Monthly Archives: April 2014

Letters To LOMM: Double Bill Spectacular!

josef

 

Dear League Of Mental Men

I woke up in hospital the other day and found that I couldn’t feel my legs so immediately called for a doctor.

How we both laughed when he told me that they’d earlier removed both my arms.

Jimmy Wildebeest

Chelsea

*******************************************************

josef

 

Dear League Of Mental Men

While on a recent holiday in Egypt, my wife and I decided to explore part of the Sahara Desert so we popped into a local tourist office to purchase a map.

Imagine my fury when I was asked for £5.00 and then handed  a sheet of sandpaper.

Justin Hymen

Barbados

Clivey.

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Letters To LOMM

josef

 

Dear League Of Mental Men

Give your pet hamster the experience of being on a fortnight’s break in Ibiza by shining a torch in its eyes and blasting it with a hot hairdryer. Then at 4.00am each morning turn on some loud music and empty a fire extinguisher into its cage to simulate a fun-packed foam party.

For added authenticity wait until the fortnight is almost up before giving it a good hiding and injecting it with a sexually transmitted disease.

Gus Liverdisease

Finland

Clivey

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LOMM’s Heavily Edited Classic Horror Movies #328: The Exorcist.

before

Before.

 

“My Regan just doesn’t seem herself lately, what with all that projectile vomiting and head rotating etc. I’d better call in a young and troubled Jesuit priest to see what can be done”

“YoU KnOw Me PrIEsT! I aM ThE FaLLeN AnGeL! LiCk My C**t aNd CoMe JOiN Me iN EtErNaL ToRmEnT!”

“I cast you out evil one! You’re vileness shall not prevail! Enter my body I order thee in the name of Our Lord Jesus Christ!… AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! *Thud*

“Regan darling you’re back from the domain of The Accursed One! Come on honey, lets go walk in the sweet sunlight. We can grab a soda from the store on the corner on the way home”

The End

after

After.

Clivey.

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Letters To LOMM

hindu god

Dear League Of Mental Men

They say that many hands makes light work but I’m the Hindu god, Vishnu, and despite having eight arms, and therefore quite a few hands, have been unable to repair my bedside lamp no matter how hard I try.

Where’s the accuracy or fairness in that then?

Yours etc

Vishnu Hardcastle

Shoreditch

Clivey

 

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Australian Police Launch Nationwide Hunt For Man Suspected Of Initiating Foreplay With Girlfriend

aussie

“Brace yerself Sheila, I’m coming in mate!”

 

Australian police were on full alert last night as news broke that a 35 year old Sidney man may have attempted to stimulate his girlfriend sexually prior to intercourse. The 33 year old woman concerned is believed to be in a shocked and distressed condition and was being cared for by relatives last night.

A spokesman for the Sidney Police Department spoke briefly to reporters last night. “A 33 year old female has reported to us that a male Sidney resident attempted to commit an unselfish sexual act with her prior to consensual sex taking place. We are taking this matter extremely seriously and we urge women in the area to be extra vigilant and to alert police immediately if approached by this man. We also appeal to other women to come forward if they have ever experienced wonderfully pleasurable or deeply satisfying sex at the hands of this individual”

The man is described as being 6′ 2″ in height, of medium build with dark wavy hair and blue eyes. Police suspect he may be carrying a bunch of flowers and be displaying, what they describe as, “a friendly, affectionate and caring disposition”

A forensic team entered the man’s apartment late last night and emerged carrying a number of items which reportedly included a collection of romantic poems, a box of heart-shaped chocolates and a number of books on the female orgasm.

This latest news will shock the entire nation, still struggling to come to terms with the case of the  Melbourne man who was caged for 12 years last month for taking his socks off prior to making love to his fiancée during a romantic, two week break in Bali.

Clivey.

For more deeply unfunny material of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire I mean to say, strewth, fair go mate!

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Letters To LOMM

josef

 

Dear League Of Mental Men

I’m not a bigoted man but I’d strongly advise the president of The United States to change the name of his country retreat, Camp David, to something a bit more manly.

How on earth does he expect despotic world leaders to mend their ways when he invites them for talks at a place with such a gay name?

I suggest he calls it Butch Brad, Assertive Al or No-Nonsense Mr Knuckles or something along those lines.

Yours etc

Big Bill Pantypads

San Francisco

CD

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Letters To LOMM

josef

 

Dear League Of Mental Men

Here’s some sage advice for any of your readers who are caring for an elderly parent or relative.

Before mealtimes give them a set of novelty clockwork teeth. They can then use these to pre-chew their food before actually putting it into their mouths.

Anne Fuck

Walton-On-The-Naze

CD

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Marvin Milf And His Unintentional Filth

snooker

Just look at those balls!

 

As a gentleman of independent means I’m fortunate enough to own a full size snooker table and it’s often my wont to play a frame or two after supper on most evenings.

Last Friday I was indulging in my favourite pastime when my cleaning lady, Madge, entered with some rather toothsome homemade bread rolls along with a cup of black coffee and a cannister of finest devon cream whitener.

By way of gratitude I asked her if she’d care to join me for a frame or two and she readily agreed.

Unfortunately her initial break off shot left the red balls scattered around the table. On top of this the white ball had finished tucked up against the side cushion which resulted in my having to hold the cue rather awkwardly in order to play my next shot. However I managed to make the pot and was about to play my next shot when I noticed that the tip of my cue had become scuffed and partially dislodged. I asked Madge if she would mind fitting a new one while I ate the refreshments she had so kindly brought in. She was good enough to agree to my request and began to remove it while I sat down to eat.

I must confess that the rolls were so delicious I rather made a pig of myself and wolfed them down hungrily. I then turned my attention to the coffee and made to squirt the cream into the cup. Unfortunately I had the cannister pointing in the wrong direction and accidentally directed some onto a pair of door fixtures that Madge had been polishing for me earlier.

Yes it will be quite some time before I ever forget the day when… My cleaning woman spread them wide on the table and confronted me with an almost impossible position. I had to grip my long implement midway down the shaft before driving one firmly into the hole. I then asked her to get to grips with my reddened tip and she got to work on it straight away. I then began gnawing hungrily on her delicious brown baps before shooting huge gobs of white creamy mess all over her lovely shiny knockers.

Next Week: We take up soccer and I dribble skilfully around the edge of her box before driving a long one right between her uprights.

CD

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Stalag Blues: A Ripping Yarn Of British WWII Incompetence by Wing Commander Gary Hoadley (retd hurt)

.stalag
British POWs seen relaxing after a gruelling session of tea drinking and hearty banter.
Stalag Luft 20 1945. A number of captured British airmen are deep in conversation.

“Look Bottom, there have been seven attempts at escape and all have failed”.
“I know Sir, but there were certain extenuating circumstances”.
“Such as?”
“They got caught Sir”.

Wing Commander Lampton paced the hut floor, as officer commanding, it 
Was his job to ensure every man did his duty by escaping from the Germans.
His number two, Captain Bottom DSO had been appointed escape coordinator.

“The thing is Sir, we suspect there is an informant”. said Bottom.
“A Hun nose poker inner?” replied Lampton.
“The very same Sir They seem to know our every move”.
“Who do we suspect?”
“It’s definitely the Germans Sir”.
“No, I mean the nosey parker”.
“Oh, I think it may be Gunner Fritz”.
“Why?”
“Just an notion Sir”.

In hut 55 Lieutenant Hinge is discussing tunnels.

“So, we have a tunnel under the bathhouse”.
“Yes”
“A tunnel under the washhouse”.
“Yes”
“And the third tunnel is?”
“Under the shi…”
“I get the picture Adams”
“Sir”.

Meanwhile, over in the camp commanders office….

“Oberst Ruben! We have found another tunnel”.
“Oye!, I should end up running a POW camp?”
“It is under the chapel”.
“Are you sure it is not mice?”
“No mien Oberst, it is the Englanders”.
“You SS are so suspicious”.
“Were you born in Germany Oberst?”
“Yes”
“Which part?”
“…All of me…”.

Tunnel “Noddy” was being constructed from hut 79 to the north wall.

“Gad I hate being down these tunnels” Stated Airman Rogers.
“Me too, plays havoc with my nails” Replied Gunner Jenkins.
“The heat, the dirt…”
“The chaffing”.
“Quite, and the lack of sun and air makes a man…”.
“Want to wash his hair”.
“I say Jenkins, are you a tad light footed?”
“Well, I did audition for the Mrs Fountain dance Troupe”.
“I thought as much, would you like to go in front?”
“Saucy”.

Wing Commander Lampton calls for an escape committee meeting.

“Now then cheps, I’m going to hand you over to Bumper Burtles for a 
Run down of what has and is happening with regard to our escape”.
“Thanks awfully Sir, right…Duncan and Smidgen got caught awf the 
boundary for a duck, and ended up with a short wicket. 
Patterson, Simons and Edgley coped a Yorker at mid awf.
Cleverly and Porter were goose over stump for a six and are now in clink.
Rogers is bedding with Jenkins in Neddy, and should be ready by tea time.
Hut 57 is pushing for a touch down porter side, while myself and Timms
have been smudging Jerry passes for the leaving party next week”.
“Thank you, Bumper, any questions men?”
“Has anyone actually escaped Sir?”
“Bumper?”
“Let me check my file Sir… Erm…No”.
“There you are Cromer, not one escape”.
“Thank you Sir”.
“Anyone else?”
“Are we completely wasting our time Sir?”
“Absolutely Fredrick’s, but don’t tell the Harry Hun”.

GH (Skilfully, albeit heartlessly, edited by Clivey Dee)

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Jane Austin-Morris: No Nonsense 19th Century Relationship Counsellor

jane austin-morris

Dear Miss Austin-Morris

Pray allow me to introduce myself and to beg your counsel in a matter of the heart which I have found greatly troubling of late.

I am a gentleman of four and thirty years, high born and with a considerable fortune. I live in an extremely agreeable, some would say sumptuous, manner in a large, well appointed house in Hertfordshire.

However, despite all these trappings of wealth I find myself miserable in the extreme. For you see madam, my heart no longer belongs to me. I have given it most wholeheartedly to a young woman who despises me and who shuns my presence at every turn.

She is one of five sisters, daughters to a local businessman, a thoroughly respectable family of moderate means for whom I have the utmost affection and respect.

Elizabeth, for that is indeed the name of my dear one, is the eldest sister, a beautiful creature of somewhat haughty bearing who spurns my society at every turn despite my most ardent entreaties.

I have endeavoured to curry her admiration by assisting her whenever possible in her times of greatest need. I have even aided her youngest sister, a flighty and foolish little thing, by exposing her faithless new husband as a carousing blackguard, a feckless adventurer who will surely lead the poor creature to ruin.

My own family’s equilibrium has also been greatly disturbed due to my unfettered, and quite hopeless regard for this lady. I have attracted the displeasure of my aunt, a wizened and taciturn harridan, and her daughter, a most disagreeable and unsightly creature, who baulk greatly against my attempts to pay my suit to my beloved one.

Despite all my efforts however, she remains cool of mien and is unmoved by my most earnest entreaties to become my wife. I therefore beg of you madame to offer me your most sought after advice and bring me succour in this most distressing matter.

For I fear you see that if I do not make her mine I shall lose all hope and seek some kind of inner peace by joining my father’s regiment, and will embark to foreign shores to fight, and if necessary die, for my King and country.

Without her you see madame, death holds no dominion over me and if I am to be slain in battle, then let it be known that her precious name will be the last words on my lips.

I Am Madame Your Most Humble Servant

Mr Darcy

Lakeview Towers

Hertfordshire

**********************************************

 My Dear Mr Darcy

Have you tried swimming across a lake fully-clothed before advancing towards this lady with your nob hanging out?

Your Servant Sir

Jane Austin-Morris (Miss)

CD

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