GAME OF THRONES FANS MOSTLY 40 PLUS LOSERS CLAIMS REPORT

 

This one comes courtesy of my friends at Dafty News, who regularly expose their 30,000 readers to my inept and risible output. They still haven’t paid me mind!

A recent survey by The British Viewer’s Association has revealed that almost all Game of Thrones fans are middle-aged male losers

Most fans are aged between 40 and 49 and still live with their parents, who feed them and pay for their Broadband.

Game of Thrones fan, Barry, 43, from Berwick,  said: “I was never married and I don’t have kids. Game of Thrones is my life. I have no friends, I don’t drink and I hate porn.”

Barry is just one of the many Game of Thrones fans who have failed in life, but who feel that in Game of Thrones, they have found a reason to live..

Derek from Oxfordshire,  invited our reporter into his home where the 48-year-old long-term unemployed man’s bedroom resembled that of a substance-abusing teenager’s.

He proudly showed us his Game of Thrones bedspread and matching lampshade and slippers.

He said of his obsession: “I am one of life’s complete and utter failures. I can’t hold down a job, I can’t find a woman and I have no prospects in life whatsoever. This is the reason I like Game of Thrones.”

The statistical sales figures for DVD purchasing and TV show viewing were not available for analysis, but an inside source said of the find: “These statistics are bang on, and, although I am not allowed to say it –  Game of Thrones is perfect viewing for middle-aged no- hoper men who are scared to go to sleep with the light out and have midget fantasies.”

Bear Grylls: My Little Cheese Knife Shame

The career of TV survivalist, Bear Grylls, looked to be at an end last night after secretly filmed footage appeared to show the ex-special forces soldier using a small curved cheese knife to spear small squares of cheddar from a wooden board with “Cheese” engraved into it.

The short film lasting just a few minutes also showed Grylls  sipping a dark liquid from what appeared to be a schooner sherry glass and nibbling on a stick of celery.

A clearly shaken and contrite Grylls appeared outside his home dressed in battle fatigues and with his face plastered in camouflage cream. He stumbled over his words and seemed close to tears at times as he told reporters:

“Yes it’s true that I used a gay little cheese knife to eat a quantity of cheddar; but I had to. My wife had put my Bowie knife in the dishwasher. I feel as if I’ve let all my fellow survivalists down. I’ve already taken a bollocking over the phone from Ray Mears who called me a poof and a big, mincing gaylord. Quite what my old Aussie mate, The Bush Tucker Man, will make of all this I shudder to think.”

Grylls’ shame will come as another hammer blow to the tragic, weekend warrior types who take him seriously, many of whom are already reeling from the news that ex-SAS hero and author, Andy McNab, was spotted collecting a Babyliss Foot Spa from a branch of Argos in Hereford last month.

My thanks to my friends at Dafty News for publishing this one for me. For more of my risible copy and some mighty fine spoof news stories and memes; visit them at: 

http://www.daftynews.com/