Monthly Archives: February 2015

LOMM’s Weekend “Spot The Difference” Competition

capone putin

Here’s a clue: One’s a murderous racketeer responsible for countless bloody slayings, and the other one used to live in Chigaco.

Clivey

Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under Satire

Letters To LOMM

Jo Stalin

 

Dear League Of Mental Men

Old People. Pre-chew your food by putting a pair of joke, clattering teeth on your plate at meal times.

Dave Urinal-Mint

Dar-Es-Salaam

*****************************

Dear League Of Mental Men

I’ve noticed that we don’t see much of Princess Diana or The Queen Mother going about their royal duties these days. Surely they could make a bit more of an effort to fly the British flag and boost the people’s moral in these troubled times. Once again it’s a case of Joe Public facing up to all manner of terrorist threats while the cowardly royals skulk behind the bomb-proof walls of their palaces.

HRH Princess Toby Of Millwall Docks

*******************************

Dear League Of Mental Men

What a con these con men are. The other day I was completely conned by one of them.

Marvin Vulva

Brazil

******************************

Dear League Of Mental Men

Busy mums. Make it easier to drag your toddler around the supermarket by nailing banana skins to the soles of its feet.

Barak O’ Bummer

The Isle Of Dogs

Clivey.

Leave a comment

Filed under Humor, Humour

Sadist Surges Ahead In Opinion Poll

danny poster

“Running scared?” Prime Minister, David Cameron, pictured last night. Smudge by “Inchcock”

 

A notorious sadist with convictions for robbery with violence, making threats to kill and assault with a deadly weapon, has registered a shock lead in the latest opinion poll ahead of the forthcoming May general election.

Clivey Dee, aka Danny Soz, an 18 year old satirical magazine editor from East London, is leader of the Lots Of Lashing (LOL) Party  whose political doctrine is based largely on beating people who disagree with their policy of beating people who don’t agree with them.

Speaking from a fully-equipped dungeon beneath the magazine’s office in Whitechapel, East London, Dee told us:

“It’s been a long-held belief of mine that what this country needs is a good, old-fashioned dose of brutality, and these latest poll figures would indicate that I’m not alone in this. In my opinion the sooner we start flogging our detractors to within an inch of their lives the better. My party will set up whipping posts in every town and city throughout Britain so that common criminals, blacks, gays, Eastern Europeans, Americans and other undesirables, can be meted out the summary justice they so richly deserve.

We will also reintroduce the death penalty for the more serious offenders, such as trades unionists, atheists, cross-dressers and Australians. I’m absolutely convinced that only by inflicting acts of extreme violence on certain sections of the community can Britain’s balance of payments be brought under control and peace and tranquility restored to this great nation of ours”

The LOL Party’s closest ideological rival, The United Kingdom Independence Party, issued a defiant statement last night. UKIP leader, Nigel Farage told reporters:

“Soz and his LOL Party cronies are clearly trying to hitch a ride on our coat tails to garner popularity. There can only ever be one party dedicated to persecuting minorities and that’s us. All this talk of flogging the blacks and the incarcerating of political foes is common thuggery to be brutally honest with you, and the first thing I intend to do after winning the election is to have this working class oik and his henchmen beaten bloody with rhino whips and tossed into jail”

The Prime Minister, David Cameron also issued a brief statement from outside 10 Downing Street last night:

“All this talk of beating people is errant nonsense in my view. After all, if people wanted to be subjected to cruel and excessive punishment they’d listen to Justin Bieber records or sit in front of the television watching Homes Under The Hammer”

Clivey

PS. I’ve posted this on here as well as in my spiritual WordPress home, Soz Satire. I did this because I have nothing better to do with my time while I guzzle down tuna sandwiches and mugs of strong tea during my spiritual lunch break. Please don’t think too badly of me or step on my blue suede, steel toe-capped, spiritual workboots.

Leave a comment

Filed under Politics, Satire

Average Woman Spends 76% Of Life Being In The Way Claims Report

juliette

Juliette Binoche accepts an Oscar for her role in The English Patient while getting in the way of a life-size replica

 

A recent study, conducted by The London School Of Economics, has revealed that the average adult female will spend up to three-quarters of her life getting in the way. The report, which was based on a study conducted throughout the United Kingdom, found that women from working class backgrounds were slightly more likely to get in the way, due to the fact that they spend more time in supermarkets and pubs where a large percentage of thoughtless, uncalled for, obstructions take place.

The report also found that a large number of women are prone to be in the way in the home, with over 90% of men complaining that their wife or girlfriend constantly seems to be in the way when they attempt to move around, either to get something to eat or drink, to move from one room to another or to visit the lavatory.

The government-sanctioned report, was implemented following the case last year of a London woman who got in her husband’s way so often he shot her to death as she thoughtlessly blocked his path to the cupboard under the stairs where he wanted to look for his electric drill. The man pleaded severe provocation and was subsequently given a community service order and ordered to pay £25 costs.

This libelous piece of misogyny is also appearing in this blog:

https://sozsatire.wordpress.com/

It’s a bit like The League Of Mental Men except I’m the only fucker in it.

Clivey

Leave a comment

Filed under Humor, Humour

Fifty Grades Of Spray

Gaz the rasta

“Lawd Jesus me yoot! Nah comment on me pussyclaat copy sah!…Roots!”

 

Fifty Grades of Spray
By Elsie Thribbet, ably assisted by Gary Hoadley

A large house in a suburban avenue.

“Doris, are we going to have a session then?”
“Have a lesson on what dear?”
“No Doris! A session in the bedroom
“Lesson in the bedroom? What for Alf?”
“For god’s sake Doris, do I have to spell it out for you!?”
“You spilled what Alf?”
“I didn’t spill anything Doris! Are we going to have some fun?”
“Didn’t buy any Alf
“Any what Doris?”
“Buns Alf
“Look, you deaf old bat, are we going to bed?”
“This time of day?”
“Time of day to do what Doris!?”
“To go round to Fred’s Alf
“Bed Doris
“And I suppose you’ll be wanting a bowl of soup as well will you”.
“What?”
“With your bread Alf
“Look! I want to have sex Doris!”
“You had the last ones with your breakfast Alf”

Alf has a little think…

“Not eggs you stupid woman… sex!”
“Well, you should have said Alf. I’m not a blinking mind reader!”.
“What do you think I’ve been going on about you twat!”
“Well, if you’re going to talk to me like that, I’m going to bingo!”.

The End

1 Comment

Filed under Humor, Humour

Soz Satire’s Heavily-Edited, Appallingly-Written Erotica: Fifty Shades Of Grey

fat bint

Fifty Shades author, E.L. James pictured enjoying the trappings of success at the post-premier bash last night

P.A. – “Mr Grey will see you now”

Dozy Bint – “Oh my!”

Grey – “I’m interested in learning about you”

Dozy Bint – “Oh my!”

Grey – “This is my Playroom”

Dozy Bint – “Oh my!”…OW, YOW, OW, YOW, AIEEEEEEE, GNNNNNNNN, YAROOOOOO!!!

Grey – “Right, I’ll see you next week then. Are you sure you wouldn’t like a Band-Aid for that?”

FIN.

DISCLAIMER: No punctuation, grammar or syntax was correctly applied during the writing of this piece.

Clivey.

4 Comments

Filed under Satire

Dorking Man’s Suicide After Littering Shame

drunk clivey

Inchy’s portrayal of how I might look after reading this particular skit.

This tragic story of one man’s doomed struggle to confront his littering misdemeanour will leave you shattered, moved, outraged and visibly aroused.

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire#!litter-bug-blues/cybp

TESTIMONIAL: “After reading this skit I became visibly aroused and had to stumble from Westminster Abbey with a copy of Big ‘N’ Bouncy concealing my shame” – The Archbishop Of Canterbury.

Clivey

 

3 Comments

Filed under Humor, Humour

Li’l’ Kimmy: Diary Of An Ailing Dictator

kimmy respect my authoritah

 

“Dear Diary

My doctor said I have anger issues, so I had him shot…”

For more from everybody’s favourite megalomaniac and to see how deftly and shamelessly I have plundered Lenny’s site for copy, why not visit:

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire#!lil-kimmy-diary-of-an-ailing-dictator/cdw7

This beautifully edited skit (especially the lobotomy reference. I wrote that myself to add a sprinkle of stardust to the piece) was ripped  off without permission from Satire Nation. Cheers Lenny!

Clivey.

3 Comments

Filed under Satire

Fury As Satirical Magazine Announces Plans To Merge With A Different Satirical Magazine

GazMikeClInch02

The writing staff of Soz Satire pictured in pensive mood and with funny-shaped heads last night

 

The world of poorly-written humour and satire was in uproar last night after the deeply unpopular, largely unheard-of satirical publication, Soz Satire “A Piss Poor Excuse For Humour”, announced plans to join forces with the deeply unpopular, largely unheard-of, satirical publication, The Whelk “A Satirical Word In Your Shell-Like Ear”

Speaking to reporters from outside the Soz offices in Whitechapel, East London, editor-in-chief, Clivey Dee, a 21-year-old stunning brunette, said: “Yes it’s absolutely true that we plan to merge with our friends at The Whelk. Discussions are at an advanced stage in a number of local pubs and we hope to make an announcement at some vague, unspecified time in the future:

When asked whether the move was a cynical ploy to lower readership to an even more abysmal level, Dee 18, an attractive single, blonde mother of two, said: “That’s absolute nonsense. Our stats have never looked healthier to be honest. We just see this as a chance to spread our artistic wings a little”

Dee, 21, a statuesque redhead with massive tits, has a good track record in this area and was rumoured to be the driving force behind the collapse and bankruptcy of at least three other humour-based publications.

Clivey

PS. While you’re waiting for further news of the planned merger or for your wife/girlfriend to get ready to go out, why not visit:

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

It’s got a brand new skit in the Funny Fings section too! I know this because I just put the fucker in there.

1 Comment

Filed under Humor, Humour

Britain Set To Deploy Simon Cowell’s Huge Trousers After Islamic State Incursion Onto Olly Murs’s Big Face

Olly

He gotta big face!

 

Once again the dedicated and intrepid hacks at Soz Satire are at the cutting edge of all the big political breaking news stories -and let’s face if folks, they don’t get much bigger than Olly Murs’s bloody great dial do they?

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire#!facing-death/c1gq8

Clivey

Leave a comment

Filed under Humor, Humour