Tag Archives: Danny Soz

Working Out The WordPress Way With WordPress Family Val Hughes

wordpress val

 

Looking for the body beautiful? Has your sedentary blog-obsessed lifestyle taken its toll on your figure and physique? Then The Val Hughes Workout is for you!

Here are a few simple exercises to try at home when you’re stuck in front of your laptop or device feverishly looking for acclaim and validation from abject, like-minded literary failures like yourself.

First, and most importantly, warm up with a few short, duplicitous comments on a blog that appears to have been scrawled across the site by a drunken chimp. After 5 minutes, you’ll be ready to launch into the workout proper.

Remember to stay hydrated at all times as reading and pretending to like a steady stream of amateurish drivel can be pretty exhausting, even for the most seasoned bullshitter.

Exercise 1 – Crawlarse Squats: Bend the knees and squat down until your thighs are parallel with the floor. Hold and tense the buttocks for 5 seconds while telling an inept WordPress ‘poet’ that their vile output reminds you of Lord Byron at his finest. Repeat for 3 sets of 8

Exercise 2 – Fawning on the spot: March on the spot using high knee lifts while sucking up to a beetle-browed moron of a blogger who doesn’t know his arse from his ellipses. 2 sets of 12

Exercise 3 – Bullshit pull-ups: Using a pull-up bar, tell some absolute cunt of a ‘writer’ that you’ve read all his work and that you’d definitely buy his disgusting self-published bilge if it ever comes out. 3 sets of 8

Exercise 4 -Insincere stomach-churning crunches: Adopt a comfortable supine position on a bench or floor and sound as if you’re reaching orgasm as you comment on a particularly hideous piece of prose that’s quite frankly not fit to wipe your cat’s arse with.

Exercise 5 – Speed liking: This is a gruelling little number in which you race down your reader, liking everything you come across without even looking at the title. Try to manage at least 20 likes in 2 minutes and then work up to 100 plus when you become more proficient and even more devoid of a moral compass or sense of shame.

Exercise 6 – Self-Published Tripe Deadlifts: This is the final and most taxing exercise of the regime. Put all your utterly dire and unreadable self-published books – that you’ve tried desperately to flog on Amazon to a depressing assortment of gullible and astonishingly thick followers, into 2 suitcases and lift them by the handles until you are upright. Lower them down again and repeat for 3 sets of 8. A weightlifter’s belt should probably be worn for this physically demanding routine.

Finally, warm down by reading some of the heartening but wildly over the top comments on your own depressingly poor blog, bearing in mind that 90% of these people won’t have read it, and that the remaining 10% are as totally clueless as you are; which render’s their half-assed opinion utterly worthless

Remember The WordPress Family motto everyone: No pain, no delusional gain.

Kind regards from your WordPress Family friend

Val. xoxoxo

EDITOR’S NOTE: For more scurrilous accusations of ineptitude and duplicity, why not visit our sister blog: sozsatire@wordpress.com. You’ll get another basinful in there too I shouldn’t wonder 🙂

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R2-D2’s Remains to be Thrown into Whitechapel Car Crusher

crushed car

Star Wars fans from around the globe are expected to descend on East London next Tuesday after it was revealed that the remains of popular droid, R2-D2, will be thrown in the crusher at a Whitechapel scrap metal yard.

R2, aged 39, passed away peacefully yesterday at his home in a galaxy far, far away, leaving a wife and two pedal bins aged 5 and 8.

Danny Carter, the owner of the scrap yard where the short service and final crushing will be carried out, told us: “We’ll obviously inspect him first to see if he can be put back on the road and sold with false papers. If not, we’ll cut the top off and see if there’s anything worth salvaging: screwdrivers, biros, sunglasses, that sort of thing. After that, we’ll throw him in the crusher. There’s not much of him so it’ll be over pretty quickly hopefully”

Mr Carter went on “He’ll end up as an 8 or 9-centimetre cube once the job’s done. We’ll put his remains up on Ebay and hopefully, make a few quid. I should imagine there’s literally thousands of dozy space cadets out there, willing to part with their readies for a chance to have what’s left of the boy on their sideboard”

One notable absentee from the service will be R2’s old friend, and fellow droid, C3-PO, who told us “I have a business appointment that day, and anyway, I never liked him to be honest. All that beeping and whistling used to get right on my tits”

Danny SoZ

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Advertisers to Electrify Little Xs in Corner of Online Ads

 

electrocuted-man

“Virgin Broadband? I’d like to register a complaint”

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In what is being seen as a controversial move, companies who advertise their goods or services using pop-up ads on web pages, are planning to deliver a high voltage charge to people who attempt to close the box in order to continue looking at what they actually logged on for.

A spokesman for The Online Advertising Board said last night: “We don’t put these infuriating pop-ups onto websites for our own amusement you know. If people are ignorant enough to click on the little X in the corner before reading them, then we feel entirely justified in sending a couple of thousand volts through the fuckers. If they die they die. At the end of the day that’s commerce I’m afraid”

This move comes just a year after Hotmail introduced the controversial, boxing glove on a spring device that smashes subscribers in the face who don’t switch to their latest beta version for a trial period.

Danny SoZ

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Oprah Stands By “Troubled” Fergie Following Whitechapel Beheading Spree

*May 26 - 00:05*

“Jihadi Ginger” Sarah Ferguson pictured showing her age following her arrest last night

American chat show queen, Oprah Winfrey, last night vowed to stand by her friend, The Duchess of York, Sarah Ferguson, after the troubled ex-royal was tasered and arrested in Whitechapel following a jihadi-inspired rampage during which she beheaded 7 people with a butcher’s knife in and around the street market in Whitechapel Road.

Oprah told The Whelk last night: “I’ve known for some time that Sarah had been radicalised and had embraced the twisted doctrine of Daesh, but I was hoping she’d get fed up with it and go back to writing books for kids about helicopters. It came as quite a shock to learn she’d been on a murderous rampage in Whitechapel, but I don’t think this is the time for recriminations. I think the cops should give her a stern telling-off, after which she could go into a special home for a few weeks; like the one she went to when she was on the sauce”

This latest incident involving a minor royal mirrors the 2011 incident when Prince Edward’s ex- wife, Sophie Countess of Wessex, opened fire on Muslim shoppers with an AK47 in the Shoreditch branch of Boots in a protest at the extradition to The Hague of Serbian warlord Ratko Mladic.

Danny SoZ

 

 

 

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Outcry as Whitechapel MP is Caught Masturbating in Parliament

 

seeing-eye-dog

Mr Dankworth-Carter’s dog pictured outside his home yesterday

 

 

There were calls for tighter controls on MP’s behaviour in The House of Commons yesterday as Speaker John Berkow, had to remonstrate with a conservative MP who was masturbating during a debate on the common agricultural policy.

The MP in question, Toby Dankworth-Carter, the member for Whitechapel East, was also picked up on camera, looking red-faced and furtive with his right hand down the front of his trousers.

Mr. Dankworth-Carter, married with 4 children, later defended his actions; telling reporters he was “bored” and wanted to “clear his tubes” before visiting his girlfriend later that evening.

Opposition leader, Jeremy Corbyn, condemned Mr. Dankworth-Carter’s conduct last night, calling it “unparliamentary” and showing “a lack of respect for the democratic process”. He called for Dankworth-Carter’s immediate deselection, stating that, “The Commons debating chamber is not the place to be blowing your custard”

Corbyn, who is currently under fire over perceived anti-Semitic leanings, looked visibly disappointed and stalked away from reporters after he was told that Dankworth-Carter is a Roman Catholic.

This is only the second time that a sitting MP has been involved in a self-abuse incident. The other occasion was in 1783, when, William Pitt The Younger – the then prime minister – was called to order by The Speaker after shooting his bolt over The Mace during an all-night debate on The Poor Laws.

For more tales of parliamentary indiscretions and scalding jizz, why not visit:

https://thewhelkwordpresscom.wordpress.com/

It’s a bit like this blog but with a bit more class…ish

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The Jezz Bomb

corbyn with missile

As a lifelong Labour Party supporter and socialist, can I just say that Jeremy Corbyn is an extremist buffoon who has about as much chance of being elected as I have of being voted “WordPress Family Member of The Year”.

We are talking here about a man who wants to build and launch nuclear submarines at astronomic expense to the taxpayer but without any missiles on board. He also believes the way forward with the murderous, Daesh, is to sit down and talk things through over a nice cup of tea and a plate of macaroons.

Can you see where I’m coming from on this one folks? The bloke’s certifiable in my view. It’s Trumpism in a cloth fucking cap!

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The SoZ Satire Mint Proudly Present: The David Bowie Platinum Protein Pill of Hope

pill

 

We at The SoZ Satire Mint are delighted to offer you the chance to own this exquisite protein pill commemorating the passing of music legend, David Bowie, and made to look a bit like the one Major Tom was advised to take in Bowie’s classic hit: ‘Take YourProtein Pill and Put Your Helmet On’

Each pill has been lovingly machine-fashioned by Brazilian orphans in a corrugated iron shed in a Rio shanty town, and is made from authentic pig iron, painted silver to look like platinum.

We guarantee that every penny of your money will go directly to The SoZ Satire Mint and that no percentage of it will be going to a charity of your, nor indeed, anybody else’s choice.

Worth over 27 pence in raw materials alone, we are offering you this unmissable chance to pay homage to one of the great music and style icons of all time for just £3,567.89, payable in manageable installments of £1000 per week for 6 weeks or until we say stop.

To get your Protein Pill of Hope at some vague, unspecified time in the future, send your bank details, debit/credit card + PIN and house keys to:

The SoZ Satire Mint
The Crown and Anchor
22 Shit Street
Bermondsey
London

DISCLAIMER: I’m a vulnerable, gullible halfwit who reacted to Bowie’s passing as if I’d just learned that my granny had been shot in the back. I realise that I will receive absolutely nothing by return of post – not now, nor at any time in the future, and that any complaint from myself or my representative will result in my being attacked in the street by a SoZ Satire strongarm merchant. I have no mob connections and I do not possess a firearm.
signed…

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Starving Syrian Children Snub Bowie Tributes as World Mourns

starving child

by SoZ Satire’s foreign correspondent

As the world struggles to come to terms with the passing of pop legend and style icon, David Bowie, who died yesterday following an 18-month battle with cancer, a small group of children I spoke to yesterday in the besieged Syrian town of Madaya appeared largely unconcerned by the event, and rather shockingly, seemed more interested in finding something to eat.

Madaya, which has been surrounded and shelled on a daily basis by the government troops of Syrian despot leader, President Bashar al-Assad, over the past six months, has a population of 40,000, many of whom are reported to be slowly starving to death but none of whom have expressed a modicum of concern for the tragic death of the millionaire pop icon as far as I’m aware.

Through an interpreter, I spoke to an emaciated child of around 6 years of age, and put it to him that Bowie was a true innovator and that his seminal album ‘Changes’ altered many people’s conceptions of contemporary pop during that era.

The youngster, who claimed not to have eaten anything except grass soup for 4 days, and whose parents were both killed in a government air strike in December, appeared completely unmoved and even lay down in the dust at one point and appeared to fall asleep.

Meanwhile, the West continues to mourn Bowie’s passing; with one man from Birmingham in the United Kingdom spending over ten minutes sorting through his old record collection in the attic looking for a copy of Space Oddity, while a woman in Austin, Texas, painted a lightning bolt across her face and altered her Facebook avatar to one depicting the dead musical legend.

This apparent apathy towards the loss of a major figure in the world of rock and pop comes just two weeks after a young girl of 10, who had been gang raped by militia men in the Islamic State-controlled town of Mosul in Iraq, failed to express an ounce of remorse for the death of Lemmy out of Motorhead when told of his passing by a journalist at her hospital bedside.

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Hopkins Hits Out at ‘Immigrant’ Dentist

katie hopkins meme

Facial improvements made by The Artful Dodger

 

Outspoken columnist and media personality, Katie Hopkins, has launched a scathing attack on the dentist who performed corrective dental surgery on her teeth following her recent accident in which she damaged her two front teeth in a fall.

Hopkins said last night: “Just look at the state I’ve been left in. I look like one of those hideous, disease ravaged wogs you see in the Amazon jungle! This is what happens when we allow foreigners into our country. I’ll be taking this further believe you me!”

Hopkins went on “The woman dentist who did this should be deported without delay. Admittedly she was white but I could tell by her accent she wasn’t from our shores. A bloody Pole or a Romanian in all probability. Scum and cockroaches the lot of them! I knew she didn’t like me when she started smashing at my teeth with a hammer and yanking them out with Mole Grips. I wouldn’t have minded but she didn’t even give me an anesthetic!”

Hopkins then stormed off to The Haymarket Theatre in London’s West End where she is playing The Fuehrer’s Alsatian, Blondie, in a production of Springtime For Hitler

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Classic Pop Song Lyrics for Intellectuals

madonna-like-a-virgin

She actually IS still a virgin you know. A geezer down the pub told me. Oh yes.

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