Tag Archives: world health organisation

PEOPLE AT GREATER RISK OF CANCER THAN INANIMATE OBJECTS CLAIMS SHOCK REPORT

sideboard

A recently published report from The World Health Organisation claims that human beings are statistically far more likely to die of cancer than lifeless objects such as pencils or lamp shades.

The report also reveals that inanimate objects significantly outlive their human counterparts, despite lack of exercise and not adhering to a healthy eating regime.

Scientists from WHO studied a number of people from different countries and compared their cancer risk to that of objects such as brick walls and pairs of trousers and concluded that, no matter where you came from, you were far more likely to suffer from cancer at some point in your life than a flat screen television.

The report concludes by stating that, although vegetarians don’t live any longer than people who include meat in their diet, and that they certainly won’t outlive a sideboard, they are far more likely to discuss their strict dietary habits at dinner parties and to be particularly unpleasant companions in a lift.

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Filed under Satire

Inchcock!

No not selfies featuring Gaz and Mike but a blog post from an old mate of mine and fellow satirist, Gerald “Inchcock” Chambers. We used to work together on a spoof newspaper back in the day until we were both fired by the editor. I was shown the door for racism and Inchy was binned for running out of Lidl without paying for a tin of mackerel in a spicy tomato sauce.

So without further ado here’s one he penned earlier, the thieving, fish-guzzling fucker:

who

WORLD HEALTH ORGANISATION DISCLOSE DETAILS OF NEWLY-DISCOVERED DISEASES


Named Disease:
 HAJ (Had-a-job) Syndrome
Symptoms: Being made redundant through no fault of your own, suicidal feelings, lack of food, and the disappearance of respect.
Most at Risk: The proletariat, anyone not related to, a banker for, or a friend of a Politician, and the millions of unemployed.
Area’s most affected: UK, USA, Australia, and Turkey.

Named Disease:‘Spooninthegobatbirthness’
Symptoms: A snottiness and uncaring attitude develops that cannot be countered. The bank balance and overseas investment accounts increase exponentially.
Most at Risk: Aristocracy, Royalty, Politicians, Footballers, and the Right Honourable William Hague MP (Conservative) First Secretary of State, Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs.
Area’s most affected: All countries not in the East or Middle East.

Named Disease: A.A.D.(Alcoholic Adiction Dysrhythmia)
Symptoms: Finding you have not got any alcoholic addictions, and the concern and worry you get about being so different to everyone else.
Most at Risk: Those under the age of eight.
Area’s most affected: World wide.

Named Disease: Monetary Cystitis
Symptoms: It is extremely painful, nigh on impossible for you to pass on money owed by you.
Most at Risk: Politicians, Dentists, Lawyers, Bankers, Haliburton, and Taxi Drivers.
Area’s most affected: USA and the UK.

Named Disease: Hope Alopecia
Symptoms: A sudden realisation that all hope is lost, other than for the War Mongers, Politicians, bankers, and Haliburton.
Most at Risk: Everyone not connected with the above.
Area’s most affected: USA, UK, and South Upper Mongolia.

Named Disease: Compassion Deficiency Anemia
Symptoms: You couldn’t give a toss about anyone else.
Most at Risk: Most predominant in Senates, Parliament, and Lawyers offices, although likley to be found anywhere.
Area’s most affected: Virtually throughout the world.

Named Disease: Cacospysy (Irregular pulse)
Symptoms: Panic attacks at Government Budget announcement time.
Most at Risk: The poor.
Area’s most affected: Everywhere.

Named Disease: Early Decrepitude disease
Symptoms: Sudden realisation that the poor are getting poorer, and the Rich are getting richer.
Most at Risk: Those who are poor and getting poorer.
Area’s most affected: USA, UK, Sweden, and Italy.

Named Disease: Obsessive-compulsive Politician hating disorder disease
Symptoms: Spitting, swearing, frustration and extreme poverty
Most at Risk: Anyone not related or business partners to politicians, blackmailers, NHS workers, those made redundant, NHS patients, French citizens and Europhiles .
Area’s most affected: UK, Europe.

In the event that you should feel or find any of the above symptoms coming on, do not consult your Doctor who will be too rich to be bothered to understand your frustrations and problems.
You should consider suicide, alcoholism, hibernation, or becoming a Politician.

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Filed under Politics, Satire