News
“A shocking blow to the world of quality satire. My thoughts are with their families at this difficult time. I wonder what colour panties they were all wearing when they were given a wide berth on the internet” – Women And Animals
“Can ye no see ahm too drunk tae comment ye barmpot! Noo get tae fuck oot o’ here ya fuggin’ bashtas yersh!” – The Scotsman
“I have never seen eet. But for zem eet must be veree deeficult to take” – The Arsene Wenger Bugle incorporating Popular Optician.
So if you’d like to see for yourself what none of the fuss is about, click this link shortly before bedtime to guarantee yourself an absolutely first class night’s kip.
Warning: This magazine may contain traces of humour but I wouldn’t bank on it if I were you.