Monthly Archives: May 2016
There were calls for tighter controls on MP’s behaviour in The House of Commons yesterday as Speaker John Berkow, had to remonstrate with a conservative MP who was masturbating during a debate on the common agricultural policy.
The MP in question, Toby Dankworth-Carter, the member for Whitechapel East, was also picked up on camera, looking red-faced and furtive with his right hand down the front of his trousers.
Mr. Dankworth-Carter, married with 4 children, later defended his actions; telling reporters he was “bored” and wanted to “clear his tubes” before visiting his girlfriend later that evening.
Opposition leader, Jeremy Corbyn, condemned Mr. Dankworth-Carter’s conduct last night, calling it “unparliamentary” and showing “a lack of respect for the democratic process”. He called for Dankworth-Carter’s immediate deselection, stating that, “The Commons debating chamber is not the place to be blowing your custard”
Corbyn, who is currently under fire over perceived anti-Semitic leanings, looked visibly disappointed and stalked away from reporters after he was told that Dankworth-Carter is a Roman Catholic.
This is only the second time that a sitting MP has been involved in a self-abuse incident. The other occasion was in 1783, when, William Pitt The Younger – the then prime minister – was called to order by The Speaker after shooting his bolt over The Mace during an all-night debate on The Poor Laws.
For more tales of parliamentary indiscretions and scalding jizz, why not visit:
It’s a bit like this blog but with a bit more class…ish
In a surprise announcement, Donald Trump, and Hillary Clinton have announced that that are getting married after the American presidential election in November.
The two presidential nominees visited The Whitechapel Whelk’s offices in East London yesterday, just hours after Mr. Trump had virtually secured his place as the presidential candidate for The Republican Party following the retirement of his two main rivals.
Holding hands and appearing blissfully happy, they posed for photographs, kissing and embracing constantly before telling us of their unlikely love.
Mr. Trump told us: “It all started for me just after Hillary’s husband Bill, admitted that Monica Lewinsky had noshed him off under the table in The Oval Office. I felt so sorry for Hillary and called her straight away. We started meeting and over time we fell deeply for each other. Loving her seemed like the most natural thing in the world.”
Hillary smiled and squeezed Trump’s hand as she revealed: “What Donnie says is absolutely true; although I have to say, I didn’t fall for Donald straight away. Basically, I was only sleeping with him to get back at Bill for allowing Monica to suck him off. But over time, my feelings for Donald changed and before I knew it, I’d fallen head over heels. I went out and bought a ring in January and ask him to marry me. I was the happiest woman in the world when he said he yes.
“Now, we don’t really care who gets to be president. Either way, we’re both going to be at The White House. I expect we’ll have our differences about thinks like nuking North Korea or persecuting the wetbacks, but at the end of the day, love conquers all and I know that we’ll be just fine”
This bombshell mirrors the revelation in 1963 that British Prime Minister, Harold Wilson, had secretly married President John F Kennedy in a civil ceremony in Golders Green, North London. They subsequently split after two years together following Kennedy’s constant complaints about Wilson smoking his pipe during sex.
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