Hi there. I’m Val, and just like you, I believe myself to be a much-admired and deeply respected member of our beloved WordPress Family, and just like you, I’m totally convinced that my fellow family members are all waiting with baited breath for my latest, fascinating piece. However, I couldn’t be more wrong, and nor could you, as this handy little 10 point guide to a few salient facts about blogging will illustrate:
1 – Nobody has ever written anything of real merit on WordPress…ever! You just think you have.
2 – People who eulogise about your copy are bullshit artists who are just returning the favour. In point of fact, they are as painfully inept as you are, so their gushing opinions and wild plaudits are worthless anyway
3 – WordPress was invented in 1888 by Sir Garfield Hoadley’s nan, Minnie, the year when the murderous, Jack The Ripper, was stalking the fog-enshrouded streets of Whitechapel, plying his grisly trade. Some say that Jack’s crimes were by far the less heinous of those perpetrated by the two protagonists.
4 – Minnie Hoadley is still alive today and has a bungalow in East London. Last year she gave birth to 15 children in one afternoon; a feat which saw her dubbed: ‘The Bunny of Bethnal Green’ by the tabloid press.
5 – It’s a well-established fact that the fewer followers you have on WordPress the better your posts tend to be. That makes The Satire Scrapyard, The Whitechapel Whelk, SoZ Satire, and The League of Mental Men the greatest blogs of all times.
6 – Nobody’s remotely interested in your vile, self-published book, so don’t keep on about it, there’s a good person.
7 – If you say WordPress backwards 3 times while simultaneously swinging round the pub sign outside The Boleyn Arms in Upton Park you will conjure up The Dark Angel from his shadowy lair. You will also make yourself be sick down your clothes.
8 – WordPress actually means “Arse” in Latin. The Emporer Caligula once famously exclaimed: “Look at the WordPress on that!” as a Thracian slave girl bent over in the street to pick up a five talon note.
9 – In 1780, the poet and essayist, Dr Samuel Johnson, said of WordPress: “When a man is tired of WordPress he has had a great result and should now go and do something more interesting; like watching box sets of The X-Factor, playing Pokemon Go, or making a replica of The European Court of Human Rights out of toenail clippings”
10 – 99% of people who come across your laughable, pretentious output while hurtling down their WordPress reader to ‘get it over with’, don’t actually throw up their hands in rapturous glee and think: “Oh goody!”, as you might believe. In actual fact they sigh inwardly, lose a little more of their will to live, and think: “Oh no, not that cunt again!”
Next Week: I will tell you how simple it is to amass over 1000 followers in an afternoon by visiting countless disgusting blogs you have absolutely no interest in and typing “Wonderful!” in the box provided…unless, of course, the blogger concerned is whining about the death of their mum, a recent cancer diagnosis or similar. In this instance, it’s probably best to give it a day or two
Kind regards from your favourite WordPress Family friend…ish