Monthly Archives: June 2015
And now here’s the intensely irritating, time-consuming weather forecast for the week ahead…
A manhole similar to the one that this daft bint fell down pictured last night.
The family of a prominent female conservationist who sustained serious injuries after falling down an open manhole this week, have hit out at what they describe as “a tirade of jeering and abuse” from social media trolls, who they claim, have targeted the woman and bombarded her with a number of comments that were extremely heavy with irony.
According to her husband Terry, Mrs Tracy Carter, 49 from Sheffield, Yorkshire, and a staunch opponent of the controversial fracking method of extracting shale gas which will benefit the entire country and bring much needed employment to deprived areas, has been made the subject of a number of abusive tweets on the Twitter social media site over the last few days.
Mr Carter, 54, and himself an avid anti-fracking activist, told us:
“Almost within hours of Tracy falling down the manhole she was subjected to a number of ironic comments on Twitter, and supposedly funny wisecracks on her Facebook page. They consisted of remarks like “If you weren’t so busy making sure our gas bills remained high you’d have spotted that open manhole and stepped around it, you interfering bitch”
One anonymous tweet accused Mrs Carter of being “a paranoid, alfalfa shoot-guzzling nutjob with too much time on her hands” Another stated that they’d have “cheerfully welded the cover down” if they’d been there,while her Facebook page was also targeted by pro-fracking types and was eventually taken down by her husband.
A spokesperson for Sheffield General Hospital, where Mrs Carter is being treated told us last night that she was “still incapable of taking on board irrefutable scientific evidence but stable”
“This next one will kill ya folks…but only if you don’t laugh”
In what is being seen as a surprise move, Russian President, Vladimir Putin, has announced that he plans to hit the comedy club circuit in the north of England in the run-up to Christmas. Political commentators see this as a bid to ease the strained relations between his country and The West, caused in the main, by Russia’s recent sabre-rattling, the politically contentious invasion of The Crimea and the presence of Russian forces in Ukraine.
The ex-KGB strongman is well-known for his dry wit and ability to see the humour in somewhat fraught circumstances. Former colleagues have recounted, that during his tenure as head of the Russian Secret Police, he was a constant source of fun, and would have everybody in Moscow’s notorious Lubyanka jail falling about with his humorous anecdotes while they waited to interrogate political prisoners.
Speaking on Russian state television last night, Putin assumed his famous, stoney-faced, deadpan expression as he outlined plans to tour Bradford, Sheffield, Halifax and Rotherham culminating in a Christmas Eve appearance on Wigan Pier. He ended the broadcast with the announcement that more Russian tanks and ground troops would be sent to the Ukrainian border before signing off with a one-liner:
“Why did the chicken cross the road comrades?…To escape a KGB man with a poisoned umbrella of course!”
This announcement marks the first tour of British comedy clubs by a foreign despot since Pol Pot’s memorable “Genocide Japes” tour of London and The Home Counties in 1976.
Editor’s Note: Mike Steeden is in France and has no internet, and therefore, no access to WordPress. I am therefore filling in for him this Wednesday. If you happen to be in France yourself and you spot him in the street, give him a friendly wave, tell him that you like him, and make some other inane, time-consuming comment about the brilliance of his writing. It will mean the world to the boy, trust me. Did I ever mention that I’m only 19 btw?
“Well we wouldn’t fancy tangling with ’em I don’t mind telling yers!”
The Justice League Of Complimentary Men are a disparate band of mutant humorists, hideously deformed, but endowed with superhuman powers after being exposed to harmful gamma rays during a salon tanning session in Shoreditch, East London. Since that fateful day, this intrepid bunch of outcasts have vowed to flood the world of WordPress with totally fake, sycophantic praise and undeserved plaudits until no blogger, no matter how fucking useless and inept, remains un-bullshitted.
I give you then my friends: The Justice League Of Complimentary Men:
Clivey Dee, 19. aka Captain Crawlarse
Despite his tender years (he’s 19 incidentally), Captain C has led his valiant team of bullshit artists to some of their greatest ever disingenuous acts of crawling. His powers of sycophancy can only be described as indefatigable, and it is said that he once duped over 1000 bloggers into thinking that their diabolical, ill-conceived output was halfway decent in just under 24 hours. He has been known to follow and fawn over 2000 decidedly average blogs in a single 2 hour period, many of which were in foreign languages and totally indecipherable to him. He is notorious for his love of reciprocal comments and has been known to masturbate furiously while reading them. A delusional fuckwit, he laughably believes his online magazine, Soz Satire, is actually funny and that people occasionally read it, despite it’s appalling stats and hate-filled, condemnatory feedback. Also runs a seedy rub ‘n’ tug parlour in The Philippines.
Inchcock aka The Incredible Fawning Fuck
A towering, raging, green-skinned brute, whose ability to cower members of the WordPress Family into believing that their utterly inane blog is on a par with a Johnathon Swift essay, is legend. It is said that he once crossed the Arizona Desert in 7 mighty bounds before bludgeoning Mike Steeden into believing that his latest 300,000 word tale of women with no clothes on was shit hot copy and ‘just the thing’ while he was being raked with machine gun fire from USAF fighter planes. Now retired, he lives in Camberwell, South London where he runs a small shop selling articles of torn clothing.
Mike Steeden aka The Toady
A misshapen, lumpen grotesque, he has the power to remain sleepless for months at a time as he grovels mercilessly to literally thousands of rancid bloggers, utterly convincing each one of their literary brilliance. In the now infamous “Night Of A Thousand Likes” he fawned over so many below average pieces of writing, he was found in the morning slumped over his keyboard by his brute-like wife, Shirlzilla, who had to revive him by pushing rolled up copies of laughable pieces of poetry into his bottom. His own work is notorious for being epic in length (The title alone can sometimes contain over 2000 words) and for featuring women with no clothes on as the accompanying pic. Now lives in Rochdale, Lancashire with his wife, 12 lions, and his gold plated Groveller Of The Month Award.
Gary Hoadley aka Sycophantia
The only female member of the JLOCM, and yet arguably, the most fearsome. Standing at well over 3 feet 7 inches tall, “Sicko”, as she is known by friend and foe alike, is a veritable demon of toadying and bullshit. She once achieved the almost unbelievable feat of adding a breathtaking two hundred plus followers in under an hour by writing such indescribable plaudit-riddled bullshit and lying old guff on the Chinese section of WordPress, she was given an honorary place on the politburo in Beijing. She is also infamous for using her feminine charms to her advantage and is rumoured to be able to shout the words “Great Post!” using just her cavernous vagina. Now lives in The Weary Pussy Hostel For Retired Super Villains Of Ill Repute.
Lenny Van Ree aka The Sub/Dom Mariner
The underwater representative of The League, he has the ability to simultaneously breathe and talk through his arseole at the same time, even when submerged under 10,000 leagues of ocean. Feared for his waterproof laptop and crass disregard for anything approaching honesty or integrity, this duplicitous denizen of the deep has no qualms about giving bloggers who can barely walk and rub their tummies at the same time, a veritable torrent of grovelling, insincere acclaim while gorging himself on plankton and sea cucumbers in his watery lair deep beneath the Sargasso Sea. Now missing believed drowned
Gary Moore aka The Silver Suck-Ass.
Despite being just 3″ tall, this complete lying bastard and glib tongued pussy magnet, once convinced a wide-eyed 19 year-old blonde with massive tits that her utterly clueless piece on the mating behaviour of bunny rabbits in one of the more remote areas of Borneo was on an equal footing with Darwin’s letter to The National Geographical Society. When not slavering over his latest female conquest, this diminutive fucker can often be found scuttling along bartops in East London pubs, drinking the last dregs out of people’s pints and asking them if their wives enjoy photography. He was once involved in a grim life or death struggle with Sycophantia outside a public house in Fulham, West London, which led to him giving birth to their first child. Now lives in East Berlin, where he divides his time between masturbating over back issues of the Radio Times and carrying out his duties as a Detective Sergeant in the Stassi.
Script by Clivey Dee, 19.
Smudges by Inchcock & The Artful Dodger.
In a survey of London’s underworld, it has emerged that Canadian pop sensation, Justine Bieber, is the celebrity that gangsters would most like to subject to torture.
Bieber, 11, just pipped smarmy pop entrepreneur Simon Cowell, and aggravating, oily fuck, Piers Morgan, in the poll, which took in over 300 pubs and illegal gambling dens in the heart of London’s notorious East End.
One of the hoodlums polled, “Maltese Billy” Drago, told us: “It was a pretty tough choice to be perfectly honest with you. I mean to say, there’s just so many irritating arseoles to choose from. I was pretty torn between the prospect of giving Simon Cowell a good striping with a butcher’s knife, or the opportunity of crucifying Piers Morgan on a snooker table. In the end though, I just had to go with Bieber. The boy’s absolutely crying out to have his Niagras crushed in a vice while his teeth are being yanked out of his mouth with a pair of mole grips”
A spokesperson for Bieber’s record company said last night: “Justin’s understandably a bit upset to discover that he’s the celeb that London’s underworld most want to hospitalise, but at the same time he fully accepts that it’s the price that sometimes has to be paid for being such an irritating, talentless, little turd”
To discover the identity of the annoying, female pop sensation the Mafia would most like to garotte in a seedy New York bar why not visit?
WARNING: May contain piano wire, bum notes, and severed jugular veins.