Monthly Archives: August 2015

Vlad the Inhaler: “I’m on 5 packs a day” Claims Russian President

putin ukraine

“Can you nip down the Paki shop and get me 10 Sovereign please comrade?”

In a frank interview with Esquire magazine, Russian president, Vladimir Putin, has admitted that he routinely smokes up to a hundred plus cigarettes a day, and sometimes even more during times of political tension with The West.

“I realise it’s not doing me much good” Putin told this month’s magazine. “But I find that smoking helps to calm my nerves, particularly when things are on a bit of a knife edge with the Americans. Historically, I’m not the only Russian leader to have needed a gasper during fraught times either. I know for a fact that Kruschev got through at least 3 or 4 packs before lunch during the Cuban Missile Crisis.

“Funnily enough, it was Britain’s Margaret Thatcher that got me started on the weed in 1982. I was head of the KGB at the time and she called me to ask for the release of an MI6 agent that we’d captured and were holding without trial in Lubyanka prison. I could hear a kind of sucking noise on the other end of the line, and she explained that she was smoking a pipe and that it helped her cope with the pressures of government.

“I decided to give it a go; but I felt that a pipe was a bit too western and decadent, and might make it look as if I was trying to be like Harold Wilson, so I went down the road and got 20 Capstan Full Strength and that was it really. I’d love to quit one day but I’ll probably wait until all this Ukraine business has blown over a bit”

Putin’s admission comes just weeks after German Chancellor, Angela Merkel, admitted to Woman’s Realm magazine that she drinks 5 bottles of peach schnapps a day, and was once so drunk at an EU summit in Brussels she pissed in a flowerpot in her hotel foyer.

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