When I was still a little boy my dead dad hit me sometimes. I was a good boy and I was always nice to him, but sometimes he hit me anyway. He would also tell me I’m just a big fat loser sometimes, but afterward he would buy me a car and have a general take me out for pizza. I like pizza.
I always have the pizza supreme, because it reminds me of me.
Now I have a kid myself. My kid is very nice and I really like her. In fact, I like her more than me sometimes, maybe because she looks like me so much. So now I wonder if I should hit her too.
I don’t like hurting people, but sometimes I have no choice. That’s what my dad taught me. He used to take me out to the mountains and make me look at the view. And then he’d say: “One day, if your brother never goes to Disneyland, all this land will be yours.”
But then he would say: “All people of this land love you, but you must make sure they keep loving you. That’s why you should make them fear your love. By hitting them sometimes. Do you love me, son?”
“Yes, Daddy Supreme,” I would say.
“And do I hit you sometimes?” he went on.
“Yes, father,” I answered my dad who is now dead.
“Well then…” my dad would say and then he would walk away.
I don’t think I will hit my children. I think maybe if I don’t, they won’t be as awesome as me when they grow up. That’s okay, because I will still be cool. That’s what I’m known for in North Korea.
Your one and unly,
Whatever happened to Renee Zellweger? She used to be popular.
This pitiful attempt at satire comes courtesy of Lennard van Ree of Satire Nation.