PILCHARD SPITTLEJOHN: BRITAIN’S FAVOURITE FLEET STREET FASCIST

by Danny SoZ aged 19

Have you heard the latest? Apparently, this country’s population will have grown by over 100 million by Christmas Eve and that’s no exaggeration. The latest figures – and I’ve just this minute written them down and have them right here in front of me – indicate, that by the time you’re unwrapping the socks and jumper from Auntie Maude,  there will be an extremely good chance that the people next door will be ignoring Christmas completely due to the fact that they’re black Muslims from Romania or somewhere similar. No wonder this great country’s going to hell in a handcart. I mean to say, you just couldn’t make it up could you?

I’ll tell you something else you couldn’t make up and that’s the Scottish. Did you know that 99.9% of Scots want to kill and eat an Englishman, and that’s despite the fact that we allow them to live on the same piece of rock as us. If I had my way, I’d get a giant buzz saw and make a bloody great cut just this side of Hadrian’s Wall and watch the buggers float off towards Iceland. Scots eh? You couldn’t make them up if you tried could you? They can all go to hell in a handcart as far as I’m concerned.

I was talking to my old friends, Neil and Christine Hamilton down the pub the other day, and they’re firmly of the opinion that all the illegals, the non-whites, and people who live in council accommodation, should be rounded up and sent off to Syria to fight against Islamic State. They believe – as do I for that matter – that it will be character building for them and will free up space in the country for the decent, law-abiding, white people who made this country great – before it went to hell in a handcart.

As for our television programmes lately. I turned on the BBC the other day only to be confronted by a programme about a lost tribe in the Amazon jungle. Full of blacks it was. The only white face was the presenter’s, and even he looked as if he had a touch of the old tar brush about him. No wonder the BBC’s going to hell in a handcart. British Broadcasting Corporation? It’s more like the Black Bastards Club if you ask me. You couldn’t make it up half the time could you?

DISCLAIMER: Pilchard Spittlejohn is an entirely fictitious creation, and bears absolutely no resemblance to any extreme right-wing Fleet Steet hack either living or preferably, dead.

SOZ SATIRE’S WONDERFUL WORLDWIDE WORLD OF WONDER

by Danny SoZ aged 19

You know spacemen? Well, apparently, whenever they go up in space they carry a tube full of their own semen with ’em in a special pocket in their spacesuit.

This is in case they land on a planet with aliens on it and want to breed with ’em to create a mutant human/alien being. Obviously, they won’t be able to shag ’em normally because they can’t take off their spacesuit on account of the fact that they’d float away into space due to the zero gravity, plus the air in space would kill ’em. So, what they do, is hand the tube full of spadge to the woman alien who then squirts it up her growler with a turkey baster or something along those lines.

The spaceman then gives the mother-to-be his mobile phone number so she can tell him when she’s had the sprog and send him a few pics etc.

Absolutely true that is. A fat geezer down the pub told me.

ARCHIE PAMPERS: ADULT BABY AND THE AUTOMOBILE CLUTCH TECHNICIAN YOU CAN TRUST.

Funny old world sometimes isn’t it? 🙂

SOZ SATIRE

Dear Archie

I own a 2002 Honda Civic Sport 1.4 and have recently experienced quite severe clutch judder when moving away from lights etc. The problem seems even more acute when the vehicle is cold after being left in the garage overnight.

What do you think might be causing this and will it be expensive to repair as I’m pretty strapped for cash at the moment?

Thanks Archie

Richard Branson

Barbados

*****************************************

Dear Richard

Goo goo ga ga goo ga goo goo goo ga ga glop gloop ga ga blubberlubberlubber gloop ga ga… UNNNNNNNNNNNNNH!…

WAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAH!… I done poopy plops mummy! I need a clean bum bum! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!

PS. Sounds like your pressure plate may be warped or out of alignment Richard. Take it to your local clutch specialist and get them to check it out for you, or if you feel adventurous, tackle the job yourself using…

View original post 38 more words

NUTRITIONISTS CLAIM FIRM LINK BETWEEN FRACKING AND SAUSAGE ROLL CONSUMPTION

by Danny SoZ aged 19.

A group of nutritional experts from Harvard University in The United States are claiming to have found strong links between the controversial process of extracting shale gas – known as fracking, and the increasing consumption of sausage rolls by both adults and children in the developed nations of the world.

Professor Garfield Pitt, the head of the research team, explained: “There can no longer be any doubt that fracking and the consumption of sausage-based products, in particular, sausage rolls, are inextricably linked. We spoke to over a thousand people who live close to fracking sites and almost 97% of them told us that they had eaten a sausage roll or sandwich at least once in the last 30 years.

“Given the irrefutable link between the consumption of processed meat and cancer, these findings are particularly concerning and our recommendation is that people who live close to a fracking project move house immediately or become vegetarians before it’s too late”.

A spokesman for The British Butchers Association strongly refuted the claims last night: “It’s nonsense to claim that fracking can be linked in any way, shape, or form to the perfectly innocent, and in our view, harmless practice of eating sausages. Admittedly, it probably causes earthquakes, sink holes, widespread disease, pronounced limping and extreme climate change, but sausage-eating? I really don’t think so”

We tried to speak to some people who live close to fracking sites yesterday but they had all been killed by fracking.

Press Association

GAME OF THRONES FANS MOSTLY 40 PLUS LOSERS CLAIMS REPORT

 

This one comes courtesy of my friends at Dafty News, who regularly expose their 30,000 readers to my inept and risible output. They still haven’t paid me mind!

A recent survey by The British Viewer’s Association has revealed that almost all Game of Thrones fans are middle-aged male losers

Most fans are aged between 40 and 49 and still live with their parents, who feed them and pay for their Broadband.

Game of Thrones fan, Barry, 43, from Berwick,  said: “I was never married and I don’t have kids. Game of Thrones is my life. I have no friends, I don’t drink and I hate porn.”

Barry is just one of the many Game of Thrones fans who have failed in life, but who feel that in Game of Thrones, they have found a reason to live..

Derek from Oxfordshire,  invited our reporter into his home where the 48-year-old long-term unemployed man’s bedroom resembled that of a substance-abusing teenager’s.

He proudly showed us his Game of Thrones bedspread and matching lampshade and slippers.

He said of his obsession: “I am one of life’s complete and utter failures. I can’t hold down a job, I can’t find a woman and I have no prospects in life whatsoever. This is the reason I like Game of Thrones.”

The statistical sales figures for DVD purchasing and TV show viewing were not available for analysis, but an inside source said of the find: “These statistics are bang on, and, although I am not allowed to say it –  Game of Thrones is perfect viewing for middle-aged no- hoper men who are scared to go to sleep with the light out and have midget fantasies.”

CHANCELLOR GEORGE OSBORNE IN LIMPING CAT MYSTERY

There was growing concern last night over the condition of the resident cat at Number 11 Downing Street, home of Chancellor Of The Exchequer, George Osborne, after it was spotted walking with a pronounced limp following the defeat of the government’s bill to slash tax credits for working families in The House of Lords on Monday.

A number of eye witnesses reported seeing the tortoiseshell feline limping down Downing Street just hours after the Chancellor had returned home late on Monday evening, following the bill’s rejection by Labour and Lib Dem peers – the first time a finance bill had been thrown out in 100 years.

An American tourist, who was taking photographs outside Number 10 on Monday evening, reported hearing a series of thuds followed by loud meowing shortly after Osborne’s return.

“I have to say that Mr Osborne didn’t look very happy as he got out of the limo that evening. He slammed the car door and then just stormed into number 11. He didn’t even acknowledge the police officers outside the door when they said good evening. Almost immediately, I heard muffled bangs and what sounded like an animal mewling with pain. The door was then thrown open and I saw this tortoiseshell cat tossed out onto the sidewalk. It then took off down the street and seemed to be carrying one of its back legs. I then heard raised voices from inside the house.  A woman then came out carrying a bowl of food and began calling after it but the poor little guy just went and hid behind some garbage cans”

This latest incident comes just a day after a dog belonging to Formula 1 driver, Nico Rosberg, was taken to a veterinary surgeon with facial injuries after the German ace had lost his bid to become world driver champion to British rival, Lewis Hamilton, on Sunday in The United States Grand Prix.

Danny SoZ aged 19.

PEOPLE AT GREATER RISK OF CANCER THAN INANIMATE OBJECTS CLAIMS SHOCK REPORT

A recently published report from The World Health Organisation claims that human beings are statistically far more likely to die of cancer than lifeless objects such as pencils or lamp shades.

The report also reveals that inanimate objects significantly outlive their human counterparts, despite lack of exercise and not adhering to a healthy eating regime.

Scientists from WHO studied a number of people from different countries and compared their cancer risk to that of objects such as brick walls and pairs of trousers and concluded that, no matter where you came from, you were far more likely to suffer from cancer at some point in your life than a flat screen television.

The report concludes by stating that, although vegetarians don’t live any longer than people who include meat in their diet, and that they certainly won’t outlive a sideboard, they are far more likely to discuss their strict dietary habits at dinner parties and to be particularly unpleasant companions in a lift.

NOAH: AN EVERYDAY STORY OF FLOOD-BATTLING FOLK

Devoutly written by Gary Hoadley

Religiously edited by Clivey Dee aged 19.

Part One

Noah comes home from a hard day on the farm. He enters the kitchen, where he finds his wife cooking a pot of stew…

“You won’t believe what’s happened love” says Noah.
“What’s that then?” answers Mrs Noah
“Well, I was in the barn last night when God came in and…”
“Get on with it then, the stews on the turn love” replies Mrs Noah.
“He only wants me to build an Ark!”
“What’s a park then?”
“No, Maude, an Ark”
“Nark? That’s one of them people that informs on you”
“A fuckin’ Ark! Ark! Ark”
“Three of them? Is he off his swede?” says Mrs Noah.
“Look, it’s a big boat that animals live in Maude”
“Why don’t he want you to build a zoo then?”
“Because a zoo don’t fuckin’ float!”
“Float?…Is it going to rain then?”
“Well, according to God, it’s going to piss down for forty days solid Maude”
“How does he know? He isn’t Michael Fish?”
“Just get my dinner will you Maude…”

For the next six months, Noah worked diligently, building the Ark.
He was on the second coat of varnish, when Mrs Noah approached…

“So this is the Ark then?” said Mrs Noah
“Yeah, what do you think?”
“It’s very big Noah”
“Has to be, Maude. We’ve got all those animals to stall”
“How many animals have you got to get then?”
“Two of each according to God”
“A pair of each? Why is that then?”
“Think about it love”
“Oh, yeah, they got to have someone to talk to”
“Do you do it to get me going Maude?”
“How you going to feed them then Noah?”
“God said he will provide”
“Must have a wholesaler on the books then”
“For fucks sake…” mutters Noah to himself.

The Ark is now finished. Noah and Maude are standing at the entrance supervising the loading of the animals….

“Watch out Maude, those sandy-coloured ones with the manes look a bit dodgy”
“What are they then Noah?”
“How the hell do I know? I’ve only ever seen a camel”
“So what if some of them is dangerous?”
“We give them a clump with the sticks”
“What about that great big enormous pair of things with the long noses”
“What!?”
“How you going to subdue them with that stupid stick?”
“If you don’t give it a rest, I will clump you Maude!”
“Oh very nice, I’m sure God will like that”
“Look, if something bites you, stick a poultice on it”
“What if it’s poisonous Noah?”
“Suck the fuckin’ poison out!”
“Lets hope you don’t get bit lower down then eh Noah?”

With all the animals on board. Noah and his wife wait for the rain.

“The smell! it’s nearly as bad as you when you’ve been on the ale” says Maude
“Hold on love! It’s not my fault they have bad guts”
“Don’t go giving them handfuls of Brussels Sprouts then”
“It’s a snack, does them good”
“Don’t do me good when I’m sliding about in a river of shit!”
“We are doing Gods work Maude”
“No, Noah, I’m doing the work while you read”
“Give it a rest! Who built the bludy thing in the firstplace?”
“Yeah, well it’s pretty obvious you did by the state of it”.

After a fitful night’s sleep on the floor, Noah wakes to the sound of rain.

In part two, the Ark sets sail on a sea of rain

DANNY SPARKO: WBC ONLINE CONSUMER CHAMPION

Dear Danny

As someone who has always been interested in crafts; upcycling, crochet etc, I decided to join a small Facebook group a few weeks ago, consisting of a number of other people who share my interests, with a view to exchanging ideas and even buying and selling our work online.

Sadly, a man in the group keeps making inappropriate remarks about my physical appearance and I’m finding it terribly upsetting. I’m also worried that my partner will find out as he’s very short-tempered and I’m scared that he might go round and sort this chap out. The last thing I want is for anyone to get hurt, so please help if you can Danny as I’m at my wits end with worry over this one. Thank you x

Mina Dell

London

******************

Dear Mina

I totally understand your desire to avoid any physical violence as a result of this one sweetheart, so I’ve traced the geezer through his IP address and gone round his house. As soon as he opened the door, I straightened him with a peach of a right hook to the jaw. I then dragged him to his feet and went to work downstairs, sickening him with a few big bombs to the solar plexus before putting him back on the deck with a right/left combination to the temple. At this point, his old woman came out and started shouting the odds and telling me to leave him. She was a big, ugly old sort and looked a lot like Desperate Dan so I told her to shut it or I’d serve her up too.

By now, the geezer was coming round so I stamped on his head, giving him the old 5mm tread. This seemed to quieten him down, so I gave him a few toe-enders to the kidneys to liven him up a bit. I could see the boy had had enough by now so I pulled out a Stanley blade and gave him a striping across his neck and chest before putting his lights out once and for all with a right cross to the chin.

Before I left, I told his missus that he was a nonce and a sleazy mug and that if he contacted you again I’d come round and finish what I’d started. I then torched his motor and drove back to the office.

I hope this sets your mind at rest princess. I always maintain that these little problems can be settled amicably with a bit of diplomacy and patience and with the minimum of unpleasantness.

All the very best sweetheart

From your pal

Danny x

SOZ SATIRE’S WONDERFUL WORLDWIDE WORLD OF WONDERS

You know that Benjamin Netanyahu out of the Israeli government? He can sing using just his arse and regularly performs a medley of tunes during tea breaks at cabinet meetings.

Apparently, he sucks in air through his mouth and expels it from his arse, wobbling his buttocks with his hands to create different notes. His repertoire includes The Rose of Tralee, When You’re Smiling and Thanks For The Memories. He once accidentally lost control of his bowels during a performance but managed to get out of it by telling the other members of the government that he was just clearing his throat.

He can also recreate various sound effects, including Dr Who’s spaceship taking off and the opening cannonade at The Battle of St. Austerlitz. His wife can also do it and they regularly sing their children to sleep using their arses.

Absolutely true that is. My nan told me down the pub.