Tag Archives: humor

Working Out The WordPress Way With WordPress Family Val Hughes

wordpress val

 

Looking for the body beautiful? Has your sedentary blog-obsessed lifestyle taken its toll on your figure and physique? Then The Val Hughes Workout is for you!

Here are a few simple exercises to try at home when you’re stuck in front of your laptop or device feverishly looking for acclaim and validation from abject, like-minded literary failures like yourself.

First, and most importantly, warm up with a few short, duplicitous comments on a blog that appears to have been scrawled across the site by a drunken chimp. After 5 minutes, you’ll be ready to launch into the workout proper.

Remember to stay hydrated at all times as reading and pretending to like a steady stream of amateurish drivel can be pretty exhausting, even for the most seasoned bullshitter.

Exercise 1 – Crawlarse Squats: Bend the knees and squat down until your thighs are parallel with the floor. Hold and tense the buttocks for 5 seconds while telling an inept WordPress ‘poet’ that their vile output reminds you of Lord Byron at his finest. Repeat for 3 sets of 8

Exercise 2 – Fawning on the spot: March on the spot using high knee lifts while sucking up to a beetle-browed moron of a blogger who doesn’t know his arse from his ellipses. 2 sets of 12

Exercise 3 – Bullshit pull-ups: Using a pull-up bar, tell some absolute cunt of a ‘writer’ that you’ve read all his work and that you’d definitely buy his disgusting self-published bilge if it ever comes out. 3 sets of 8

Exercise 4 -Insincere stomach-churning crunches: Adopt a comfortable supine position on a bench or floor and sound as if you’re reaching orgasm as you comment on a particularly hideous piece of prose that’s quite frankly not fit to wipe your cat’s arse with.

Exercise 5 – Speed liking: This is a gruelling little number in which you race down your reader, liking everything you come across without even looking at the title. Try to manage at least 20 likes in 2 minutes and then work up to 100 plus when you become more proficient and even more devoid of a moral compass or sense of shame.

Exercise 6 – Self-Published Tripe Deadlifts: This is the final and most taxing exercise of the regime. Put all your utterly dire and unreadable self-published books – that you’ve tried desperately to flog on Amazon to a depressing assortment of gullible and astonishingly thick followers, into 2 suitcases and lift them by the handles until you are upright. Lower them down again and repeat for 3 sets of 8. A weightlifter’s belt should probably be worn for this physically demanding routine.

Finally, warm down by reading some of the heartening but wildly over the top comments on your own depressingly poor blog, bearing in mind that 90% of these people won’t have read it, and that the remaining 10% are as totally clueless as you are; which render’s their half-assed opinion utterly worthless

Remember The WordPress Family motto everyone: No pain, no delusional gain.

Kind regards from your WordPress Family friend

Val. xoxoxo

EDITOR’S NOTE: For more scurrilous accusations of ineptitude and duplicity, why not visit our sister blog: sozsatire@wordpress.com. You’ll get another basinful in there too I shouldn’t wonder 🙂

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Clivey & Gaz in: Doin’ Time

 

Clive and Gaz - Trotter Van 1

Feloniously written by Gary “Mr Knuckles” Hoadley. Angelically edited by Clivey “Baby Face” Dee, aged 19.

 

Clivey and Gaz, are residents of Her Majesty’s Prison, Steeple Bumstead. They occupy  Cell 23 on “The Ones”, in which, the following discourse takes place

 

“We’ve done it now Clivey”
“Yeah, bludy five years”
“I thought they would give us two and a half each”
“Not that “Hanging” Judge Judy mate, she’s a right steel magnolia”
“Yeah Clivey, a right steel magnet. Still, I suppose that’s what you get when you rob Buckingham Palace”
“You told me Gaz, that the crown jewels were under the bed”
“Well Clivey, that’s what unreliable Ronnie told me”
“Still, we weren’t to know Prince Philip was in bed”
“Nah, shame he rolled off onto that Corgi”
“Gave the Queen the right hump Gaz”
“I thought she was going to have our heads Clivey”
“Them soldiers in the big hats gave us a chase Gaz”
“Oh, was they hats? I thought it was their haircuts Clivey”
“Now, we ‘ave got to be careful in here Gaz”
“Why’s that Clivey?”
“Too many people running to the screws telling tales”
“You are right Clivey, I overheard the gardening party talking about
a Jewish informer”
“What’s his name Gaz?”
“Mo The Grass”
“Fuck’s sake”
“We need an escape plan Gaz”
“Where we going to escape to Clivey?”
“Spain Gaz, Spain”
“Which one is nearer?”
“Do what?”
“Out of the two Spains you mentioned. Which is the closest?”
“I wonder about you sometimes Gaz”
“Cheers mate”
“Where can we get a rope, a hacksaw, and a ladder?”
“Under my bed Clivey”
“Under your bed Gaz?”
“Yeah”
“How did you manage to smuggle them in Gaz?”
“Under my hat Clivey”
“You don’t have a hat Gaz”
“Blimey, it’s lucky they didn’t spot them then Clivey”…

That night, the two lads begin sawing at the bars in their peter.
When the coast is clear, they sling the rope out into the abyss
and began to climb down…

“It’s a long way down Clivey”
“I know mate. I thought we were on the ground floor Gaz”
“Maybe they got a basement Clivey”
“Knowing our luck, it’s next door to a zoo”
“Can you hear growling Gaz?”
“I thought it was your stomach mate”

The lads hit the ground with a thud.
In front of them, lies a huge lion, sleeping…

“I knew it! It’s a fuckin zoo Gaz!”
“Ere, look at that lion, how we going to get past him?”
“I will show you Gaz”

With that, Clivey takes a step back, and kicks the lion
in the testicles as hard as he can. As he’s running
away, he turns and shouts to Gaz…

“Gaz! Run like fuck before it gets up!”
“Sod off! I’m not running anywhere mate! After all, it wasn’t me that kicked him in the bollocks”…

Curtain falls

Clivey & Gaz are currently appearing at Bow Street Magistrates Court, charged with affray, going equipped, resisting arrest, possession of an illegal firearm, and watching BBC iPlayer without a licence

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Advertisers to Electrify Little Xs in Corner of Online Ads

 

electrocuted-man

“Virgin Broadband? I’d like to register a complaint”

.

 

In what is being seen as a controversial move, companies who advertise their goods or services using pop-up ads on web pages, are planning to deliver a high voltage charge to people who attempt to close the box in order to continue looking at what they actually logged on for.

A spokesman for The Online Advertising Board said last night: “We don’t put these infuriating pop-ups onto websites for our own amusement you know. If people are ignorant enough to click on the little X in the corner before reading them, then we feel entirely justified in sending a couple of thousand volts through the fuckers. If they die they die. At the end of the day that’s commerce I’m afraid”

This move comes just a year after Hotmail introduced the controversial, boxing glove on a spring device that smashes subscribers in the face who don’t switch to their latest beta version for a trial period.

Danny SoZ

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Mary’s Magnificent Minefield of Malapropisms

 

hooker

Say it ain’t so Mary love!!

 

 

As a follow up to the previous embarrassing outburst by our graphics editor’s mum, we thought we’d bring you this little beauty.

Following a short bout of ill health -from which, she has now thankfully fully recovered – our heroine was asked – by myself as luck would have it – if she was feeling better.

She gave a careworn wistful sigh and replied: “I’m a little better thank you dear but not quite 100 percent. I can’t wait to be back on the game to be honest with you”

Hopefully, she meant “in the game” as I fear that a career as a common prostitute may prove to be less than lucrative at her age. And I say that in a deeply caring way.

 

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LOMM’s Wonderful World of 60s Movie Stars With Wooden Leg Issues

THIS WEEK: Ann Margret

annemargret meme

NEXT WEEK: Marlon Brando asks Julie Christie to give him a hand polishing his wood

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Oprah Stands By “Troubled” Fergie Following Whitechapel Beheading Spree

*May 26 - 00:05*

“Jihadi Ginger” Sarah Ferguson pictured showing her age following her arrest last night

American chat show queen, Oprah Winfrey, last night vowed to stand by her friend, The Duchess of York, Sarah Ferguson, after the troubled ex-royal was tasered and arrested in Whitechapel following a jihadi-inspired rampage during which she beheaded 7 people with a butcher’s knife in and around the street market in Whitechapel Road.

Oprah told The Whelk last night: “I’ve known for some time that Sarah had been radicalised and had embraced the twisted doctrine of Daesh, but I was hoping she’d get fed up with it and go back to writing books for kids about helicopters. It came as quite a shock to learn she’d been on a murderous rampage in Whitechapel, but I don’t think this is the time for recriminations. I think the cops should give her a stern telling-off, after which she could go into a special home for a few weeks; like the one she went to when she was on the sauce”

This latest incident involving a minor royal mirrors the 2011 incident when Prince Edward’s ex- wife, Sophie Countess of Wessex, opened fire on Muslim shoppers with an AK47 in the Shoreditch branch of Boots in a protest at the extradition to The Hague of Serbian warlord Ratko Mladic.

Danny SoZ

 

 

 

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Ask Uncle Jez: The Simpering Pacifist World Leaders Rely On.

 

 

Corbyn as Worzel Gummige - CopyDear Uncle Jez

I’m a Syrian freedom fighter battling the Daesh hoardes in the north of our country. Although we have made some inroads with the help of western air strikes and have driven our foes from one or two small towns, the terrorists still have control of large areas and are subjecting our people to the most barbaric treatment. Beheadings, rape, the summary execution of homosexuals and child abduction is commonplace.

If Labour win the next election, can I and my comrades-in-arms rely on your government for continued support in our struggle to save this country from extremism and from the impending terrible threat of coming under the yolk of sharia law?

Fond Regards

Mehmet al-Nafisi

Raqqa

 

Dear Mehmet

I’m afraid not as I don’t believe in armed conflict under any circumstances. However, if we do manage to get in at the next election, I will make the pledge to send you and your comrades some nice warm woollies for when it gets cold at night and some lovely camomile tea to calm your nerves when you come under fire from ISIS. You could even invite one of  two of their leaders over to your camp for a soothing cup or two. Why, I shouldn’t be at all surprised if that’s not all it takes to make them see sense and withdraw their forces. Especially if you’ve got some lovely shortbread fingers to share with them. I’ll make sure we send a tin or two just in case.

I hope you find this reassuring my friend. Keep in touch and don’t forget to wrap up warm at night.

Lots of love

Uncle Jez x

Uncle Jez appears courtesy of The Surrender Monkey On Sunday. All rights hastily relinquished

Editor’s Note: The League of Mental Men have moved to here:

https://thewhelkwordpresscom.wordpress.com/

Come and join us. It’s great! Honest!

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Stepney Stan: The Council Man

alf

written by Lord Garfield of Hoadley

Edited by Baron Clivey of Dee, 19.

Typical Tory ain’t he, that David Cameron? He don’t want no immigrants on the manor despite all the good they do for the bloody country!  What the bleedin’ hell does he know abart it eh? We East Enders have looked after the bloody immigrants since time began and we done it out of the goodness of our ‘earts too!

Take your bloody Huguenots for example. They came over, and we took them into our homes without a thought for our own safety. Mind you, we didn’t like the garlic, so we moved them on.

Then there was yer Jews of course. They did a nice hot beef sandwich, so we let them stay a bit longer. After that, we had your Asians swarming in. We knew they had nowhere to go so we had them over here in the East End, can’t get rid of the buggers now mind you.

Right, I’m off to me council meeting to approve Pakistani Pat’s drinks license.

To see revealing photographs of Lord Hoadley, please visit:

https://thewhelkwordpresscom.wordpress.com

To see him put all his clothes back on, please follow

https://www.facebook.com/SoZsatire/

Thank you. That will be all.

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The SoZ Satire Mint Proudly Present: The David Bowie Platinum Protein Pill of Hope

pill

 

We at The SoZ Satire Mint are delighted to offer you the chance to own this exquisite protein pill commemorating the passing of music legend, David Bowie, and made to look a bit like the one Major Tom was advised to take in Bowie’s classic hit: ‘Take YourProtein Pill and Put Your Helmet On’

Each pill has been lovingly machine-fashioned by Brazilian orphans in a corrugated iron shed in a Rio shanty town, and is made from authentic pig iron, painted silver to look like platinum.

We guarantee that every penny of your money will go directly to The SoZ Satire Mint and that no percentage of it will be going to a charity of your, nor indeed, anybody else’s choice.

Worth over 27 pence in raw materials alone, we are offering you this unmissable chance to pay homage to one of the great music and style icons of all time for just £3,567.89, payable in manageable installments of £1000 per week for 6 weeks or until we say stop.

To get your Protein Pill of Hope at some vague, unspecified time in the future, send your bank details, debit/credit card + PIN and house keys to:

The SoZ Satire Mint
The Crown and Anchor
22 Shit Street
Bermondsey
London

DISCLAIMER: I’m a vulnerable, gullible halfwit who reacted to Bowie’s passing as if I’d just learned that my granny had been shot in the back. I realise that I will receive absolutely nothing by return of post – not now, nor at any time in the future, and that any complaint from myself or my representative will result in my being attacked in the street by a SoZ Satire strongarm merchant. I have no mob connections and I do not possess a firearm.
signed…

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TYSON FURY TO FIGHT DONALD TRUMP FOR WBC (WORLD BIGOTRY CHAMPIONSHIP) CROWN

Calvin Brock v Zuri Lawrence

It was announced earlier today that outspoken world boxing champion, Tyson Fury, will fight controversial Republican presidential hopeful, Donald J. Trump, for the World Bigotry Championship early in the new year.

Both men, notorious for their narrow, right-wing stance on a range of topics, ranging from abortion to gay rights and equality for women, are talking up their chances of taking the undisputed crown.

Talking from his home in Manchester, the self-styled ‘Gypsy King’, Fury told reporters: “Trump has a pretty smart mouth for an old guy and I intend to shut if for him. I respect and totally agree with pretty much all he says, but there’s only room on this planet for one king of the bigots and I aim to make sure it’s me”

Meanwhile, speaking from South Carolina where he’s been making a series of hair-raising comments about Muslims, Trump was equally defiant: “I aim to whup this limey sonofabitch, and after I’ve done that, I’m gonna intern his gypsy ass in a secure facility until we find out what the hell’s going on with these Romany fucks”

Under WBC rules, both men will come into the ring unaccompanied where they will be patted down for concealed weapons. They will then go to their corners and sit on their stools while a number of people from diverse ethnic groups, different faiths, and various sexual persuasions, are paraded in front of them.

The winner will be decided by the three judges at ringside – all Daily Express journalists – and will be based on the amount of hate-filled bile the two protagonists spew forth as each minority group is represented in the ring.

The referee on the night will be outspoken media personality, and former world bigotry crown holder, Katie “Vinegar Tits” Hopkins, with commentary and expert ringside analysis from the doyen of Fleet Street’s right-wing hacks, Richard “You Couldn’t Make It Up” Littlejohn, and former undefeated European Bigot Champion, Nigel “The Darkie Destroyer” Farage.

Tickets go on sale from January 2 and will be available on a first-come, first-served basis, provided you’re a British white Christian or All-American and don’t have a depraved sexual appetite for people of your own gender.

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