NUTRITIONISTS CLAIM FIRM LINK BETWEEN FRACKING AND SAUSAGE ROLL CONSUMPTION

sausage roll

by Danny SoZ aged 19.

A group of nutritional experts from Harvard University in The United States are claiming to have found strong links between the controversial process of extracting shale gas – known as fracking, and the increasing consumption of sausage rolls by both adults and children in the developed nations of the world.

Professor Garfield Pitt, the head of the research team, explained: “There can no longer be any doubt that fracking and the consumption of sausage-based products, in particular, sausage rolls, are inextricably linked. We spoke to over a thousand people who live close to fracking sites and almost 97% of them told us that they had eaten a sausage roll or sandwich at least once in the last 30 years.

“Given the irrefutable link between the consumption of processed meat and cancer, these findings are particularly concerning and our recommendation is that people who live close to a fracking project move house immediately or become vegetarians before it’s too late”.

A spokesman for The British Butchers Association strongly refuted the claims last night: “It’s nonsense to claim that fracking can be linked in any way, shape, or form to the perfectly innocent, and in our view, harmless practice of eating sausages. Admittedly, it probably causes earthquakes, sink holes, widespread disease, pronounced limping and extreme climate change, but sausage-eating? I really don’t think so”

We tried to speak to some people who live close to fracking sites yesterday but they had all been killed by fracking.

Press Association

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1 Comment

Filed under Satire

One response to “NUTRITIONISTS CLAIM FIRM LINK BETWEEN FRACKING AND SAUSAGE ROLL CONSUMPTION

  1. A fracking of sausage rolls!

    Like

PLEASE BE GENTLE. WE SATIRISTS CAN DISH IT OUT BUT WE CAN'T TAKE IT.

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