10 Facts About Blogging, With WordPress Family Val Hughes

wordpress val

 

Hi there. I’m Val, and just like you, I believe myself to be a much-admired and deeply respected member of our beloved WordPress Family, and just like you, I’m totally convinced that my fellow family members are all waiting with baited breath for my latest, fascinating piece. However, I couldn’t be more wrong, and nor could you, as this handy little 10 point guide to a few salient facts about blogging will illustrate:

1 – Nobody has ever written anything of real merit on WordPress…ever!  You just think you have.

2 – People who eulogise about your copy are bullshit artists who are just returning the favour. In point of fact, they are as painfully inept as you are, so their gushing opinions and wild plaudits are worthless anyway

3 – WordPress was invented in 1888 by Sir Garfield Hoadley’s nan, Minnie, the year when the murderous, Jack The Ripper, was stalking the fog-enshrouded streets of Whitechapel, plying his grisly trade. Some say that Jack’s crimes were by far the  less heinous of those perpetrated by the two protagonists.

4 – Minnie Hoadley is still alive today and has a bungalow in East London. Last year she gave birth to 15 children in one afternoon; a feat which saw her dubbed: ‘The Bunny of Bethnal Green’ by the tabloid press.

5 – It’s a well-established fact that the fewer followers you have on WordPress the better your posts tend to be. That makes The Satire Scrapyard, The Whitechapel Whelk, SoZ Satire, and The League of Mental Men the greatest blogs of all times.

6 – Nobody’s remotely interested in your vile, self-published book, so don’t keep on about it, there’s a good person.

7 – If you say WordPress backwards 3 times while simultaneously swinging round the pub sign outside The Boleyn Arms in Upton Park you will conjure up The Dark Angel from his shadowy lair. You will also make yourself be sick down your clothes.

8 – WordPress actually means “Arse” in Latin. The Emporer Caligula once famously exclaimed: “Look at the WordPress on that!” as a Thracian slave girl bent over in the street to pick up a five talon note.

9 – In 1780, the poet and essayist, Dr Samuel Johnson, said of WordPress: “When a man is tired of WordPress he has had a great result and should now go and do something more interesting; like watching box sets of The X-Factor, playing Pokemon Go, or making a replica of The European Court of Human Rights out of toenail clippings”

10 – 99% of people who come across your laughable, pretentious output while hurtling down their WordPress reader to ‘get it over with’, don’t actually throw up their hands in rapturous glee and think: “Oh goody!”, as you might believe. In actual fact they sigh inwardly, lose a little more of their will to live, and think: “Oh no, not that cunt again!”

Next Week: I will tell you how simple it is to amass over 1000 followers in an afternoon by visiting countless disgusting blogs you have absolutely no interest in and typing “Wonderful!” in the box provided…unless, of course, the blogger concerned is whining about the death of their mum, a recent cancer diagnosis or similar. In this instance, it’s probably best to give it a day or two

Kind regards from your favourite WordPress Family friend…ish

Val xoxoxoxo

 

 

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Working Out The Gangland Way With Grievous​ Bodily Gaz.

gaz-weight-training

Written with his testicles in a vice by Danny SoZ

Hello there. I’m Gaz and I’m an incorrigible thug. My life has been a long catalogue of perpetrating extreme acts of violence and keeping fit.

Today, I’m going to show you how to reduce that unsightly belly and tone those wobbly thighs the simple and easy way. No need for loose clothing or bottles of energy drink for this one folks. Here we go then!

1 – Stop being a greedy fucker and do some exercise or I’ll come round your drum and shove a burning petrol-soaked rag up your nostrils you mug!

NEXT WEEK: Gaz threatens to put 3000 volts through your genitalia and throw your body in the Thames if you don’t stop guzzling suet pudding.

Gary “Gaz” Hoadley is Vice-President of  The Get Fit Or Get Flattened Violent Offenders Association

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Whitechapel Funerals Present: The Undignitarse, Buttock Display Coffin of Hope

I don’t normally reblog my own copy but in my case, I’m going to make an exception.

The Whitechapel Whelk

Australian Cedar coffin design, by LifeArt, is an environmentall

We at The Whitechapel Funeral Parlour are delighted to give you this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to have your arse on display to all and sundry after your death.

The Undignitarse Peek-A-Boo Buttock Display Coffin of Hope is a lovingly crafted and absolutely uniquely designed coffin that will ensure that grieving friends and relatives will be afforded a first-class view of your arse before you are taken to your final resting place.

Each coffin is fitted with a viewing aperture, which can be pre-ordered by you, or requested by your family, so that even the biggest arse can be fully displayed. We even offer a full complimentary arse-shaving and tag nut removal service to ensure that your arse looks absolutely pristine and is free of unsightly ‘cling-ons’ when it is put on public display.

Retailing at just £3567.89, The Undignitarse is unbeatable value for the terminally ill and suicidal alike; or even…

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Working Out The WordPress Way With WordPress Family Val Hughes

wordpress val

 

Looking for the body beautiful? Has your sedentary blog-obsessed lifestyle taken its toll on your figure and physique? Then The Val Hughes Workout is for you!

Here are a few simple exercises to try at home when you’re stuck in front of your laptop or device feverishly looking for acclaim and validation from abject, like-minded literary failures like yourself.

First, and most importantly, warm up with a few short, duplicitous comments on a blog that appears to have been scrawled across the site by a drunken chimp. After 5 minutes, you’ll be ready to launch into the workout proper.

Remember to stay hydrated at all times as reading and pretending to like a steady stream of amateurish drivel can be pretty exhausting, even for the most seasoned bullshitter.

Exercise 1 – Crawlarse Squats: Bend the knees and squat down until your thighs are parallel with the floor. Hold and tense the buttocks for 5 seconds while telling an inept WordPress ‘poet’ that their vile output reminds you of Lord Byron at his finest. Repeat for 3 sets of 8

Exercise 2 – Fawning on the spot: March on the spot using high knee lifts while sucking up to a beetle-browed moron of a blogger who doesn’t know his arse from his ellipses. 2 sets of 12

Exercise 3 – Bullshit pull-ups: Using a pull-up bar, tell some absolute cunt of a ‘writer’ that you’ve read all his work and that you’d definitely buy his disgusting self-published bilge if it ever comes out. 3 sets of 8

Exercise 4 -Insincere stomach-churning crunches: Adopt a comfortable supine position on a bench or floor and sound as if you’re reaching orgasm as you comment on a particularly hideous piece of prose that’s quite frankly not fit to wipe your cat’s arse with.

Exercise 5 – Speed liking: This is a gruelling little number in which you race down your reader, liking everything you come across without even looking at the title. Try to manage at least 20 likes in 2 minutes and then work up to 100 plus when you become more proficient and even more devoid of a moral compass or sense of shame.

Exercise 6 – Self-Published Tripe Deadlifts: This is the final and most taxing exercise of the regime. Put all your utterly dire and unreadable self-published books – that you’ve tried desperately to flog on Amazon to a depressing assortment of gullible and astonishingly thick followers, into 2 suitcases and lift them by the handles until you are upright. Lower them down again and repeat for 3 sets of 8. A weightlifter’s belt should probably be worn for this physically demanding routine.

Finally, warm down by reading some of the heartening but wildly over the top comments on your own depressingly poor blog, bearing in mind that 90% of these people won’t have read it, and that the remaining 10% are as totally clueless as you are; which render’s their half-assed opinion utterly worthless

Remember The WordPress Family motto everyone: No pain, no delusional gain.

Kind regards from your WordPress Family friend

Val. xoxoxo

EDITOR’S NOTE: For more scurrilous accusations of ineptitude and duplicity, why not visit our sister blog: sozsatire@wordpress.com. You’ll get another basinful in there too I shouldn’t wonder🙂

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Clivey & Gaz in: Doin’ Time

 

Clive and Gaz - Trotter Van 1

Feloniously written by Gary “Mr Knuckles” Hoadley. Angelically edited by Clivey “Baby Face” Dee, aged 19.

 

Clivey and Gaz, are residents of Her Majesty’s Prison, Steeple Bumstead. They occupy  Cell 23 on “The Ones”, in which, the following discourse takes place

 

“We’ve done it now Clivey”
“Yeah, bludy five years”
“I thought they would give us two and a half each”
“Not that “Hanging” Judge Judy mate, she’s a right steel magnolia”
“Yeah Clivey, a right steel magnet. Still, I suppose that’s what you get when you rob Buckingham Palace”
“You told me Gaz, that the crown jewels were under the bed”
“Well Clivey, that’s what unreliable Ronnie told me”
“Still, we weren’t to know Prince Philip was in bed”
“Nah, shame he rolled off onto that Corgi”
“Gave the Queen the right hump Gaz”
“I thought she was going to have our heads Clivey”
“Them soldiers in the big hats gave us a chase Gaz”
“Oh, was they hats? I thought it was their haircuts Clivey”
“Now, we ‘ave got to be careful in here Gaz”
“Why’s that Clivey?”
“Too many people running to the screws telling tales”
“You are right Clivey, I overheard the gardening party talking about
a Jewish informer”
“What’s his name Gaz?”
“Mo The Grass”
“Fuck’s sake”
“We need an escape plan Gaz”
“Where we going to escape to Clivey?”
“Spain Gaz, Spain”
“Which one is nearer?”
“Do what?”
“Out of the two Spains you mentioned. Which is the closest?”
“I wonder about you sometimes Gaz”
“Cheers mate”
“Where can we get a rope, a hacksaw, and a ladder?”
“Under my bed Clivey”
“Under your bed Gaz?”
“Yeah”
“How did you manage to smuggle them in Gaz?”
“Under my hat Clivey”
“You don’t have a hat Gaz”
“Blimey, it’s lucky they didn’t spot them then Clivey”…

That night, the two lads begin sawing at the bars in their peter.
When the coast is clear, they sling the rope out into the abyss
and began to climb down…

“It’s a long way down Clivey”
“I know mate. I thought we were on the ground floor Gaz”
“Maybe they got a basement Clivey”
“Knowing our luck, it’s next door to a zoo”
“Can you hear growling Gaz?”
“I thought it was your stomach mate”

The lads hit the ground with a thud.
In front of them, lies a huge lion, sleeping…

“I knew it! It’s a fuckin zoo Gaz!”
“Ere, look at that lion, how we going to get past him?”
“I will show you Gaz”

With that, Clivey takes a step back, and kicks the lion
in the testicles as hard as he can. As he’s running
away, he turns and shouts to Gaz…

“Gaz! Run like fuck before it gets up!”
“Sod off! I’m not running anywhere mate! After all, it wasn’t me that kicked him in the bollocks”…

Curtain falls

Clivey & Gaz are currently appearing at Bow Street Magistrates Court, charged with affray, going equipped, resisting arrest, possession of an illegal firearm, and watching BBC iPlayer without a licence

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I Had Gay Romps With R2-D2 Claims Dusty Bin

The Whitechapel Whelk

R2-D2 and Dusty Bin - Metal Penis VersionIconic game show legend, Dusty Bin, last night sensationally revealed that, during the 1980s, he shared wild sex romps with the late R2-D2, who passed away at the weekend.

“We were lovers for over 10 years”, an emotional Bin told us yesterday. “We would sometimes meet at Yorkshire Television studios when I was making 3-2-1 with Ted Rogers. We once had sex in Ted’s dressing room while he was on set. It seemed like the most natural thing in the world”

Bin, 47, then told us that the affair came to an abrupt end when he learned of D2’s promiscuous lifestyle.

“One of the girls in the makeup department told me that she once caught R2 in a threesome with a male and female Dalek when she was working on Dr Who for the BBC. There were some evenings when he would show up for dates reeking of oil…

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R2-D2’s Remains to be Thrown into Whitechapel Car Crusher

crushed car

Star Wars fans from around the globe are expected to descend on East London next Tuesday after it was revealed that the remains of popular droid, R2-D2, will be thrown in the crusher at a Whitechapel scrap metal yard.

R2, aged 39, passed away peacefully yesterday at his home in a galaxy far, far away, leaving a wife and two pedal bins aged 5 and 8.

Danny Carter, the owner of the scrap yard where the short service and final crushing will be carried out, told us: “We’ll obviously inspect him first to see if he can be put back on the road and sold with false papers. If not, we’ll cut the top off and see if there’s anything worth salvaging: screwdrivers, biros, sunglasses, that sort of thing. After that, we’ll throw him in the crusher. There’s not much of him so it’ll be over pretty quickly hopefully”

Mr Carter went on “He’ll end up as an 8 or 9-centimetre cube once the job’s done. We’ll put his remains up on Ebay and hopefully, make a few quid. I should imagine there’s literally thousands of dozy space cadets out there, willing to part with their readies for a chance to have what’s left of the boy on their sideboard”

One notable absentee from the service will be R2’s old friend, and fellow droid, C3-PO, who told us “I have a business appointment that day, and anyway, I never liked him to be honest. All that beeping and whistling used to get right on my tits”

Danny SoZ

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Roman Pants Discovered Beneath Whitechapel Woman’s Shed

The Whitechapel Whelk

stone pants Pantimus Maximus: The stone keks of Tiberius pictured last night

The world of archeology was in a state of high excitement last night after a pair of stone pants, believed to have been worn by the Roman Emperor, Tiberius, were discovered by a Whitechapel man underneath the remains of his demolished garden shed.

Toby Dell, 78, told The Whitechapel Whelk: “I’d just finished pulling down my old shed to replace it with a new one when I spotted these stone pants underneath some broken floorboards. I realised at once they could be Ancient Roman because of the writing. I showed them to my missus and she confirmed that they were. It was her that told me they once belonged to the Emperor Tiberius in 14 AD.

“We’ve now handed them over to The British Museum, who are going to run some DNA tests on any skids or piss stains they…

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Classic Song Lyrics for Intellectuals

The Whitechapel Whelk

THIS WEEK: The Girl From Ipanema

53-20256-5-girl-from-ipanema-1412032466

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Whitechapel Family Drown in Tragic Bid To Reach Syria

The Whitechapel Whelk

Cockneys_2-c-Museum-of-London  Desperate!  Whitechapel residents pictured fleeing from street vendors selling jellied eels last night

The bodies of a family of five from Whitechapel were last night found washed up on a sandbank at Wapping Dock after a desperate bid for a new life in Syria went tragically wrong, The Whelk can reveal.

The mother and father, who can’t be named, had been planning to escape from Whitechapel with their three children for weeks, a family friend told us.

“They were absolutely desperate to get away from the East End” he said “They paid a people smuggler over two thousand pounds to help them  reach the relative safety of Syria. They were planning to start a new life with the kids in Damascus. They were just doing what any caring parent would do

“Plenty of people in Whitechapel share their dream. Only last week, I was thinking about booking a passage on…

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