THIS WEEK: Stacy prepares a delicious and ethically-sound, Bully Beef Casserole in a Wild Mushroom and Lamb’s Spleen Gravy.
For this absolutely delicious and warming vegan favourite, I always get the ingredients direct from my local abattoir to ensure that only the freshest and most succulent cuts are used. The manager often allows me to pole axe and butcher my animal of choice which is a real bonus. Here’s how to prepare this wonderful addition to any vegan’s repertoire:
Firstly, deep fry the bully beef and the spleens in prime beef dripping until cooked. Then, put the whole lot in a casserole dish with some Oxo gravy and calf’s blood. Finally, cook on a low heat (around gas mark 3) for 2 hours.
To garnish, put a wild mushroom on the side of the plate, or if you don’t have these, a pork and beef Cumberland sausage will do just as well. Serve with a side dish of beef and onion relish and a grilled halal pork chop.
NEXT WEEK: Stacy smashes a rabbit over the head with an iron bar before boiling its lungs in a sheep’s gizzard and tarragon sauce.
You know William Shakespeare? Well, according to a bloke down the pub, he used to deliberately fall over in front of women so that they’d feel sorry for him. Sometimes, he’d even hit himself over the head with a hammer and tell women that he’d been given a clump by a gang of footpads.
According to this bloke down the pub, he used to get off on the sympathy and would regularly blow his custard in his pants as soon as these women started asking him if he was ok.
It’s amazing what you hear down the pub isn’t it? Last night, a geezer told me that all the judges on Strictly Come Dancing have a sex orgy after each show, with Len Goodman the only one who’s interested in shafting that Darcy bint. Dirty fuckers!
NEXT WEEK: SSWWWOW reveals that Prince Charles once farted in The Queen’s face while she was having a bath and then ran away.
Following the recent spate of stabbings in the capital, London’s teenage boys have now been officially listed as a critically-endangered species by The International Union for Conservation of Nature, it emerged last night.
The IUCN have announced emergency plans to protect the youngsters, which will include the appointment of armed game wardens, licenced to shoot to kill any person or persons perceived to be posing a threat to their survival.
Designated, postcode-based conservation areas will also be introduced where the youths will be free to roam with other members of their species without fear of being preyed upon by rival teens from other parts of London.
These fenced-in areas will contain at least one amusement arcade, a skateboard park and an Asian-run convenience store where underage youngsters will be able to buy staples vital to their survival, (such as cigarettes, kitchen knives, and premium strength lager)
A spokesman for the ICUN said last night: “We felt that urgent measures were needed to protect these creatures who were being hunted for their valuable trainers and mobile phones by unscrupulous teens from neighbouring areas. In Tower Hamlets alone, numbers have dwindled alarmingly, whilst in Croydon only two breeding pairs remain in the wild”
The teens will now join other critically-endangered species on the ICUN list which currently includes: the African wild ass, the brown spider monkey, the northern hairy-nosed wombat and the lesser-spotted teenaged Essex virgin.
Facial improvements made by The Artful Dodger
Outspoken columnist and media personality, Katie Hopkins, has launched a scathing attack on the dentist who performed corrective dental surgery on her teeth following her recent accident in which she damaged her two front teeth in a fall.
Hopkins said last night: “Just look at the state I’ve been left in. I look like one of those hideous, disease ravaged wogs you see in the Amazon jungle! This is what happens when we allow foreigners into our country. I’ll be taking this further believe you me!”
Hopkins went on “The woman dentist who did this should be deported without delay. Admittedly she was white but I could tell by her accent she wasn’t from our shores. A bloody Pole or a Romanian in all probability. Scum and cockroaches the lot of them! I knew she didn’t like me when she started smashing at my teeth with a hammer and yanking them out with Mole Grips. I wouldn’t have minded but she didn’t even give me an anesthetic!”
Hopkins then stormed off to The Haymarket Theatre in London’s West End where she is playing The Fuehrer’s Alsatian, Blondie, in a production of Springtime For Hitler
She actually IS still a virgin you know. A geezer down the pub told me. Oh yes.
I only ask because a piece I wrote earlier for a well-known satirical newspaper amassed 3,342 likes, 1,9452 FB shares and over 100 irritating, time-consuming comments in just a few hours. And yet, that same piece has only got a miserly 4 likes, no shares and not one irritating comment in this forum.
Where do you think I’m going wrong my friends? Why do you all hate me so? As Alice Cooper once remarked: “Is it my body?”
No need to explain folks. You see, the awful and the stark truth is this: I really couldn’t give a flying fuck. 😀
Here’s the piece in question:
Don’t forget to ‘like’ and comment now, do ya hear 🙂
Danny Soz. I’m 18 and I like it. (Little bit more Alice for ya there my frendzzz)
PS. They absolutely love me on Pinterest!…ish.
reconstructive dental surgery by The Artful Dodger
There was wild cheering in The House of Commons yesterday as Prime Minister, David Cameron, announced plans to launch a series of RAF strikes on controversial media personality, Katie Hopkins.
Cameron delivered a blistering call to arms as he demanded that Britain put an end to the constant, bigoted bluster from the self-styled ‘uber bitch’ once and for all.
It is believed that the first strikes will be made on Saturday evening when she leaves The Sun newspaper’s offices in Wapping, East London, with further bombing taking place at her home just to be on the safe side.
There was widespread support for the initiative from both sides of the house; with the only note of caution coming from Labour leader, Jeremy Corbyn, who advocated restraint and suggested an equally satisfactory result could be obtained by smashing her teeth out with a hammer.
Clivey Dee, 19.
The recent directive from Transport for London, which calls for people to stand still on both the left and the right side of escalators at London’s underground stations, has been attacked as being unfair to drunks and people with full bladders by a drinker’s pressure group.
People Against Sensible Drinking, hit out last night in a strongly-worded statement: “We see this directive as an infringement of our human rights and another unwarranted attack on those of us who enjoy a good skinful before traveling on public transport. Remaining still with 8 or 9 pints tucked under your belt is simply too much to ask in our view. Surely TFL could allow for a bit of unsteady swaying from side to side, the odd stumble, or hopping from one foot to the other to alleviate bladder discomfort. We at PASB are not prepared to take this lying down. Unless, of course, we’ve had one over the eight and have collapsed in a pool of sick in the station toilets”
TFL said last night: “If escalator-users think this is bad, wait until we make wheelchair users go up and down using the silver, metal bit in the middle.”
Danny SoZ, 19.
British pop icon, Olly Murs, has issued a defiant threat to the so-called, Islamic State, or Daesh, vowing to use his enormous face to obliterate them in their Syrian stronghold of Racca within the next few days.
The plan, which has been approved by an emergency meeting of the United Nations Security Council, is for Murs to run as fast as he can towards the beleaguered city until he reaches the outskirts. He will then be tripped up by an American general, causing him to fall face down – crushing the Daesh army beneath his massive face.
Murs, 12, spoke to reporters last night before being airlifted to the Syrian desert by two British Army Chinook helicopters:
“I’ve used my great big face for a number of humanitarian purposes in the past, including, the stabilising of The Leaning Tower of Pisa, and to provide housing for Britain’s homeless, but this will undoubtedly be my greatest achievement. To think that my gigantic dial will crush the biggest threat to mankind since the rise of Hitler’s Nazis in the 1930s is pretty awesome. I can’t wait to get out into that desert to be honest”.
It is believed that Murs also wanted to perform his latest hit single through a megaphone outside the city gates as a battle cry, but the UN ruled it out on humanitarian grounds.
“It would make us as barbaric as the fiends we’re trying to wipe out,” said UN Secretary Ban Ki-moon last night.
Controversial Labour Party leader, Jeremy Corbyn, was in more hot water last night after a woman from Penge in South East London, made the claim that he climbed onto her roof and deliberately bent her TV aerial while she and her husband were enjoying an afternoon in front of the television.
Mrs Mary Tracy, 50, told reporters: “My husband and I were watching a repeat of Pride And Prejudice on UK Gold when the picture went a bit funny. At about the same time, we heard scuffling noises which sounded like somebody on our roof. We both went out to take a look and spotted Jeremy Corbyn bending our aerial. My husband shouted at him and asked him what he was playing at, but he took no notice and just carried on. He bent one of the antennae almost in half
“When he came down the ladder he looked wild-eyed and his clothing was disheveled. I’m pretty certain he’d been drinking. My husband was going to hit him but I told him to just leave it and that he wasn’t worth it.”
Corbyn, last night strongly denied the incident took place; telling reporters: “I absolutely refute this lady’s allegation. I have never bent anyone’s aerial and have no plans to do so in the future. Anyway, I couldn’t have done it as I was round Ken Livingstone’s house watching the Argentinian general election on his plasma screen.”
If these allegations prove to be true, it will be the second time the left-wing leader has been implicated in a tele communications-based controversy, following his conviction in 2001 for urinating over the Freeview box of a couple in Bow, East London, while they were trying to watch The World Darts Championships on Eurosport.