Monthly Archives: November 2014

Youthful Satirical Magazine Editor Reprimands Elderly Writer For Being “Wholly Unpleasant” To Readership

NCS04

The boots Steeden wore to kick a defenceless child up the arse pictured last night

 

A writer for a humorous online publication has been hauled over the coals by the editor-in-chief for being wholly objectionable to its readership, and has been issued with a written warning as to his future conduct.

Mike Steeden, 128, from Africa, stands accused of losing the magazine thousands of loyal readers due to his constant, derogatory and foul-mouthed outbursts, directed mainly at readers from the WordPress online blogging site.

The editor of the Soz Satire magazine, Clivey Dee, alleges that Steeden has been a “disruptive influence” and a “complete fucker right from the word go”

Dee spoke to us from his office in Whitechapel, East London last night  “Steeden has been a disruptive influence and a complete fucker right from the word go and I’m not prepared to put up with it. I’ve spent months accumulating a loyal readership from WordPress, often working late into the night, being extremely pleasant and complimenting people on their blog posts even though I’ve never actually read any. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve woken up slumped over my keyboard in the early hours after being overcome by fatigue while making an irritating, time-consuming comment, and then Steeden comes along and undoes all my good work by calling people “dozy arseoles, fuckers and smelly old fat bums” Well it’s going to stop and if there’s any repetition of his deeply unpleasant and uncalled for behaviour, he’ll find himself in the dole queue as lively as you like”

Steeden himself was unavailable for comment last night as he’s in police custody for allegedly booting a 5 year old boy repeatedly up the arse, but his wife of 11 years, Shirley, 12, of no fixed abode told us “Yes it’s true. He’s a complete and utter turd and hanging’s far too good for him in my view”

We tried to get a word from one of the other staff writers, Mr Gerald “Inchcock” Chambers, yesterday morning but his landlady said he was “having an early night”

Steeden, a former chairman of The Young Conservatives and a staunch supporter of the far right British National Party, is due to preside over a neo-nazi rally in Cheltenham later this afternoon, where he will be giving a talk on how best to keep the wogs in their places before ritually burning an effigy of former socialist stalwart and Leader Of The Opposition, Michael Foot.

If you’d like to see Steeden being a complete fucker somewhere other than here, why not check out this magazine:

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

Don’t blame me if you calls you a “bloody bastarding bastard” and tries to recruit you into a far right political party though!!!

Clivey

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Filed under Humor, Humour

Satirical Magazine Writer To Be Executed For “Accidentally” Looking At WordPress Freshly Pressed Section

gaz weight training

The doomed humourist pictured in happier times

An elderly humourist faces death at the hands of the sub-editor of the satirical magazine for whom he works after allegedly looking at the largely ignored Freshly Pressed section on the WordPress online blogging site.
Garfield Hoadley, 87, who has previously been jailed for aggravated burglary, bigamy and cruelty to animals, claims that he clicked on the Freshly Pressed button accidentally while he was trying to wipe a bit of sandwich from his keyboard. “I was trying to wipe a bit of sandwich from my keyboard when I accidentally clicked on the Freshly Pressed button” he said from his home at 22 Shit Street, Fulham, West London. “As soon as I realised what I’d done I pulled the plug out and threw the laptop in the bin. I swear to God I didn’t read anything. I actually thought it was something to do with ironing clothes!”
The section in question is regarded in some quarters as being pretentious and poor in content, with only the pushiest bloggers, with hours to spend on lobbying support from their myriad followers, getting a look in. People who have psychological problems,  who are involved in car crash relationships, or battling suicidal tendencies seem to be given priority.
The man who has vowed to take the life of the writer he sees as a “misguided mug” and a “dozy West London arseole” is Clivey Dee, 19, the editor-in-chief of Soz Satire magazine. He told us last night “I see Hoadley as a misguided mug and a West London arseole and I’m going to take his bastard life, no question. I’ll not have my staff members looking at toot like Freshly Pressed! They’ll be wanting to hand out “likes” and to start making irritating, time consuming comments next!”
The execution is scheduled to take place in Commercial Road, Whitechapel, close to the magazine’s offices, and will involve Mr Dee repeatedly booting Hoadley up the arse until he’s dead.
To read the magazine in question and to enter the “Spot The New Inset Picture On The Front Page” competition, why not visit:
http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire…on the other hand, why not make yourself a nice cup of splosh and settle down in front of the box with a packet of digestives?
Clivey

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DADDY SUPREME

kim.jong.un_portrait - Copy Another diary entry by Kim Jong Un, Supreme Leader of North Korea.

 

Dear diary,

When I was still a little boy my dead dad hit me sometimes. I was a good boy and I was always nice to him, but sometimes he hit me anyway. He would also tell me I’m just a big fat loser sometimes, but afterward he would buy me a car and have a general take me out for pizza. I like pizza.

I always have the pizza supreme, because it reminds me of me.

Now I have a kid myself. My kid is very nice and I really like her. In fact, I like her more than me sometimes, maybe because she looks like me so much. So now I wonder if I should hit her too.

I don’t like hurting people, but sometimes I have no choice. That’s what my dad taught me. He used to take me out to the mountains and make me look at the view. And then he’d say: “One day, if your brother never goes to Disneyland, all this land will be yours.”
But then he would say: “All people of this land love you, but you must make sure they keep loving you. That’s why you should make them fear your love. By hitting them sometimes. Do you love me, son?”
“Yes, Daddy Supreme,” I would say.
“And do I hit you sometimes?” he went on.
“Yes, father,” I answered my dad who is now dead.
“Well then…” my dad would say and then he would walk away.

I don’t think I will hit my children. I think maybe if I don’t, they won’t be as awesome as me when they grow up. That’s okay, because I will still be cool. That’s what I’m known for in North Korea.

Your one and unly,

Kimmy

P.S.
Whatever happened to Renee Zellweger? She used to be popular.

 

This pitiful attempt at satire comes courtesy of Lennard van Ree of Satire Nation.

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Jihadi John To Appear In Eastenders Xmas Special

jihadi john

“Gawd blimey guv! Is this a bleedin’ dagger I see before me?”

As far-fetched as that may sound my ickle WordPress frendzzz, the above headline is entirely factual and based on some authentic hearsay that I picked up in the gent’s toilets in The London Hospital Tavern, Whitechapel, last Saturday evening.

If you find that difficult to believe, and let’s face it, who wouldn’t? Check out the following showbiz news story I spotted in a satirical magazine. I was so shocked I tried to make a comment, but a boxing glove on a spring shot out of my screen and stretched me out cold on the lino for over 2 hours.

Fortunately it was what I would have wanted.

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire#!cockney-jihad/c81w

Clivey.

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WordPress Slams Satirical Magazine For Publishing Satirical Article

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“That’s not the way to do it!” A WordPress “satirist” delivers his damning verdict

 

The popular blogging site, WordPress, have hit out at the online satirical magazine, Soz Satire, for publishing an article last night which they deemed to be “far too satirical and a bit short for our taste”

A spokesman for WordPress said last night “In our opinion the article was far too satirical and a bit short for our taste. This is not the sort of thing we wish to be associated with and we distance ourselves from it completely. The piece was barely 100 words long and contained little or no swearing. There was also a complete failure by the writer to document intimate, teeth-jarring details of his absolute, fucking car crash of a sex life. We most certainly will not be asking the magazine staff to accept an intrusive, and utterly tedious award, requiring intimate details of the lives of the writers any-time soon, let alone nominating them for our Freshly Pressed section that no fucker ever reads, ever”

The author of the piece, which satirised a convicted rapist being given his job back by a football club, Clivey Dee, 23, was contrite when  he spoke last night “Look here, I’m extremely sorry about all this. I shall write a mind-numbingly boring, one thousand word load of old toot with lots of lovely swearing and characters with funny names in it later today to make up for it”

Too see for yourselves what all the furore was about, and to be reduced to biting down hard on your knuckles when you realise there’s no facility to leave an irritating, time-consuming, fuck-witted comment, why not visit:

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

It’s called “An orthodox right winger” and is in the “Satire” section believe it or not.

Disclaimer: No sub-editors were killed during the writing of the above piss-take, but you can’t have everything I suppose

Clivey

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DO YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING?

kim.jong.un_portrait - Copy Another diary entry by Kim Jong Un, Supreme Leader of North Korea.

 

Dear diary,

If Russell Crowe ever sings in a North Korean movie I will have him shot. I just saw ‘Les Misérables’. Jesus Fucking Christ, that guy is the worst singer ever! Why doesn’t Barack do anything about that?

I was glad when Russell Crowe’s character finally jumped off a bridge and died.

I did like the story. It’s about a man who steals a loaf of bread and then goes to jail for a long time. For a moment I was afraid those things might happen in North Korea, but then one of my advisors told me there isn’t any bread to steal.
“Ah, so the problem solves itself then,” I said and my advisor agreed.

I think I am kinda like Jean Valjean, the guy who stole that bread. Like Jean Valjean I am awesome and very strong and everybody loves me. I help everybody out. But I also have an enemy, Barack, who is like Javert: he keeps bitching on me the entire time but he never catches me because I am awesome and smarter.

I also stole a loaf of bread once. I was still a little boy and my dead dad was having a dinner party. I sneaked in and grabbed all the food I could see, including a loaf of bread. But then my dad said it was okay. That happens to Jean Valjean too early in the movie, only then he’s given silver.

I don’t think I would ever steal something I can’t eat.

Jean Valjean raised the child of a prostitute. I am also raising the child of a woman who happens to be my wife.

Jean Valjean was a hero of the revolution. I am the Supreme Hero of the revolution that happened in North Korea before I was born.

I thought about showing ‘Les Misérables’ to all the people in North Korea so they could learn from it, but I didn’t do it. I’m not gonna make my people listen to Russell Crowe singing. That would just be cruel.

Maybe I can order the production of a North Korean remake of ‘Les Misérables’. I can already hear to people sing about how awesome I am.

Your one and unly,

Kimmy

P.S.
I guess Sarah Palin is kinda like Fantine: she is beautiful and will do just about anything for money.

 

This poorly executed attempt at mocking the world’s greatest Supreme Leader comes courtesy of Lennard van Ree of Satire Nation.

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Jubilation As Satirical Magazine’s Stats Sky Rocket

Soz Offices

Headquarters of wildly successful magazine where the concept of IP addresses remains largely unknown

The writing staff at a largely unheard-of satirical magazine were last night celebrating at their East London offices as news broke that their recorded online “hits” had passed the magical 15000 mark.

The editor-in-chief, Clivey Dee 21, told us. “We’re absolutely over the moon to have reached this milestone and it’s all the more remarkable because almost every visit we received was from this very vicinity. I can only assume it’s because we’re a London-based publication and therefore popular with local people in our area. There were a few hits from South London mind you. From the Lambeth area to be exact. I’ll have to ask The Artful Dodger if we’ve got any fans in that neck of the woods. He lives there you see”

If you’d like to widen our readership and be a part of our sparkling success story why not pay us a visit at: http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

Or write to us at:

Soz Towers

22 Shit Street

London E2

PS. No need to leave your IP address as we don’t put any store by any of that silly nonsense.

Clivey

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Deafening Silence Ensues As Satirical Magazine Advertises For People To Pose In Their Pants

pants

Professional pants models enjoy a steamy romp without risking the chance of an unwanted pregnancy

 

A sullen silence fell across a large part of the civilised world yesterday after a London-based satirical magazine placed an ad in their situations vacant column, calling for people to voluntarily pose in their underwear for a forthcoming photo casebook style section in their December edition.

Editor-in-chief, Clivey Dee 19, told us from his office close to a number of pubs in East London. “The response to our ad has been truly remarkable. I haven’t experienced an unhelpful, surly lack of cooperation on this scale since we advertised for a cartoonist a few weeks ago”

To witness the complete lack of response, bordering on dumb insolence for yourself, visit the Personal And Classified Ads section of the following publication:

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

Please remain clothed during your visit. Especially you Inchcock.

PS. Why not try our brand new “Likes & Comments” section to help pass the time while you’re in there. I found it so enthralling I’ve actually “liked” over 300 of my own comments!

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Cake

kim.jong.un_portrait - Copy Another diary entry by Kim Jong Un, Supreme Leader of North Korea.

Dear diary,

Today one of my advisors taught me something about North Korea: people are starving.

I was very sad, cause I don’t like it when people are hungry. Whenever I am hungry I eat, so I asked my advisor why North Koreans don’t.
“They have nothing to eat,” my advisor said.
“Give everyone a loaf of bread,” I said.
My advisor told me there isn’t enough bread.
“Then let them eat cake,” I said.
My advisor said it was the cleverest thing someone had ever told him. I asked him if he thinks I’m smarter than my dead dad. He said he was convinced the universe will never ever produce a human being as smart as me. I guess it makes sense. Everywhere I go people keep telling me how smart I am.

After my advisor left, I called Dennis Rodman. I told him what had happened and that I said people should eat cake. Dennis Rodman laughed. He said it was a clever joke too, although I’m not sure why he thinks it’s a joke.

I think I will sleep well tonight. I gave all of North Korea a cake today. I am a good person.

Your one and unly,

Kimmy

P.S.
I want to buy a guitar and play like Carlos Santana. I’ll have someone arrange that for me tomorrow.

 

This pitiful character assassination comes courtesy of Lennard van Ree of Satire Nation.

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Lest We Forget

poppy

This is the final stanza of the poem by the mighty, Wilfred Owen, Dulce Est Decorum Est, written circa 1917.

It is stark and hauntingly beautiful, and encapsulates for me the filth and the futility of armed conflict. I urge you to read it in its entirety and to marvel at the great man’s passion and dexterity with words. For you see, he knew what it was to experience the sudden panic of blindness, and to feel the invisible hands of mustard gas at his throat, slowly choking the life from his body.

Remember them.

If in some smothering dreams you too could pace
Behind the wagon that we flung him in,
And watch the white eyes writhing in his face,
His hanging face, like a devil’s sick of sin;
If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood
Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs,
Obscene as cancer, bitter as the cud
Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues,
My friend, you would not tell with such high zest
To children ardent for some desperate glory,
The old Lie; Dulce et Decorum est
Pro patria mori.

Clivey

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