Devoutly written by Gary Hoadley
Religiously edited by Clivey Dee aged 19.
Noah comes home from a hard day on the farm. He enters the kitchen, where he finds his wife cooking a pot of stew…
“You won’t believe what’s happened love” says Noah.
“What’s that then?” answers Mrs Noah
“Well, I was in the barn last night when God came in and…”
“Get on with it then, the stews on the turn love” replies Mrs Noah.
“He only wants me to build an Ark!”
“What’s a park then?”
“No, Maude, an Ark”
“Nark? That’s one of them people that informs on you”
“A fuckin’ Ark! Ark! Ark”
“Three of them? Is he off his swede?” says Mrs Noah.
“Look, it’s a big boat that animals live in Maude”
“Why don’t he want you to build a zoo then?”
“Because a zoo don’t fuckin’ float!”
“Float?…Is it going to rain then?”
“Well, according to God, it’s going to piss down for forty days solid Maude”
“How does he know? He isn’t Michael Fish?”
“Just get my dinner will you Maude…”
For the next six months, Noah worked diligently, building the Ark.
He was on the second coat of varnish, when Mrs Noah approached…
“So this is the Ark then?” said Mrs Noah
“Yeah, what do you think?”
“It’s very big Noah”
“Has to be, Maude. We’ve got all those animals to stall”
“How many animals have you got to get then?”
“Two of each according to God”
“A pair of each? Why is that then?”
“Think about it love”
“Oh, yeah, they got to have someone to talk to”
“Do you do it to get me going Maude?”
“How you going to feed them then Noah?”
“God said he will provide”
“Must have a wholesaler on the books then”
“For fucks sake…” mutters Noah to himself.
The Ark is now finished. Noah and Maude are standing at the entrance supervising the loading of the animals….
“Watch out Maude, those sandy-coloured ones with the manes look a bit dodgy”
“What are they then Noah?”
“How the hell do I know? I’ve only ever seen a camel”
“So what if some of them is dangerous?”
“We give them a clump with the sticks”
“What about that great big enormous pair of things with the long noses”
“How you going to subdue them with that stupid stick?”
“If you don’t give it a rest, I will clump you Maude!”
“Oh very nice, I’m sure God will like that”
“Look, if something bites you, stick a poultice on it”
“What if it’s poisonous Noah?”
“Suck the fuckin’ poison out!”
“Lets hope you don’t get bit lower down then eh Noah?”
With all the animals on board. Noah and his wife wait for the rain.
“The smell! it’s nearly as bad as you when you’ve been on the ale” says Maude
“Hold on love! It’s not my fault they have bad guts”
“Don’t go giving them handfuls of Brussels Sprouts then”
“It’s a snack, does them good”
“Don’t do me good when I’m sliding about in a river of shit!”
“We are doing Gods work Maude”
“No, Noah, I’m doing the work while you read”
“Give it a rest! Who built the bludy thing in the firstplace?”
“Yeah, well it’s pretty obvious you did by the state of it”.
After a fitful night’s sleep on the floor, Noah wakes to the sound of rain.
In part two, the Ark sets sail on a sea of rain