THE DATING GAME

Dear diary,

Today I wanted to join a dating site, but then my advisors told me I am already married. I forget about that sometimes. I really like my wife, I really do, but she does everything I tell her to do. She never argues with me.

Well, she did argue once. I wanted to have pizza for dinner, but my wife said she was sick. Whenever I feel sick, I eat, so I told my wife she should eat too. She refused, so I ate the whole pizza myself. I liked how she stood up to me that day.

Sometimes I wish I had a wife who doesn’t obey me all the time, like Ann Coulter. I love how she says other people are stupid. No one ever tells me I’m stupid, but I’m sure Ann Coulter would. She thinks Barack is stupid. I agree, because he never calls me back.

I’m thinking of maybe taking a new wife. There are a lot of beautiful women in North Korea. My wife is pretty, but she is getting older. In want a young wife like the one Michael Douglas has. If Michael Douglas can get a beautiful wife, I should too. I’m prettier than Michael Douglas. That’s what I’m known for in North Korea.

I still like my wife, but I think sometimes she eats some of my Oreos. She knows she’s not allowed to. I could send her away, but my dead dad always told me not to execute too many family members in one year. And it’s only January.

My scientists tell me they’re getting closer to discovering how to make Oreos. If we can make them here, my wife could have some too. I like sharing sometimes.

I know South Korea has a lot of plastic surgeons. Maybe I could kidnap one of them and have them work on my wife. Or I just buy a new wife, whichever is cheapest.

Your one and unly,

Kimmy

P.S.
Today I donated 10 dollars to Wikipedia. I like Wikipedia. I think more people should pay for it. On Wikipedia everybody can change facts or rewrite history.

 

This train wreck of a diary entry comes courtesy of Lennard van Ree of Satire Nation.

THE BOURNE SUPREME LEADER

Dear diary,

I like the Spice Girls. My favorite song goes like Viva forever, I’ll be waiting, everlasting, like the sun. Live forever, for the moment, ever searching, for the un. I wanted to play it on my dead dad’s funeral, but one of my dad’s final wishes was that my uncle Jang Sung-taek would pick the music. He chose poorly.

I asked the Spice Girls if they wanted to come to North Korea, but I haven’t heard back from them yet. Maybe they are busy. Or maybe they’re fighting again.

Ginger is my favorite. I was sorry when she left the group. I was one of the many people that didn’t buy their third album. Things just weren’t the same without Geri.

Geri was my favorite!

 

If I wasn’t so busy leading North Korea, I would probably be in a boy band. I once asked my generals and they think I have the hair for it. I’m also quite the singer. That’s what I’m known for in North Korea. My wife used to be a singer and we often sing together. I make her sing Viva Forever sometimes.

It made me wonder why no one else in North Korea seems to like the Spice Girls. My advisors told me it was forbidden in North Korea. I said that was ridiculous. My senior advisor soon agreed with me. He even said we could make money selling CD’s. North Korea is the only country where people don’t have internet, so people will still buy CD’s.

So now we’re buying CD’s for cheap on Ebay and are selling them for lots of money, so the people of North Korea can enjoy the Spice Girls too. We’re making a huge online profit this way.

I love the smell of Paypal in the morning.

But then my mind went on. With no internet, we can also sell videotapes. My advisors were really happy with me and they told me I could buy BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO for like 10 dollars.

So I did. I bought BLOCKBUSTER, but I changed the name to SUPREME LEADER VIDEO.

This is what it’ll look like. My advisors tell me I’m the Supreme Graphic Designer.

 

I am so happy I bought something American. I said I want to buy Nebraska too, but my advisors told me that ain’t worth shit. I believe them.

As it turned out, BLOCKBUSTER only has capitalist movies, which are forbidden. So we replaced them all with North Korean films like The Bourne Supreme Leader, The Night of the Living Supreme Leaders and The Last of the Supreme Leaders, which is about me.

Your one and unly,

Kimmy.

P.S.
I was also told North Koreans don’t have video or DVD players, so I made a law that says everybody has to buy one so paying for a movie at SUPREME LEADER VIDEO makes sense. I want to buy TARGET for that, but each time I say ‘I want Target’ people get nervous.

 

This dreadful attempt at mocking the world’s greatest supreme leader comes courtesy of Lennard van Ree of Satire Nation.

THE DARK SIDE

 Another diary entry by Kim Jong Un, Supreme Leader of North Korea.

 

Dear diary,

Today I found out the moon doesn’t belong to anyone, so I told my advisors I want to have it. They said it belongs to no one, but then I said that’s why I want it. Sometimes my advisors can be really stupid.

Then I asked if the moon costs money, of which I have a lot. I have a total of five billion dollar. My advisors told me the moon costs exactly what I have plus one dollar. So I asked my senior advisor for a dollar, but then he told me I wouldn’t have any money left for food.

That was a good point.

So I ended up buying 51% of the moon, mostly the dark side, because my advisors said if I will ever go to the moon, I should go to the dark side, where nobody has ever been.

Now I only have about 2.5 billion dollar, but that’s still enough because food doesn’t cost that much. And if I need more money, the people of North Korea are always happy to give it to me. It’s Christmas, after all.

My senior advisor said I could give the money to him and that he would take it to the Moon Office, which I had never heard of. Later he called me and said everything was okay and that I now own the dark side of the moon. I told my senior advisor I wanna go there next summer, but he said I don’t have enough money for a trip. So I asked him how much it costs. He said a trip to the moon costs all the money in North Korea plus one dollar.

So I called my best friend Dennis Rodman and asked him for one dollar. He wanted to know what it was for first. I told him. Dennis Rodman laughed at first, but then I got angry, so Dennis Rodman was serious again. He told me no one can buy the moon and that it’s a worthless rock.

Then I realized I had given my senior advisor half of all my money. I suspected that maybe my senior advisor was screwing me over, so I had him arrested. I was told he was on the phone with Barack when they arrested him. That made me mad, because Barack never takes my calls, especially not on Christmas.

My other advisors tell me my senior advisor is a traitor to the party and that he should be executed. But I was more interested in getting my money back. My new senior advisor said he would call the Moon Office and tell them it was all a misunderstanding and that I will have my money back tomorrow.

I’m confused. Why is there a Moon Office if you can’t buy the moon? I think tomorrow I will make a law forbidding the Moon Office. It only makes things complicated.

Your one and unly,

Kimmy

P.S.
It says on CNN that America has reason to believe my position is weakening. Where would they get that idea? I almost bought the moon today.

 

This character assassination comes courtesy of Lennard van Ree of Satire Nation.

NEVER ENDING ONION

 Another diary entry by Kim Jong Un.

Dear diary,

I’m like a never ending onion. I have countless layers. People see me as a strong and handsome leader, but underneath that I am insecure sometimes. But underneath that is a strong leader again.

So whenever I feel insecure I just peel my onion until I feel strong. Actually, my wife peels my onion for me because when I do it myself I usually eat it. Onions are my favorite fruit.

Yum!

 

At first my wife said I’m only the world’s best kisser if I don’t eat an onion before I kiss. But I told her she can become the world’s second best kisser if she would eat a few onions too each day. My wife then said she would just prefer it if I stopped eating raw onions, but then I got mad cause I don’t like people telling me what I can’t eat.

But then my wife explained what she really meant: she said that, when I eat an onion, kissing me is so good she wants to kill herself because she knows she will never be as happy again. That was sweet, so I wasn’t mad anymore. I gave her a nice big hug and told her I like her.

But I still insisted, so now my wife and I both eat an onion before we kiss. She cries of course, but that’s because of all the onions. I cry too sometimes. And then we both cry when we kiss. It’s very intense.

I like being a good lover. It’s what I’m known for in North Korea.

Your one and unly,

Kimmy

P.S.
I’d like to say what people get to see of me is just the tip of the iceberg, but I think that makes me sound fat.

 

It should be noted this post featuring Kim Jong Un’s inner thoughts was written with the utmost respect for onions, courtesy of Lennard van Ree of Satire Nation.

PING PONG

 Another diary entry by Kim Jong Un, Supreme Leader of North Korea.

 

Dear diary,

I was feeling bored today, so I summoned my lead scientist to play a game of ping pong. I lost. The last time I lost anything was when my dead dad was still alive. At first I was very mad. I threw the ping pong ball against the wall, but then it bounced back into my face.

My lead scientist isn’t good at ping pong. I just failed to make a decent serve. I believed the people of North Korea thought I was quite the ping pong player, but maybe I was wrong.

My lead scientist who beat me at ping pong said: “My dearest Supreme Leader, science teaches us this is a sign from god. You are the best ping pong player in the world and yet I’m forced to live in the shame of stepping out of your shadow by beating you 15 to 0. God tries to show you what it’s like to be normal, what it’s like to be mortal.”

I guess that made sense so I calmed down a bit. My lead scientist then went on his knees and started praising me. I thought he was a good sport for beating me, so I suggested we play another game.

I lost again, so I went mad.

But my lead scientist said: “God is once again shining on your greatness, your leaderness.”
But I said: “God doesn’t need two games of ping pong to get through to me.”
Then my scientist said: “Please, your supremeness, I honestly didn’t want to win. I tried not to win…but you just missed every serve! I tried letting you win, but I didn’t stand a chance!”
“So you were trying to let me win?” I said. “You think I’m that bad at ping pong?”
“Yes, my Supreme Leader. You are this great country’s biggest blessing and I thank god every day you are our leader, but I don’t think you have a talent for ping pong,” he said.

I wanted to become mad, but I was already so mad I calmed down a bit. It was weird cause I actually liked my scientist was honest to me.

“Ah well, I’m already the Supreme Basketball Player,” I said. “I can’t be supreme at everything.”
My scientist was very relieved and said: “You are indeed the best basketball player in the world, greatest leader.”
That made me feel good. It felt like I had made a friend.

But later today I figured my lead scientist might tell the other scientists he beat me at ping pong. And then every scientist would think I’m bad at ping pong. So I had to think of a solution.

So now I made playing ping pong against the law. I also made people believe it has always been against the law. So now when my scientist tells people he beat me at ping pong people won’t believe him.

I’m so smart.

Your one and unly,

Kimmy

P.S.
I heard my lead scientist told everyone I’m the supreme ping pong player. I thought that was very nice of him. Guess he didn’t know ping pong is now forbidden. So now he got arrested for breaking the law. That’s sad cause he was my friend. I’ll miss him.

 

It is generally believed no ping pong balls were hurt during the making of this diary entry, which comes courtesy of Lennard van Ree of Satire Nation.

FOOD IS LOVE

 Another diary entry by Kim Jong Un, Supreme Leader of North Korea.

 

Dear diary,

I’m a people’s person. All the people in North Korea love me and I really like them for that. Today I did something in return. I had the following conversation with one of my advisors:

-I want to thank North Koreans for their love.
-My Supreme Leader, that is a fantastic idea. You are a genius.
-I want to thank a random North Korean family.
-My leaderness, how would that work exactly, if it’s not too stupid to ask?
-Pick a random address and take me there. I will surprise the people with my presence as I join them for dinner.
-Just any random family, my Supreme Leader?
-Yes, that is what I said.

And so this afternoon me and ten of my generals paid a visit to a family in Pyongyang. They were the Kim Slim family, husband, wife and three children. Man, were they surprised to see me! They were so happy that their Supreme Leader had come to their house.

Of course it’s not every day a North Korean gets a visit from its Supreme Leader and ten of his generals.

 

I told them I had only come to show my gratitude for their love. And then I said me and my generals were staying for dinner.

That’s when things got awkward. It turned out the people we visited didn’t have any food. That made me mad, cause I hadn’t eaten in like 47 minutes. So I asked if perhaps the Kim Slims didn’t love me enough to make me some food. That’s when father Kim Slim said he had been saving some money for a few years. As it turns out that was just enough to feed me and my generals.

But the dinner wasn’t very good. It was mostly just rice and vegetables. So I said Mrs. Kim Slim was not a good cook. She apologized of course, but it’s not like she made me another meal to make up for it.

It got worse, cause after dinner I learned there wasn’t any dessert. Mr. Kim Slim said he didn’t have any money left, but I didn’t believe him. I was right of course, because one of his children cried and said he had a golden tooth. Luckily a lot of my generals are former dentists and are good at pulling teeth.

So after we pulled out Mr. Kim Slim’s golden tooth Mrs. Kim Slim went out to buy some dessert. She wanted to make it herself, but I joked: “Oh no, sweetheart, any more of your cooking will kill me.” Mrs. Kim Slim didn’t laugh, so I guess she doesn’t have a great sense of humor.

It took Mrs. Kim Slim a very long time to come back with dessert, so I asked her what took her so long. She said she wanted nothing but the best for her Supreme Leader, but I said it’s always best not to keep one’s Supreme Leader waiting.

I didn’t have dessert in the end. I wanted to, but it turned out Mrs. Kim Slim had poisoned it. I was lucky one of my generals started eating first. I was about to have a bite when my general turned blue and died. I tried to save the day by making a joke about it: “Mrs. Kim Slim, not only did you kill my general, you killed the mood too!”

But no one laughed, so that’s when I decided to leave. I hate it when nobody thinks I’m funny.

I was really disappointed. I go out of my way to pay people a visit and then they try to kill me. How ungrateful is that!?

Of course I had no other choice than to have Mrs. Kim Slim and her husband sent away. And now I just feel empty inside. I don’t know why, cause I did have a few meals when I came home. It’s just that I give so much love and I get so little in return. I feel lonely now. I tried shooting a general, but that didn’t make me feel better.

It’s like all the world hates me. That’s what my dead dad used to tell me when he was angry, but now I believe him for the first time.

Tomorrow I’m just gonna stay inside the entire day and play on my computer.

Your one and unly,

Kimmy

P.S.
Before I had him shot my dietician told me food is not love. I guess he was just as bad a person as Mrs. Kim Slim.

 

This character assassination comes courtesy of Lennard van Ree of Satire Nation.

DADDY SUPREME

 Another diary entry by Kim Jong Un, Supreme Leader of North Korea.

 

Dear diary,

When I was still a little boy my dead dad hit me sometimes. I was a good boy and I was always nice to him, but sometimes he hit me anyway. He would also tell me I’m just a big fat loser sometimes, but afterward he would buy me a car and have a general take me out for pizza. I like pizza.

I always have the pizza supreme, because it reminds me of me.

Now I have a kid myself. My kid is very nice and I really like her. In fact, I like her more than me sometimes, maybe because she looks like me so much. So now I wonder if I should hit her too.

I don’t like hurting people, but sometimes I have no choice. That’s what my dad taught me. He used to take me out to the mountains and make me look at the view. And then he’d say: “One day, if your brother never goes to Disneyland, all this land will be yours.”
But then he would say: “All people of this land love you, but you must make sure they keep loving you. That’s why you should make them fear your love. By hitting them sometimes. Do you love me, son?”
“Yes, Daddy Supreme,” I would say.
“And do I hit you sometimes?” he went on.
“Yes, father,” I answered my dad who is now dead.
“Well then…” my dad would say and then he would walk away.

I don’t think I will hit my children. I think maybe if I don’t, they won’t be as awesome as me when they grow up. That’s okay, because I will still be cool. That’s what I’m known for in North Korea.

Your one and unly,

Kimmy

P.S.
Whatever happened to Renee Zellweger? She used to be popular.

 

This pitiful attempt at satire comes courtesy of Lennard van Ree of Satire Nation.

DO YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING?

 Another diary entry by Kim Jong Un, Supreme Leader of North Korea.

 

Dear diary,

If Russell Crowe ever sings in a North Korean movie I will have him shot. I just saw ‘Les Misérables’. Jesus Fucking Christ, that guy is the worst singer ever! Why doesn’t Barack do anything about that?

I was glad when Russell Crowe’s character finally jumped off a bridge and died.

I did like the story. It’s about a man who steals a loaf of bread and then goes to jail for a long time. For a moment I was afraid those things might happen in North Korea, but then one of my advisors told me there isn’t any bread to steal.
“Ah, so the problem solves itself then,” I said and my advisor agreed.

I think I am kinda like Jean Valjean, the guy who stole that bread. Like Jean Valjean I am awesome and very strong and everybody loves me. I help everybody out. But I also have an enemy, Barack, who is like Javert: he keeps bitching on me the entire time but he never catches me because I am awesome and smarter.

I also stole a loaf of bread once. I was still a little boy and my dead dad was having a dinner party. I sneaked in and grabbed all the food I could see, including a loaf of bread. But then my dad said it was okay. That happens to Jean Valjean too early in the movie, only then he’s given silver.

I don’t think I would ever steal something I can’t eat.

Jean Valjean raised the child of a prostitute. I am also raising the child of a woman who happens to be my wife.

Jean Valjean was a hero of the revolution. I am the Supreme Hero of the revolution that happened in North Korea before I was born.

I thought about showing ‘Les Misérables’ to all the people in North Korea so they could learn from it, but I didn’t do it. I’m not gonna make my people listen to Russell Crowe singing. That would just be cruel.

Maybe I can order the production of a North Korean remake of ‘Les Misérables’. I can already hear to people sing about how awesome I am.

Your one and unly,

Kimmy

P.S.
I guess Sarah Palin is kinda like Fantine: she is beautiful and will do just about anything for money.

 

This poorly executed attempt at mocking the world’s greatest Supreme Leader comes courtesy of Lennard van Ree of Satire Nation.

Cake

 Another diary entry by Kim Jong Un, Supreme Leader of North Korea.

Dear diary,

Today one of my advisors taught me something about North Korea: people are starving.

I was very sad, cause I don’t like it when people are hungry. Whenever I am hungry I eat, so I asked my advisor why North Koreans don’t.
“They have nothing to eat,” my advisor said.
“Give everyone a loaf of bread,” I said.
My advisor told me there isn’t enough bread.
“Then let them eat cake,” I said.
My advisor said it was the cleverest thing someone had ever told him. I asked him if he thinks I’m smarter than my dead dad. He said he was convinced the universe will never ever produce a human being as smart as me. I guess it makes sense. Everywhere I go people keep telling me how smart I am.

After my advisor left, I called Dennis Rodman. I told him what had happened and that I said people should eat cake. Dennis Rodman laughed. He said it was a clever joke too, although I’m not sure why he thinks it’s a joke.

I think I will sleep well tonight. I gave all of North Korea a cake today. I am a good person.

Your one and unly,

Kimmy

P.S.
I want to buy a guitar and play like Carlos Santana. I’ll have someone arrange that for me tomorrow.

 

This pitiful character assassination comes courtesy of Lennard van Ree of Satire Nation.

The Constant Gardener

 Another diary entry by Kim Jong Un, Supreme Leader of North Korea.

Dear diary,

I like my gardener. He’s a funny guy. He makes fun of me sometimes. Often when I meet him, he makes funny faces at me. He never did that with my dead dad, so I guess he thinks I’m a cooler person. Other people never make fun of me, even though I have a great sense of humor. I love it when my gardener sticks out his tongue and spreads his fingers on both sides of his face. I don’t really get it, but at least he’s real. Sometimes I get the idea people are only nice because that’s the law.
Not with my gardener.

Of course I’m quite the gardener myself. That’s what I’m known for in North Korea. Sometimes me and my gardener work in the garden together. I watch him and tell him what to do. But sometimes he does something else. I admire that. I wish more people would stand up to me.
He even makes fun of me when I’m meeting with my generals. They seem to be scared of him, though. Not sure why that is.

I asked my gardener his name and he told me it was Frank Sinatra. I don’t think that’s his real name. I think he may be a bit crazy, but maybe that’s what I like about him.

Sometimes he walks through my garden naked. This happens mostly at night. One time he unzipped his pants and peed over the floor when I was in a meeting with my scientists. He acted like everything was normal, so I went along with it. I think my scientists were a bit surprised, though.

I’ll miss him when he’s gone. He’s 95, so any day now…

Your one and unly,

Kimmy.

P.S.
It says on CNN I threatened to nuke Seoul today. Don’t remember doing that.

 

This pitiful attempt at making fun of gardening comes courtesy of Lennard van Ree of Satire Nation.