Tag Archives: soz satire

Working Out The WordPress Way With WordPress Family Val Hughes

wordpress val

 

Looking for the body beautiful? Has your sedentary blog-obsessed lifestyle taken its toll on your figure and physique? Then The Val Hughes Workout is for you!

Here are a few simple exercises to try at home when you’re stuck in front of your laptop or device feverishly looking for acclaim and validation from abject, like-minded literary failures like yourself.

First, and most importantly, warm up with a few short, duplicitous comments on a blog that appears to have been scrawled across the site by a drunken chimp. After 5 minutes, you’ll be ready to launch into the workout proper.

Remember to stay hydrated at all times as reading and pretending to like a steady stream of amateurish drivel can be pretty exhausting, even for the most seasoned bullshitter.

Exercise 1 – Crawlarse Squats: Bend the knees and squat down until your thighs are parallel with the floor. Hold and tense the buttocks for 5 seconds while telling an inept WordPress ‘poet’ that their vile output reminds you of Lord Byron at his finest. Repeat for 3 sets of 8

Exercise 2 – Fawning on the spot: March on the spot using high knee lifts while sucking up to a beetle-browed moron of a blogger who doesn’t know his arse from his ellipses. 2 sets of 12

Exercise 3 – Bullshit pull-ups: Using a pull-up bar, tell some absolute cunt of a ‘writer’ that you’ve read all his work and that you’d definitely buy his disgusting self-published bilge if it ever comes out. 3 sets of 8

Exercise 4 -Insincere stomach-churning crunches: Adopt a comfortable supine position on a bench or floor and sound as if you’re reaching orgasm as you comment on a particularly hideous piece of prose that’s quite frankly not fit to wipe your cat’s arse with.

Exercise 5 – Speed liking: This is a gruelling little number in which you race down your reader, liking everything you come across without even looking at the title. Try to manage at least 20 likes in 2 minutes and then work up to 100 plus when you become more proficient and even more devoid of a moral compass or sense of shame.

Exercise 6 – Self-Published Tripe Deadlifts: This is the final and most taxing exercise of the regime. Put all your utterly dire and unreadable self-published books – that you’ve tried desperately to flog on Amazon to a depressing assortment of gullible and astonishingly thick followers, into 2 suitcases and lift them by the handles until you are upright. Lower them down again and repeat for 3 sets of 8. A weightlifter’s belt should probably be worn for this physically demanding routine.

Finally, warm down by reading some of the heartening but wildly over the top comments on your own depressingly poor blog, bearing in mind that 90% of these people won’t have read it, and that the remaining 10% are as totally clueless as you are; which render’s their half-assed opinion utterly worthless

Remember The WordPress Family motto everyone: No pain, no delusional gain.

Kind regards from your WordPress Family friend

Val. xoxoxo

EDITOR’S NOTE: For more scurrilous accusations of ineptitude and duplicity, why not visit our sister blog: sozsatire@wordpress.com. You’ll get another basinful in there too I shouldn’t wonder 🙂

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R2-D2’s Remains to be Thrown into Whitechapel Car Crusher

crushed car

Star Wars fans from around the globe are expected to descend on East London next Tuesday after it was revealed that the remains of popular droid, R2-D2, will be thrown in the crusher at a Whitechapel scrap metal yard.

R2, aged 39, passed away peacefully yesterday at his home in a galaxy far, far away, leaving a wife and two pedal bins aged 5 and 8.

Danny Carter, the owner of the scrap yard where the short service and final crushing will be carried out, told us: “We’ll obviously inspect him first to see if he can be put back on the road and sold with false papers. If not, we’ll cut the top off and see if there’s anything worth salvaging: screwdrivers, biros, sunglasses, that sort of thing. After that, we’ll throw him in the crusher. There’s not much of him so it’ll be over pretty quickly hopefully”

Mr Carter went on “He’ll end up as an 8 or 9-centimetre cube once the job’s done. We’ll put his remains up on Ebay and hopefully, make a few quid. I should imagine there’s literally thousands of dozy space cadets out there, willing to part with their readies for a chance to have what’s left of the boy on their sideboard”

One notable absentee from the service will be R2’s old friend, and fellow droid, C3-PO, who told us “I have a business appointment that day, and anyway, I never liked him to be honest. All that beeping and whistling used to get right on my tits”

Danny SoZ

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Advertisers to Electrify Little Xs in Corner of Online Ads

 

electrocuted-man

“Virgin Broadband? I’d like to register a complaint”

.

 

In what is being seen as a controversial move, companies who advertise their goods or services using pop-up ads on web pages, are planning to deliver a high voltage charge to people who attempt to close the box in order to continue looking at what they actually logged on for.

A spokesman for The Online Advertising Board said last night: “We don’t put these infuriating pop-ups onto websites for our own amusement you know. If people are ignorant enough to click on the little X in the corner before reading them, then we feel entirely justified in sending a couple of thousand volts through the fuckers. If they die they die. At the end of the day that’s commerce I’m afraid”

This move comes just a year after Hotmail introduced the controversial, boxing glove on a spring device that smashes subscribers in the face who don’t switch to their latest beta version for a trial period.

Danny SoZ

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LOMM’s Classic Song Lyrics for Intellectuals #872

elton crocodile rock

For this and even more childish humour of a similarly appalling standard, why not visit us at our new home here:

https://thewhelkwordpresscom.wordpress.com

and of course, here:

https://www.facebook.com/SoZsatire/

Thanks chaps and chapperettas! 🙂

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The Jezz Bomb

corbyn with missile

As a lifelong Labour Party supporter and socialist, can I just say that Jeremy Corbyn is an extremist buffoon who has about as much chance of being elected as I have of being voted “WordPress Family Member of The Year”.

We are talking here about a man who wants to build and launch nuclear submarines at astronomic expense to the taxpayer but without any missiles on board. He also believes the way forward with the murderous, Daesh, is to sit down and talk things through over a nice cup of tea and a plate of macaroons.

Can you see where I’m coming from on this one folks? The bloke’s certifiable in my view. It’s Trumpism in a cloth fucking cap!

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The SoZ Satire Mint Proudly Present: The David Bowie Platinum Protein Pill of Hope

pill

 

We at The SoZ Satire Mint are delighted to offer you the chance to own this exquisite protein pill commemorating the passing of music legend, David Bowie, and made to look a bit like the one Major Tom was advised to take in Bowie’s classic hit: ‘Take YourProtein Pill and Put Your Helmet On’

Each pill has been lovingly machine-fashioned by Brazilian orphans in a corrugated iron shed in a Rio shanty town, and is made from authentic pig iron, painted silver to look like platinum.

We guarantee that every penny of your money will go directly to The SoZ Satire Mint and that no percentage of it will be going to a charity of your, nor indeed, anybody else’s choice.

Worth over 27 pence in raw materials alone, we are offering you this unmissable chance to pay homage to one of the great music and style icons of all time for just £3,567.89, payable in manageable installments of £1000 per week for 6 weeks or until we say stop.

To get your Protein Pill of Hope at some vague, unspecified time in the future, send your bank details, debit/credit card + PIN and house keys to:

The SoZ Satire Mint
The Crown and Anchor
22 Shit Street
Bermondsey
London

DISCLAIMER: I’m a vulnerable, gullible halfwit who reacted to Bowie’s passing as if I’d just learned that my granny had been shot in the back. I realise that I will receive absolutely nothing by return of post – not now, nor at any time in the future, and that any complaint from myself or my representative will result in my being attacked in the street by a SoZ Satire strongarm merchant. I have no mob connections and I do not possess a firearm.
signed…

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Starving Syrian Children Snub Bowie Tributes as World Mourns

starving child

by SoZ Satire’s foreign correspondent

As the world struggles to come to terms with the passing of pop legend and style icon, David Bowie, who died yesterday following an 18-month battle with cancer, a small group of children I spoke to yesterday in the besieged Syrian town of Madaya appeared largely unconcerned by the event, and rather shockingly, seemed more interested in finding something to eat.

Madaya, which has been surrounded and shelled on a daily basis by the government troops of Syrian despot leader, President Bashar al-Assad, over the past six months, has a population of 40,000, many of whom are reported to be slowly starving to death but none of whom have expressed a modicum of concern for the tragic death of the millionaire pop icon as far as I’m aware.

Through an interpreter, I spoke to an emaciated child of around 6 years of age, and put it to him that Bowie was a true innovator and that his seminal album ‘Changes’ altered many people’s conceptions of contemporary pop during that era.

The youngster, who claimed not to have eaten anything except grass soup for 4 days, and whose parents were both killed in a government air strike in December, appeared completely unmoved and even lay down in the dust at one point and appeared to fall asleep.

Meanwhile, the West continues to mourn Bowie’s passing; with one man from Birmingham in the United Kingdom spending over ten minutes sorting through his old record collection in the attic looking for a copy of Space Oddity, while a woman in Austin, Texas, painted a lightning bolt across her face and altered her Facebook avatar to one depicting the dead musical legend.

This apparent apathy towards the loss of a major figure in the world of rock and pop comes just two weeks after a young girl of 10, who had been gang raped by militia men in the Islamic State-controlled town of Mosul in Iraq, failed to express an ounce of remorse for the death of Lemmy out of Motorhead when told of his passing by a journalist at her hospital bedside.

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TYSON FURY TO FIGHT DONALD TRUMP FOR WBC (WORLD BIGOTRY CHAMPIONSHIP) CROWN

Calvin Brock v Zuri Lawrence

It was announced earlier today that outspoken world boxing champion, Tyson Fury, will fight controversial Republican presidential hopeful, Donald J. Trump, for the World Bigotry Championship early in the new year.

Both men, notorious for their narrow, right-wing stance on a range of topics, ranging from abortion to gay rights and equality for women, are talking up their chances of taking the undisputed crown.

Talking from his home in Manchester, the self-styled ‘Gypsy King’, Fury told reporters: “Trump has a pretty smart mouth for an old guy and I intend to shut if for him. I respect and totally agree with pretty much all he says, but there’s only room on this planet for one king of the bigots and I aim to make sure it’s me”

Meanwhile, speaking from South Carolina where he’s been making a series of hair-raising comments about Muslims, Trump was equally defiant: “I aim to whup this limey sonofabitch, and after I’ve done that, I’m gonna intern his gypsy ass in a secure facility until we find out what the hell’s going on with these Romany fucks”

Under WBC rules, both men will come into the ring unaccompanied where they will be patted down for concealed weapons. They will then go to their corners and sit on their stools while a number of people from diverse ethnic groups, different faiths, and various sexual persuasions, are paraded in front of them.

The winner will be decided by the three judges at ringside – all Daily Express journalists – and will be based on the amount of hate-filled bile the two protagonists spew forth as each minority group is represented in the ring.

The referee on the night will be outspoken media personality, and former world bigotry crown holder, Katie “Vinegar Tits” Hopkins, with commentary and expert ringside analysis from the doyen of Fleet Street’s right-wing hacks, Richard “You Couldn’t Make It Up” Littlejohn, and former undefeated European Bigot Champion, Nigel “The Darkie Destroyer” Farage.

Tickets go on sale from January 2 and will be available on a first-come, first-served basis, provided you’re a British white Christian or All-American and don’t have a depraved sexual appetite for people of your own gender.

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Stacy’s Vegan Cookbook with Stacy Slaughterhouse-Gore

stacy slaughterhouse

THIS WEEK: Stacy prepares a delicious and ethically-sound, Bully Beef Casserole in a Wild Mushroom and Lamb’s Spleen Gravy.
Stacy-Slaughterhouse-Gore

For this absolutely delicious and warming vegan favourite, I always get the ingredients direct from my local abattoir to ensure that only the freshest and most succulent cuts are used. The manager often allows me to pole axe and butcher my animal of choice which is a real bonus. Here’s how to prepare this wonderful addition to any vegan’s repertoire:

Firstly, deep fry the bully beef and the spleens in prime beef dripping until cooked. Then, put the whole lot in a casserole dish with some Oxo gravy and calf’s blood. Finally, cook on a low heat (around gas mark 3) for 2 hours.

To garnish, put a wild mushroom on the side of the plate, or if you don’t have these, a pork and beef Cumberland sausage will do just as well. Serve with a side dish of beef and onion relish and a grilled halal pork chop.

Enjoy!

NEXT WEEK: Stacy smashes a rabbit over the head with an iron bar before boiling its lungs in a sheep’s gizzard and tarragon sauce.

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SoZ Satire’s Wonderful Worldwide World of Wonder

soz anal bombs

 

You know William Shakespeare? Well, according to a bloke down the pub, he used to deliberately fall over in front of women so that they’d feel sorry for him. Sometimes, he’d even hit himself over the head with a hammer and tell women that he’d been given a clump by a gang of footpads.

According to this bloke down the pub, he used to get off on the sympathy and would regularly blow his custard in his pants as soon as these women started asking him if he was ok.

It’s amazing what you hear down the pub isn’t it? Last night, a geezer told me that all the judges on Strictly Come Dancing have a sex orgy after each show, with Len Goodman the only one who’s interested in shafting that Darcy bint. Dirty fuckers!

NEXT WEEK: SSWWWOW reveals that Prince Charles once farted in The Queen’s face while she was having a bath and then ran away.

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