Dear Uncle Jez
I’m a Syrian freedom fighter battling the Daesh hoardes in the north of our country. Although we have made some inroads with the help of western air strikes and have driven our foes from one or two small towns, the terrorists still have control of large areas and are subjecting our people to the most barbaric treatment. Beheadings, rape, the summary execution of homosexuals and child abduction is commonplace.
If Labour win the next election, can I and my comrades-in-arms rely on your government for continued support in our struggle to save this country from extremism and from the impending terrible threat of coming under the yolk of sharia law?
I’m afraid not as I don’t believe in armed conflict under any circumstances. However, if we do manage to get in at the next election, I will make the pledge to send you and your comrades some nice warm woollies for when it gets cold at night and some lovely camomile tea to calm your nerves when you come under fire from ISIS. You could even invite one of two of their leaders over to your camp for a soothing cup or two. Why, I shouldn’t be at all surprised if that’s not all it takes to make them see sense and withdraw their forces. Especially if you’ve got some lovely shortbread fingers to share with them. I’ll make sure we send a tin or two just in case.
I hope you find this reassuring my friend. Keep in touch and don’t forget to wrap up warm at night.
Lots of love
Uncle Jez x
Uncle Jez appears courtesy of The Surrender Monkey On Sunday. All rights hastily relinquished
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