Tag Archives: fracking

‘FRACK DAESH!’ GREEN PARTY VOWS TO CRUSH JIHADISTS

skeleton

artists impression of a jihadist in torment after a good fracking

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The Green Party last night outlined plans to counter the threat emanating from fundamentalist Islam by introducing a program of intensive fracking in Daesh-held strongholds.

They believe that the resultant devastation will wipe the extremists from the face of the earth and bring about a new golden age of verdant landscapes, humanely-reared farmyard animals and organic sausages for all.

Speaking to reporters last night, Green Party military advisor, Tarquin Beard, said:

“In the light of the recent tragic events in Paris, we at the Green Party have decided to take off the vegetarian kid gloves and get tough with these unpleasant chaps. We believe, that only by introducing fracking to the regions where Daesh hold sway, will the world finally be free of their menace. As you are all no doubt aware, fracking has already claimed millions of American lives in the the 20 years or so since its introduction, so why not turn its destructive power on those who would cause us harm?

“Admittedly, the Americans claim that the death toll was mainly down to the aging process, drive by shootings, and morbid obesity-related issues, but we know different. It was fracking that killed them just as one day it will wipe all of mankind from the face of the earth – but in the meantime, we believe it could be harnessed and used as a force to rid mankind of this evil ideology”

When questioned about the possible effect on other living creatures in the region, Mr Beard became agitated and stumbled from the room, muttering something about building an ark.

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Fracking is the process by which shale gas is extracted from the earth’s crust by forcing water into bore holes at extreme high pressure, forcing the gas upwards and killing anyone unlucky enough to be living in the vicinity at the time. Just ask the Americans…if you can find a live one that is.

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NUTRITIONISTS CLAIM FIRM LINK BETWEEN FRACKING AND SAUSAGE ROLL CONSUMPTION

sausage roll

by Danny SoZ aged 19.

A group of nutritional experts from Harvard University in The United States are claiming to have found strong links between the controversial process of extracting shale gas – known as fracking, and the increasing consumption of sausage rolls by both adults and children in the developed nations of the world.

Professor Garfield Pitt, the head of the research team, explained: “There can no longer be any doubt that fracking and the consumption of sausage-based products, in particular, sausage rolls, are inextricably linked. We spoke to over a thousand people who live close to fracking sites and almost 97% of them told us that they had eaten a sausage roll or sandwich at least once in the last 30 years.

“Given the irrefutable link between the consumption of processed meat and cancer, these findings are particularly concerning and our recommendation is that people who live close to a fracking project move house immediately or become vegetarians before it’s too late”.

A spokesman for The British Butchers Association strongly refuted the claims last night: “It’s nonsense to claim that fracking can be linked in any way, shape, or form to the perfectly innocent, and in our view, harmless practice of eating sausages. Admittedly, it probably causes earthquakes, sink holes, widespread disease, pronounced limping and extreme climate change, but sausage-eating? I really don’t think so”

We tried to speak to some people who live close to fracking sites yesterday but they had all been killed by fracking.

Press Association

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Ironic Tweets Slammed After Anti-Fracking Woman Falls Down Manhole

manhole (1)

A manhole similar to the one that this daft bint fell down pictured last night.

The family of a prominent female conservationist who sustained serious injuries after falling down an open manhole this week, have hit out at what they describe as “a tirade of jeering and abuse” from social media trolls, who they claim, have targeted the woman and bombarded her with a number of comments that were extremely heavy with irony.

According to her husband Terry, Mrs Tracy Carter, 49 from Sheffield, Yorkshire, and a staunch opponent of the controversial fracking method of extracting shale gas which will benefit the entire country and bring much needed employment to deprived areas, has been made the subject of a number of abusive tweets on the Twitter social media site over the last few days.

Mr Carter, 54, and himself an avid anti-fracking activist, told us:

“Almost within hours of Tracy falling down the manhole she was subjected to a number of ironic comments on Twitter, and supposedly funny wisecracks on her Facebook page. They consisted of remarks like “If you weren’t so busy making sure our gas bills remained high you’d have spotted that open manhole and stepped around it, you interfering bitch”

One anonymous tweet accused Mrs Carter of being “a paranoid, alfalfa shoot-guzzling nutjob with too much time on her hands” Another stated that they’d have “cheerfully welded the cover down” if they’d been there,while her Facebook page was also targeted by pro-fracking types and was eventually taken down by her husband.

A spokesperson for Sheffield General Hospital, where Mrs Carter is being treated told us last night that she was “still incapable of taking on board irrefutable scientific evidence but stable”

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