Monthly Archives: January 2016

Stepney Stan: The Council Man

alf

This piece was conceived and written by Lord Garfield Hoadley of Tobruk (Mrs) and maliciously edited by The Right Bloody Reverend Clivey Dee, 19.

Look! If that Corbyn geezer came over here and tried to turn the pie and mash shop into a vegan eatery, I should get hold of him by the Gregory and tell him to sling his hook. I’m not having a lily-livered leftie turning my Maureen into a boiler suit-wearing painter and decorator!

She works in the cleaners in the Roman Road Market…Been there for years she has, and anyway, she don’t vote. She’s not been able to go in a polling station ever since Mrs. Thatcher was shafted by John Major in the 80s. Took to her bed for 3 weeks after that she did. Her and the coalman both. So he’s wasting his time ain’t he?

I went to that House Of Parliament once. Full of poofs and
old geezers in flash suits it was. Complete waste of waste of thirty bob.

Anyway, I’m off to me council meeting in a minute. We’re gonna try and ban the Gay and Lesbian Pride march through Aldgate on Saturday”.

I mean to say, you can’t have that sort of caper going on in Stepney can yers? What my nan would have made of all this I shudder to think.

Sir Alf Garnett appears at the top of this skit courtesy of The Tottenham Hotspurs FC Ladies Formation Origami Bastards Appreciation League.

19-year-old editor’s note: This skit will shortly be appearing here:  https://thewhelkwordpresscom.wordpress.com – and so should you to be perfectly honest.

2 Comments

Filed under Humour, Satire

Unto You A Whelk Is Born

Whelk Gravatar

 

Greetings my wuffly ickle WordPress Family friendzzzz!

I know I’m massive pain in the arse (my mum told me) but I’m going to ask you a huge favour if I may.

Along with a couple of other satirist reprobates and a talented graphics wallah, I have started a small, but perfectly formed, online spoof newspaper. It’s in its infancy at the moment but we have high hopes for our new baby and with your kind help we can get off to a decent start.

It’s a London-centric newspaper based in the Whitechapel area of East London – an area I know extremely well; and it basically consists of spoof news items, vignettes of local characters – some more outlandish than others – along with a sprinkling of hilarious (it says here) memes etc.

You won’t find any biting political satire here – I can get that stuff published elsewhere. It’s just a bit of fun and an enjoyable outlet for our somewhat bizarre sense of humour. Hopefully, you’ll find it as enjoyable and as much fun to read as we have enjoyed putting it together.

One old journo friend of mine described it earlier as “brilliantly funny”. However, he’s not to be trusted and is renowned for drinking heavily morning, noon and night, so I’d take that with a pinch of salt if I were you.

So please, take a quick look and give us a follow if you like what you see. We will, of course, follow you back, and our sub-editor – a brute-like creature who has worked his way up from being copy boy on The Illustrated London News in 1888 – will be more than happy to field your comments, suggestions and spiteful abuse in the order in which he receives them.

So here we go then guys. Our WordPress site and Facebook page (please ‘like’ generously. All proceeds go to an orphaned kittens hostel) are listed below for your delectation and delight.

Thanks and best wishes in anticipation of your poorly-judged patronage

Clivey Dee, 19, and The Whitechapel Whelk production drunks

https://thewhelkwordpresscom.wordpress.com

https://www.facebook.com/www.TheWhitechapelWhelk/

2 Comments

Filed under Humor, Humour, Satire

The Jezz Bomb

corbyn with missile

As a lifelong Labour Party supporter and socialist, can I just say that Jeremy Corbyn is an extremist buffoon who has about as much chance of being elected as I have of being voted “WordPress Family Member of The Year”.

We are talking here about a man who wants to build and launch nuclear submarines at astronomic expense to the taxpayer but without any missiles on board. He also believes the way forward with the murderous, Daesh, is to sit down and talk things through over a nice cup of tea and a plate of macaroons.

Can you see where I’m coming from on this one folks? The bloke’s certifiable in my view. It’s Trumpism in a cloth fucking cap!

Leave a comment

Filed under Satire

The SoZ Satire Mint Proudly Present: The David Bowie Platinum Protein Pill of Hope

pill

 

We at The SoZ Satire Mint are delighted to offer you the chance to own this exquisite protein pill commemorating the passing of music legend, David Bowie, and made to look a bit like the one Major Tom was advised to take in Bowie’s classic hit: ‘Take YourProtein Pill and Put Your Helmet On’

Each pill has been lovingly machine-fashioned by Brazilian orphans in a corrugated iron shed in a Rio shanty town, and is made from authentic pig iron, painted silver to look like platinum.

We guarantee that every penny of your money will go directly to The SoZ Satire Mint and that no percentage of it will be going to a charity of your, nor indeed, anybody else’s choice.

Worth over 27 pence in raw materials alone, we are offering you this unmissable chance to pay homage to one of the great music and style icons of all time for just £3,567.89, payable in manageable installments of £1000 per week for 6 weeks or until we say stop.

To get your Protein Pill of Hope at some vague, unspecified time in the future, send your bank details, debit/credit card + PIN and house keys to:

The SoZ Satire Mint
The Crown and Anchor
22 Shit Street
Bermondsey
London

DISCLAIMER: I’m a vulnerable, gullible halfwit who reacted to Bowie’s passing as if I’d just learned that my granny had been shot in the back. I realise that I will receive absolutely nothing by return of post – not now, nor at any time in the future, and that any complaint from myself or my representative will result in my being attacked in the street by a SoZ Satire strongarm merchant. I have no mob connections and I do not possess a firearm.
signed…

Leave a comment

Filed under Satire

Starving Syrian Children Snub Bowie Tributes as World Mourns

starving child

by SoZ Satire’s foreign correspondent

As the world struggles to come to terms with the passing of pop legend and style icon, David Bowie, who died yesterday following an 18-month battle with cancer, a small group of children I spoke to yesterday in the besieged Syrian town of Madaya appeared largely unconcerned by the event, and rather shockingly, seemed more interested in finding something to eat.

Madaya, which has been surrounded and shelled on a daily basis by the government troops of Syrian despot leader, President Bashar al-Assad, over the past six months, has a population of 40,000, many of whom are reported to be slowly starving to death but none of whom have expressed a modicum of concern for the tragic death of the millionaire pop icon as far as I’m aware.

Through an interpreter, I spoke to an emaciated child of around 6 years of age, and put it to him that Bowie was a true innovator and that his seminal album ‘Changes’ altered many people’s conceptions of contemporary pop during that era.

The youngster, who claimed not to have eaten anything except grass soup for 4 days, and whose parents were both killed in a government air strike in December, appeared completely unmoved and even lay down in the dust at one point and appeared to fall asleep.

Meanwhile, the West continues to mourn Bowie’s passing; with one man from Birmingham in the United Kingdom spending over ten minutes sorting through his old record collection in the attic looking for a copy of Space Oddity, while a woman in Austin, Texas, painted a lightning bolt across her face and altered her Facebook avatar to one depicting the dead musical legend.

This apparent apathy towards the loss of a major figure in the world of rock and pop comes just two weeks after a young girl of 10, who had been gang raped by militia men in the Islamic State-controlled town of Mosul in Iraq, failed to express an ounce of remorse for the death of Lemmy out of Motorhead when told of his passing by a journalist at her hospital bedside.

5 Comments

Filed under Satire