As someone who has always been interested in crafts; upcycling, crochet etc, I decided to join a small Facebook group a few weeks ago, consisting of a number of other people who share my interests, with a view to exchanging ideas and even buying and selling our work online.
Sadly, a man in the group keeps making inappropriate remarks about my physical appearance and I’m finding it terribly upsetting. I’m also worried that my partner will find out as he’s very short-tempered and I’m scared that he might go round and sort this chap out. The last thing I want is for anyone to get hurt, so please help if you can Danny as I’m at my wits end with worry over this one. Thank you x
I totally understand your desire to avoid any physical violence as a result of this one sweetheart, so I’ve traced the geezer through his IP address and gone round his house. As soon as he opened the door, I straightened him with a peach of a right hook to the jaw. I then dragged him to his feet and went to work downstairs, sickening him with a few big bombs to the solar plexus before putting him back on the deck with a right/left combination to the temple. At this point, his old woman came out and started shouting the odds and telling me to leave him. She was a big, ugly old sort and looked a lot like Desperate Dan so I told her to shut it or I’d serve her up too.
By now, the geezer was coming round so I stamped on his head, giving him the old 5mm tread. This seemed to quieten him down, so I gave him a few toe-enders to the kidneys to liven him up a bit. I could see the boy had had enough by now so I pulled out a Stanley blade and gave him a striping across his neck and chest before putting his lights out once and for all with a right cross to the chin.
Before I left, I told his missus that he was a nonce and a sleazy mug and that if he contacted you again I’d come round and finish what I’d started. I then torched his motor and drove back to the office.
I hope this sets your mind at rest princess. I always maintain that these little problems can be settled amicably with a bit of diplomacy and patience and with the minimum of unpleasantness.
All the very best sweetheart
From your pal
“I know your fucking rights!”
I recently purchased a nice new cardigan for my husband from Marks & Spencer’s. He’s quite elderly and is due to go into hospital shortly for a rather serious operation so I thought I’d give him a little treat. However when he tried it on, it was a bit long in the arms so I took it back to exchange it for a smaller size. The staff weren’t at all helpful and when I asked to speak to the manager he told me the garment had been soiled and refused point blank to help.
I wonder if you could help me with this one Danny as we’re both old age pensioners and can ill afford to lose money like this. Thank you ever so much dear.
I’ve gone round to the shop and given the first geezer I spotted a right-hander which knocked him spark out. I don’t know if it was Mark or Spencer I straightened but he won’t be giving any more old people a load of diabolical old toot for quite some time, stand on me love!.
I’ve then spotted his mate hiding behind the counter so I’ve steamed over and shoed the mug right in the kidneys. He’s gone done like a good un so I’ve pulled him to his feet and clumped him round the swede with a couple of left and right hooks and he’s gone down again like a sack of spuds.
At this point one of the shop girls came over begging me to leave him alone but I’ve told her to leave it out and that it was just between me and him.
Once he was back on the deck again I’ve pulled out me Stanley blade and given him a few stripes across both cheeks to remember me by. At the end of the day Dorothy you can’t let these people ride roughshod over your consumer rights my lovely.
If you get any more grief from these slippery arseoles, or indeed anyone else in the retail trade for that matter, don’t hesitate to get in touch.
All the very best sweetheart
“I Know Your Rights!”
I’m a 75 year old widow living alone in a small 2 bedroom house in Spitalfields, East London. Normally my heating bill is around £30.00 a month as I try to keep the gas fire off as much as possible. Then last week NPower sent me a bill for £97.39, telling me that the wholesale price of gas had risen and that I’d have to get used to paying a bit extra each month.
Please help me if you can Danny as I’m on a state pension and just can’t afford to pay the amount of money they want from me. I’m almost at my wit’s end with worry over this.
Thank you ever so much dear.
I’ve gone round to NPower’s head office a bit earlier and given one or two a good clumping. First up I’ve grabbed the geezer on reception by his tie and smashed his head on the desk a few times. Before I could turn round I got grabbed from behind by a couple of security. I wasn’t going to let a couple of mug straight-goers like that take liberties though and stuck the nut on the biggest one and then kneed the little geezer in the Niagras. They’ve both gone down like sacks of spuds so I’ve pulled me blade out, dragged their strides down and striped em both right across the ‘arris.
Next up I’ve jumped in the lift and gone steaming into the Area Manager’s office and chinned the boy with a peach of a right cross. As soon as he’s hit the deck I’ve stamped on his swede and put the millimetre tread on his dial. After laying the boot into his kidneys a few times I’ve gone through his pockets and had it on me toes with his wallet and credit cards.
Then on the way out I’ve pulled out me bat and given a few milky looking arseoles in the foyer one or two lively ones across the kneecaps for good measure.
All the very best to you Ivy, and if you have any further problems with this one please don’t hesitate to let me know.
For more spleen-rupturing exploits from the people’s consumer rights champ, have a butchers on this blog. http://sozsatire.wordpress.com/ Just don’t pull any strokes or I’ll come round your drum and serve you fucking up!