LOMM’s Wonderful World of 60s Movie Stars With Wooden Leg Issues

THIS WEEK: Ann Margret

NEXT WEEK: Marlon Brando asks Julie Christie to give him a hand polishing his wood

Mary’s Magnificent Minefield of Malapropisms

I don’t know if we’ve ever told you this, but out graphics magician, The Artful Dodger, has a mum. However, that’s not all my friends. He also has a mum called Mary. And if that wasn’t staggering enough, his mum called Mary is predisposed to uttering hilarious malapropisms.

So, from time to time, we intend to illustrate the fact by publishing them here, accompanied by some little memes, appropriately put together by The Dodger himself and entirely at his own risk.

Here’s the first and it concerns the apocalyptic tsunami that struck the islands in and around The Indian Ocean on Boxing Day, 2004. On hearing the news, Mary rushed into the room in a state of high excitement and announced: “I’ve just heard on the news that a massive salami has killed lots of people in India!”

Here’s another one that’s about to kill lots of people on Brighton beach…

Bless her.

 

 

Oprah Stands By “Troubled” Fergie Following Whitechapel Beheading Spree

“Jihadi Ginger” Sarah Ferguson pictured showing her age following her arrest last night

American chat show queen, Oprah Winfrey, last night vowed to stand by her friend, The Duchess of York, Sarah Ferguson, after the troubled ex-royal was tasered and arrested in Whitechapel following a jihadi-inspired rampage during which she beheaded 7 people with a butcher’s knife in and around the street market in Whitechapel Road.

Oprah told The Whelk last night: “I’ve known for some time that Sarah had been radicalised and had embraced the twisted doctrine of Daesh, but I was hoping she’d get fed up with it and go back to writing books for kids about helicopters. It came as quite a shock to learn she’d been on a murderous rampage in Whitechapel, but I don’t think this is the time for recriminations. I think the cops should give her a stern telling-off, after which she could go into a special home for a few weeks; like the one she went to when she was on the sauce”

This latest incident involving a minor royal mirrors the 2011 incident when Prince Edward’s ex- wife, Sophie Countess of Wessex, opened fire on Muslim shoppers with an AK47 in the Shoreditch branch of Boots in a protest at the extradition to The Hague of Serbian warlord Ratko Mladic.

Danny SoZ

 

 

 

Bernie Eccleston Offers Kidnappers Extra 2 Million to Hold On To Mother-In-Law

“I wouldn’t say my mother-in-law was ugly, but…”

Formula 1 supremo, Bernie Eccleston, has offered the kidnappers who snatched his mother-in-law yesterday an extra two million pounds on top of the 28 million they have demanded for her release.

 

Eccleston told reporters last night:  “I realise that it’s a lot of money, but it’s a price well worth paying to finally get shot of the old boot.”

 

Before going back inside his sumptuous Monte Carlo home, Ecclestone joked “My mother-in-law is so fat that when she was at school she sat next to everybody”

 

Bernie Ecclestone is editor-in-chief of Dwarfism and Idiotic Hair Monthly