Monthly Archives: September 2015

ASK BBC TEST CARD GIRL: THE COMPLETELY INERT AGONY AUNT WITH A HEART

bbc test card

“It’s ok love!… It’s not the telly, it’s them”

Dear BBC Test Card Girl.

I’m a 22-year-old woman who recently married the man of my dreams – or so I thought. The problem is; he keeps making excuses whenever I ask him to make love to me. He claims to be too tired after work during week days, and then at weekends, he feigns illness or makes out he’s hurt his back doing the gardening. He tells me constantly that he loves me and finds me attractive, so why won’t he give me the physical love I crave? I’d like to start a family at some point, but if his constant excuses at bedtime continue, I can’t ever see myself getting pregnant. On top of this, last week I found pictures of a naked man on his phone along with a series of explicit text messages sent by my husband to this person, describing in graphic detail what he’s going to do to him when they next meet. Do you think he could be gay? Please help me if you can, BBC Test Card Girl, as I’m at my wit’s end with worry and you’re my last hope.

Yours faithfully

Mary Tracy

London E2

**********************

Dear Mary

Hiss…crackle…whistle…phutt…pop!

We apologise for this break in our transmission, our engineers are working on the problem. Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible. In the meantime, here’s some music…

We are happy to announce that normal service can now be restored. We apologise for the fault and hope that your enjoyment has not been spoiled. And now…back to The Antiques Roadshow.

Yours Faithfully

BBC Test Card Girl

Television Centre

Shepherd’s Bush

London

If you have a relationship problem and would like to receive a totally unsatisfactory response from a girl drawing on a blackboard who must be getting on a bit by now; write to: BBC Test Card Girl at the above address and she’ll do her best to restore your peace of mind after some pretty nondescript music.

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Filed under arses, BBC, homosexuality, nobs, nude men, relationships, test card, The League Of Mental Men

WHY I LOVE BEING A FREELANCE SATIRIST…

soz inciting riots

It’s not the money if that’s what you’re thinking, nor indeed the prestige and fame, let alone the offers of marriage from countless smitten film starlets and fashion models. No, my friends, it’s none of those things. It’s the brevity.

Let me explain further. I write for a handful of satirical news publications with varying degrees of success. For example, I recently had a story published in News Thump which attracted 30,000 Facebook ‘likes’, over 700 ‘shares’, and more tweets than you could shake an inky quill at, not to mention countless comments on the piece itself, some complimentary, some condemnatory. In short, just as it should be when writing ‘proper’ satire.

The real beauty, however, comes with my interactions with the various editors. Brevity truly is the order of the day with these boys and that’s right up my misanthropic alley. Take this morning’s communication with the editor of News Thump following my early morning sub:

ED. – This is good Danny (my nom de plume) I’ll get it up some time this morning. (He has a very attractive wife apparently)

ME – Thanks mate. Much appreciated as ever.

THE END

Good isn’t it? 😀

Here’s the piece if you’re interested. Have a great day/evening/night.

Clivey.

http://newsthump.com/2015/09/29/furore-as-london-turns-down-chance-to-watch-drug-users-on-pushbikes/

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Filed under Danny Soz, Facebook, Satire, The League Of Mental Men

FURORE AS LONDON TURNS DOWN CHANCE TO WATCH DRUG USERS ON PUSHBIKES

tour de france

A number of competitors on last years Tour De France pictured suffering from acute withdrawal symptoms

There was a degree of consternation amongst British sports lovers yesterday following the decision by Transport For London to pull out of hosting the start of The Tour De France cycling event in the capital.

TFL blamed the cost of hosting the event and also pointed to the extra strain on cleaning staff,  who would be burdened with the task of scraping up the remains of competitors who had been knocked down and killed by lorries and buses turning left.

Some ordinary Londoners and members of the business community we spoke to were dismayed by the last-minute decision to host the event; which has often been blighted by revelations that most, if not all, of the competitors, are using performance- enhancing drugs.

Toby Carter, a chemist from Paddington said. “It’s a tremendous blow to my business. The last time the tour was staged here I made an absolute pile just from the sale of syringes and needles alone”

Del Tracy, a cycling enthusiast from Bow in East London, was also upset at the decision. “I was really looking forward to throwing bottles of piss at the French riders and so was my wife” he told us.

Not everyone was downbeat, however. Nigel Farage, the leader of the far-right United Kingdom Independence Party appeared jubilant when he spoke to reporters: “This is a common-sense, pragmatic decision. If you set aside the fact that the vast majority of these cyclists will be unwelcome foreigners, you have to consider national security. Lord alone knows how many Islamic terrorists will be amongst the riders just waiting for an opportunity to toss bombs into the crowd, not to mention to steal British people’s jobs”

Tour organisers are now looking for an alternative venue, with Marseille, famous for its drug smuggling reputation, among the favourites.

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Filed under drug abuse, Humor, Humour, London, The League Of Mental Men, The Tour De France

QUEEN VICTORIA GAVE CAPTAIN SCOTT HAND-RELIEF BEFORE POLAR EXPEDITION CLAIMS HISTORIAN

victoria

The saucy royal pictured wiping off some stray flecks of Captain Scott’s spadge following his pre-polar hand shandy

In a sensational speech to The Royal Geographical Society, the noted historian Sir Michael Carter claims to have seen documentary evidence that Queen Victoria masturbated iconic polar explorer, Captain Robert Scott, to completion a week before his first 1901 trek to reach the South Pole “for luck”

Carter told a stunned assembly that he’d gained access to a diary Scott had written in the weeks leading up to the expedition, which told of an audience with the ageing monarch and which ended with her administering hand relief to him as a token of her good wishes before setting off.

According to the diary she then clipped off a small tuft of her pubic hair and told Scott to keep it with him at all times and to show it to other expedition members whenever conditions became seemingly too severe to continue. She advised him that it would rally the men to see royal pubes and would encourage them to redouble their efforts to fulfil their quest.

If found to be true, this would not be the first time a member of the royal family has given sexual favours to a chosen pioneer, as it’s now widely accepted that Queen Elizabeth I gave Sir Walter Raleigh a morale boosting blowjob the day before he set off to discover The New World.

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Filed under Captain Scott, Queen Victoria, wanking

LONDON’S HOMELESS VOICE APPROVAL OVER GARDEN BRIDGE PROPOSAL

tramps

Some homeless people pictured limbering up for a stint on the proposed Garden Bridge last night

London’s homeless community have added their support to the proposed Thames Garden Bridge lobby, insisting that the controversial project will provide them with much-needed shelter and even food during the winter months.

The proposed bridge, the brainchild of actress, Joanna Lumley, is seen in some quarters as a self-indulgent folly which will add nothing to London’s infrastructure and is just an ill-conceived eyesore and a criminal drain on taxpayer’s resources.

However, a number of vagrants we spoke to on a piece of wasteground in Spitalfields, East London, were unequivocal in their support for the project. One of them, a man in his 60s said:

“Personally I think this is a wonderful move and I can’t wait to start hiding in bushes and jumping out on passers-by with a beard full of sick. I just hope there’s space for a burning sofa so we can sit round it during the day, drinking brake-cleaner, roasting squirrels, and shouting aggressively at people on their way to work”

A particularly dishevelled young man, wearing an ill-fitting pair of trousers held up by a piece of string, also spoke in glowing terms of the proposal:

“I normally spend my days going round and round on the Circle Line, begging for money to spend on strong drink, so the chance to lie comatose in a flower bed is a tremendous prospect, I can’t wait to be honest with you”

A spokesman for the Association of British Vagrants gave the plan cautious approval last night:

“Yer fuckin’ fuck!” he told reporters “I’ll tek the fuckin’ lot of yersh! Yer me besht mates you are. Gisha fag…g’wan, gisha a fag yer fuckin’ bashtas yersh”

Author’s note: 20 million pounds of tax-payers money has already been spent during the planning stage for this vital addition to London’s infrastructure. Meanwhile, young homeless people in the capital are being given free tickets to sleep on night buses in an effort to give them somewhere warm and relatively safe to spend the night. Go figure. Of course, as obscenities go, it’s not quite up there with beheading aids workers or chucking gays off the top of tall buildings but it’s a promising start 🙂

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Filed under Garden Bridge, homelessness, London, Satire, sofas

MEN WHO MOISTURISE WILL BE PUT TO DEATH SAYS GOVERNMENT SPOKESMAN

moisturist

A woman pictured pretending not to care that her ‘moisturist’ boyfriend is a big mincing fairy.

A government spokesman last night revealed that they plan to introduce capital punishment for any man who is found in possession of male grooming products, in particular, facial cleansing, toning, and moisturising creams.

Mr Claude Dee, MP for Bethnal Green, said. “We feel that it’s high time the government stepped in to stop the increasing number of men who are not only purchasing but using male grooming aids. These “moisturists” should be stopped at all costs in our view and if that means bringing back the rope then so be it. One of my female constituents told me last week that she had to wait 40 minutes to get into the bathroom due to her husband being in there applying various creams to his face like a big girly.”

“We hope to get the bill through The Commons within a fortnight and are expecting full cross-party support, apart from the ex-Deputy Speaker, who is against the motion, and who is currently appearing in court facing charges of bumming some of his male constituents in The Palace of Westminster toilets.”

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Filed under fairies, male grooming, Politics, The League Of Mental Men

SOZ SATIRE’S WONDERFUL WORLDWIDE WORLD OF WONDER.

gaz beer

Did you know that The Queen has got an artificial leg? Well she has. She lost the original one during the war when she and Princess Margaret went out on one of their famous secret walks together. They used to dress up as normal civvies and go to the pictures and then down the pub after. Apparently, the Germans dropped a bomb on the cinema, where they were watching a Noel Coward film, and the Queen had her leg blown off, although Princess Margaret got away with it.

The new leg is made from wood from a tree in Buckingham Palace and she’s got a special servant who polishes it and sands it down now and again so that the royal corgis don’t get splinters when they rub up against it.. She didn’t say anything about it at the time because Winston Churchill told her not to. He told her it would be bad for the nation if they knew that one of the royals had been bombed by the Germans.

They say, that when she dies, her leg will be put on display in a special see-through box in Westminster Abbey so that members of the public can look at it and pay their respects.

It’s absolutely true this is. A bloke down the pub told me.

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Filed under The League Of Mental Men, The Queen, the war

THE SOZ SATIRE MINT PRESENT: THE GROPEMATIC. THE BUTTOCK FONDLING DEVICE FOR THE 21ST CENTURY

gropematic

Do you sometimes feel that you’re missing out on the clandestine, furtive sexual abuse that takes place on public transport?  Has your bottom become a fondle-free zone, leaving you feeling unwanted and unattractive, even to the most unpleasant sexual pervert?

Then we at The Soz Satire Mint have just the thing to put an end to your woes. The Gropematic is an ingenious little device that clamps almost invisibly to your arse and will give your buttocks that surreptitious pawing that you crave so much. Whether on the bus, the tube, or the train, you can simulate the unwanted attentions of a drooling, middle-aged sex offender at the push of a button.

Each Gropematic is lovingly bolted together by Romanian orphans and is fashioned from the very finest bits of plastic and pig iron. Every device comes with our unbeatable guarantee that if you complain just once about the build quality or the fact that it hasn’t arrived after 6 months, one of our highly-trained East London enforcers will come direct to your home to ensure that you will no longer be in any fit state to continue with your whining.

TESTIMONIALS: 

“I used to dread going on public transport because of the complete lack of unwanted attention by perverts. Now, thanks to my Gropematic, my arse is very nearly red raw by the time I get to the office. Thanks Gropematic!” – Mr Felix Todd, Plaistow.

“Due to the fact that I used to remain largely unmolested on my journey to work I almost took my own life. The Gropematic has changed all that, and now, thanks to the constant pawing I give my arse while standing up on the bus, I have begun to feel good about myself again. I even use mine when I’m doing the ironing or washing the pots so that I can pretend to have an amorous partner. I’ve ordered another one to go on my tits” – Madge Lewd, Shoreditch.

To get your Gropematic in time for Xmas, send a banker’s draft or hard cash to the tune of £34,457.89. to:

The SoZ Satire Mint

The Marquis of Granby

Millwall Docks

Disclaimer: I’m as thick as shit and don’t realise that my Gropematic will never arrive, either by return of post, nor indeed, at any time in the future. I’m unfamiliar with the Consumer Rights Act and I’m not a professional boxer or shotgun licence holder.

Signed...

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Filed under arses, The SoZ Satire Mint

OUTCRY AS CONDEMNED MAN LEFT ON ‘STANDBY’ DURING EXECUTION

chair

image by Pinxit

There was consternation and outrage amongst prisoner’s rights campaigners last night as news emerged that a condemned man at The Indiana State Prison had been left in standby mode for 10 minutes just prior to his execution in the electric chair while the executioner went to the toilet.

Prison governor, Jim Garfield, 63, told reporters. “While it’s true that a death row inmate was left with a small, energy-saving amount of current running through him while one of my officers took a comfort break, he was in no real danger and I’m satisfied that his human rights were not breached in any way”.

The officer concerned, Hal Bernstein, 34, defended his actions saying “Yes I left the inmate with roughly a third of the lethal voltage passing through him, but I was absolutely touching cloth and I didn’t want to keep the state witnesses waiting in the viewing bay with nothing to look at while I took a dump. It’s not as if I let the sonofabitch off or anything”

This is not the first time there has been a Death House controversy at this particular correctional facility. In 1987, the Governor was censured for attaching jump cables to the ears of a condemned man and boost charging his car battery during the execution of the 23-year-old murderer and rapist from Fort Wayne.

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Filed under capital punishment, energy saving, The League Of Mental Men

LOVING SOMEBODY “TO THE MOON AND BACK” NOT POSSIBLE SAY NASA.

SCIENCE WORLD—NASA has stunned the world of people who use the phrase: ‘I love you  to the Moon & Back’  by revealing it is not possible and very unlikely to be achieved in the future.

NASA say you can't love someone to the moon and back.

A spokesperson at NASA told Dafty News this morning: “You cannot love someone to the moon and back because theoretically and practically it’s just not on. You can love them dearly or unconditionally, but no-one has ever loved someone to the moon and back. This is due to a number of factors — mainly the lack of oxygen in the atmosphere and the fact that the distance between Earth and the Moon is just too vast.”

Dafty News spoke to Professor Birkensense, from The British Space Institute, who explained the difficulties involved:

“Firstly, nothing and nobody can land on the moon — no matter how much you love someone. Just because man made a fake moon landing in the 1960s doesn’t give people the right to think they can actually love someone there and then back again. It is a complete impossibility.”

Astronaut, Buzz Aldrin, who claims to have landed on the moon in the past, also lent weight to the argument, saying: “It’s not possible to love somebody to the moon and back. If I’d tried it, one of my fellow astronauts and I would have had to have taken off our space suits and would have died from lack of oxygen and would also have ended up stuck to the ceiling of the spaceship”

So there you have it. This unworldly piece was launched by my friends at Dafty News, with some truly cosmic editing by SoZ Satire.

You can find Dafty News @... http://www.daftynews.com/

If they haven’t gone down the pub that is

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Filed under comedy, dafty news, Humor