PEOPLE AT GREATER RISK OF CANCER THAN INANIMATE OBJECTS CLAIMS SHOCK REPORT

sideboard

A recently published report from The World Health Organisation claims that human beings are statistically far more likely to die of cancer than lifeless objects such as pencils or lamp shades.

The report also reveals that inanimate objects significantly outlive their human counterparts, despite lack of exercise and not adhering to a healthy eating regime.

Scientists from WHO studied a number of people from different countries and compared their cancer risk to that of objects such as brick walls and pairs of trousers and concluded that, no matter where you came from, you were far more likely to suffer from cancer at some point in your life than a flat screen television.

The report concludes by stating that, although vegetarians don’t live any longer than people who include meat in their diet, and that they certainly won’t outlive a sideboard, they are far more likely to discuss their strict dietary habits at dinner parties and to be particularly unpleasant companions in a lift.

Advertisements

10 Comments

Filed under Satire

10 responses to “PEOPLE AT GREATER RISK OF CANCER THAN INANIMATE OBJECTS CLAIMS SHOCK REPORT

  1. This is a worrying piece of research. Furniture has all the luck.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. ratty

    Dear Messrs. LoM & SoZ.

    Am I to assume, Sirs, that this report is in any way related to another in the national journals, by the same World Health Organisation, that Pork, Ham and Sausages are as deadly as cigarettes, snuff and other tobacco based products, in causing cancer ?

    A friend of mine is somewhat concerned, because the dear chap, just last night, finding himself in a high state of sexual excitement, forewent the use of his customary Cuban cigar, and administered himself anal penetration with a Wall’s frozen pork sausage.

    Should he be fortunate enough to survive, I have he has vowed never again to repeat this form of self-abuse (exciting as he has proclaimed it to be) and is indebted to you for your informative, eye-opening article, and hereforth, will restrict himself to the healthier alternative of a chair or wooden table leg for his future pleasures.

    My friend has requested that I convey you his compliments, and trusts you will forgive him his confused ramblings, occasioned as they are by a deuced uncommonly high fever.

    Liked by 1 person

PLEASE BE GENTLE. WE SATIRISTS CAN DISH IT OUT BUT WE CAN'T TAKE IT.

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s