Tag Archives: satire

10 Facts About Blogging, With WordPress Family Val Hughes

wordpress val

 

Hi there. I’m Val, and just like you, I believe myself to be a much-admired and deeply respected member of our beloved WordPress Family, and just like you, I’m totally convinced that my fellow family members are all waiting with baited breath for my latest, fascinating piece. However, I couldn’t be more wrong, and nor could you, as this handy little 10 point guide to a few salient facts about blogging will illustrate:

1 – Nobody has ever written anything of real merit on WordPress…ever!  You just think you have.

2 – People who eulogise about your copy are bullshit artists who are just returning the favour. In point of fact, they are as painfully inept as you are, so their gushing opinions and wild plaudits are worthless anyway

3 – WordPress was invented in 1888 by Sir Garfield Hoadley’s nan, Minnie, the year when the murderous, Jack The Ripper, was stalking the fog-enshrouded streets of Whitechapel, plying his grisly trade. Some say that Jack’s crimes were by far the  less heinous of those perpetrated by the two protagonists.

4 – Minnie Hoadley is still alive today and has a bungalow in East London. Last year she gave birth to 15 children in one afternoon; a feat which saw her dubbed: ‘The Bunny of Bethnal Green’ by the tabloid press.

5 – It’s a well-established fact that the fewer followers you have on WordPress the better your posts tend to be. That makes The Satire Scrapyard, The Whitechapel Whelk, SoZ Satire, and The League of Mental Men the greatest blogs of all times.

6 – Nobody’s remotely interested in your vile, self-published book, so don’t keep on about it, there’s a good person.

7 – If you say WordPress backwards 3 times while simultaneously swinging round the pub sign outside The Boleyn Arms in Upton Park you will conjure up The Dark Angel from his shadowy lair. You will also make yourself be sick down your clothes.

8 – WordPress actually means “Arse” in Latin. The Emporer Caligula once famously exclaimed: “Look at the WordPress on that!” as a Thracian slave girl bent over in the street to pick up a five talon note.

9 – In 1780, the poet and essayist, Dr Samuel Johnson, said of WordPress: “When a man is tired of WordPress he has had a great result and should now go and do something more interesting; like watching box sets of The X-Factor, playing Pokemon Go, or making a replica of The European Court of Human Rights out of toenail clippings”

10 – 99% of people who come across your laughable, pretentious output while hurtling down their WordPress reader to ‘get it over with’, don’t actually throw up their hands in rapturous glee and think: “Oh goody!”, as you might believe. In actual fact they sigh inwardly, lose a little more of their will to live, and think: “Oh no, not that cunt again!”

Next Week: I will tell you how simple it is to amass over 1000 followers in an afternoon by visiting countless disgusting blogs you have absolutely no interest in and typing “Wonderful!” in the box provided…unless, of course, the blogger concerned is whining about the death of their mum, a recent cancer diagnosis or similar. In this instance, it’s probably best to give it a day or two

Kind regards from your favourite WordPress Family friend…ish

Val xoxoxoxo

 

 

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Working Out The WordPress Way With WordPress Family Val Hughes

wordpress val

 

Looking for the body beautiful? Has your sedentary blog-obsessed lifestyle taken its toll on your figure and physique? Then The Val Hughes Workout is for you!

Here are a few simple exercises to try at home when you’re stuck in front of your laptop or device feverishly looking for acclaim and validation from abject, like-minded literary failures like yourself.

First, and most importantly, warm up with a few short, duplicitous comments on a blog that appears to have been scrawled across the site by a drunken chimp. After 5 minutes, you’ll be ready to launch into the workout proper.

Remember to stay hydrated at all times as reading and pretending to like a steady stream of amateurish drivel can be pretty exhausting, even for the most seasoned bullshitter.

Exercise 1 – Crawlarse Squats: Bend the knees and squat down until your thighs are parallel with the floor. Hold and tense the buttocks for 5 seconds while telling an inept WordPress ‘poet’ that their vile output reminds you of Lord Byron at his finest. Repeat for 3 sets of 8

Exercise 2 – Fawning on the spot: March on the spot using high knee lifts while sucking up to a beetle-browed moron of a blogger who doesn’t know his arse from his ellipses. 2 sets of 12

Exercise 3 – Bullshit pull-ups: Using a pull-up bar, tell some absolute cunt of a ‘writer’ that you’ve read all his work and that you’d definitely buy his disgusting self-published bilge if it ever comes out. 3 sets of 8

Exercise 4 -Insincere stomach-churning crunches: Adopt a comfortable supine position on a bench or floor and sound as if you’re reaching orgasm as you comment on a particularly hideous piece of prose that’s quite frankly not fit to wipe your cat’s arse with.

Exercise 5 – Speed liking: This is a gruelling little number in which you race down your reader, liking everything you come across without even looking at the title. Try to manage at least 20 likes in 2 minutes and then work up to 100 plus when you become more proficient and even more devoid of a moral compass or sense of shame.

Exercise 6 – Self-Published Tripe Deadlifts: This is the final and most taxing exercise of the regime. Put all your utterly dire and unreadable self-published books – that you’ve tried desperately to flog on Amazon to a depressing assortment of gullible and astonishingly thick followers, into 2 suitcases and lift them by the handles until you are upright. Lower them down again and repeat for 3 sets of 8. A weightlifter’s belt should probably be worn for this physically demanding routine.

Finally, warm down by reading some of the heartening but wildly over the top comments on your own depressingly poor blog, bearing in mind that 90% of these people won’t have read it, and that the remaining 10% are as totally clueless as you are; which render’s their half-assed opinion utterly worthless

Remember The WordPress Family motto everyone: No pain, no delusional gain.

Kind regards from your WordPress Family friend

Val. xoxoxo

EDITOR’S NOTE: For more scurrilous accusations of ineptitude and duplicity, why not visit our sister blog: sozsatire@wordpress.com. You’ll get another basinful in there too I shouldn’t wonder 🙂

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R2-D2’s Remains to be Thrown into Whitechapel Car Crusher

crushed car

Star Wars fans from around the globe are expected to descend on East London next Tuesday after it was revealed that the remains of popular droid, R2-D2, will be thrown in the crusher at a Whitechapel scrap metal yard.

R2, aged 39, passed away peacefully yesterday at his home in a galaxy far, far away, leaving a wife and two pedal bins aged 5 and 8.

Danny Carter, the owner of the scrap yard where the short service and final crushing will be carried out, told us: “We’ll obviously inspect him first to see if he can be put back on the road and sold with false papers. If not, we’ll cut the top off and see if there’s anything worth salvaging: screwdrivers, biros, sunglasses, that sort of thing. After that, we’ll throw him in the crusher. There’s not much of him so it’ll be over pretty quickly hopefully”

Mr Carter went on “He’ll end up as an 8 or 9-centimetre cube once the job’s done. We’ll put his remains up on Ebay and hopefully, make a few quid. I should imagine there’s literally thousands of dozy space cadets out there, willing to part with their readies for a chance to have what’s left of the boy on their sideboard”

One notable absentee from the service will be R2’s old friend, and fellow droid, C3-PO, who told us “I have a business appointment that day, and anyway, I never liked him to be honest. All that beeping and whistling used to get right on my tits”

Danny SoZ

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Advertisers to Electrify Little Xs in Corner of Online Ads

 

electrocuted-man

“Virgin Broadband? I’d like to register a complaint”

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In what is being seen as a controversial move, companies who advertise their goods or services using pop-up ads on web pages, are planning to deliver a high voltage charge to people who attempt to close the box in order to continue looking at what they actually logged on for.

A spokesman for The Online Advertising Board said last night: “We don’t put these infuriating pop-ups onto websites for our own amusement you know. If people are ignorant enough to click on the little X in the corner before reading them, then we feel entirely justified in sending a couple of thousand volts through the fuckers. If they die they die. At the end of the day that’s commerce I’m afraid”

This move comes just a year after Hotmail introduced the controversial, boxing glove on a spring device that smashes subscribers in the face who don’t switch to their latest beta version for a trial period.

Danny SoZ

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Bernie Eccleston Offers Kidnappers Extra 2 Million to Hold On To Mother-In-Law

Bernie Ecclestone

“I wouldn’t say my mother-in-law was ugly, but…”

Formula 1 supremo, Bernie Eccleston, has offered the kidnappers who snatched his mother-in-law yesterday an extra two million pounds on top of the 28 million they have demanded for her release.
 
Eccleston told reporters last night:  “I realise that it’s a lot of money, but it’s a price well worth paying to finally get shot of the old boot.”
 
Before going back inside his sumptuous Monte Carlo home, Ecclestone joked “My mother-in-law is so fat that when she was at school she sat next to everybody”
 
Bernie Ecclestone is editor-in-chief of Dwarfism and Idiotic Hair Monthly

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Syrian Doctor Bemoans “Terrible Year for Dead Celebrities”

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A rescuer gives succour to a wounded youngster in Aleppo yesterday afternoon

 

A doctor at a hospital in the beleaguered town of Aleppo in Syria spoke of his grief last night as he struggled to come to terms with the death of music legend,  Prince, who passed away at his home yesterday, aged 57.

Cradling the broken body of a 3-year-old girl, killed just hours earlier in a government forces airstrike, Dr Ahmood Analfisi, 22, broke down repeatedly as he spoke of the latest addition to the steady procession of celebrities that have died since the beginning of the year.

“It was bad enough when Lemmy out of Motorhead was so cruelly taken from us” he said, blinking back tears. “Then it was that bloke out of The Eagles, followed by David Bowie, and, perhaps, most devastating of all; Grizzly Adams! How I’m going to break the news that Prince has now been taken from us to the kids in the intensive care unit I just do not know. We lost 20 yesterday after a heavy bombardment from Daesh forces on a local school, with another 60 or so badly wounded. In view of the tragic news about Prince, maybe those kids who didn’t make it were the lucky ones”

In other news, an estimated 400 migrants fleeing Afghanistan were drowned in The Aegean Sea. This comes just 4 months after Justin Bieber told distraught fans that he had a bit of a cold coming on.

The League of Mental Men is now defunct. Join the remnants of us here for more upbeat fun and frolics:

https://thewhelkwordpresscom.wordpress.com/

 

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The SoZ Satire Mint Proudly Present: The David Bowie Platinum Protein Pill of Hope

pill

 

We at The SoZ Satire Mint are delighted to offer you the chance to own this exquisite protein pill commemorating the passing of music legend, David Bowie, and made to look a bit like the one Major Tom was advised to take in Bowie’s classic hit: ‘Take YourProtein Pill and Put Your Helmet On’

Each pill has been lovingly machine-fashioned by Brazilian orphans in a corrugated iron shed in a Rio shanty town, and is made from authentic pig iron, painted silver to look like platinum.

We guarantee that every penny of your money will go directly to The SoZ Satire Mint and that no percentage of it will be going to a charity of your, nor indeed, anybody else’s choice.

Worth over 27 pence in raw materials alone, we are offering you this unmissable chance to pay homage to one of the great music and style icons of all time for just £3,567.89, payable in manageable installments of £1000 per week for 6 weeks or until we say stop.

To get your Protein Pill of Hope at some vague, unspecified time in the future, send your bank details, debit/credit card + PIN and house keys to:

The SoZ Satire Mint
The Crown and Anchor
22 Shit Street
Bermondsey
London

DISCLAIMER: I’m a vulnerable, gullible halfwit who reacted to Bowie’s passing as if I’d just learned that my granny had been shot in the back. I realise that I will receive absolutely nothing by return of post – not now, nor at any time in the future, and that any complaint from myself or my representative will result in my being attacked in the street by a SoZ Satire strongarm merchant. I have no mob connections and I do not possess a firearm.
signed…

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ALLAHU AKBAR?

jihadi john2

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by | November 14, 2015 · 8:50 am

FROM BOWL TO BOWEL: FACEBOOK WOMAN SNAPS DINNER AS IT PASSES ALONG DIGESTIVE TRACT

food on a plate

A 30-year-old London woman, last night took the current fad of photographing and posting plates of food on Facebook to new levels, by first taking pictures of her dinner before consumption, and then – having eaten the meal – by swallowing an endoscopic camera to record its passage down her gullet and its subsequent journey along her alimentary canal, ending with a climactic shot of the ensuing faecal matter lying under the water in the toilet bowl just prior to flushing.

Harriet Murdoch, a healthcare worker from Shoreditch, East London, said last night:

“I’ve been habitually posting pictures of my meals on Facebook for a number of years now and just decided to go that extra mile. I’ve put the pictures in a separate folder, entitled: From Plate To Plop. I just know that everybody on my friends list will be thrilled when they see it on their timelines in the morning.

We spoke to one of Ms Murdoch’s Facebook friends last night, who told us: “She’s done what?… The silly bitch! I mean how gross is that? Eeeeeeeeew!”

turd

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FURORE AS LONDON TURNS DOWN CHANCE TO WATCH DRUG USERS ON PUSHBIKES

tour de france

A number of competitors on last years Tour De France pictured suffering from acute withdrawal symptoms

There was a degree of consternation amongst British sports lovers yesterday following the decision by Transport For London to pull out of hosting the start of The Tour De France cycling event in the capital.

TFL blamed the cost of hosting the event and also pointed to the extra strain on cleaning staff,  who would be burdened with the task of scraping up the remains of competitors who had been knocked down and killed by lorries and buses turning left.

Some ordinary Londoners and members of the business community we spoke to were dismayed by the last-minute decision to host the event; which has often been blighted by revelations that most, if not all, of the competitors, are using performance- enhancing drugs.

Toby Carter, a chemist from Paddington said. “It’s a tremendous blow to my business. The last time the tour was staged here I made an absolute pile just from the sale of syringes and needles alone”

Del Tracy, a cycling enthusiast from Bow in East London, was also upset at the decision. “I was really looking forward to throwing bottles of piss at the French riders and so was my wife” he told us.

Not everyone was downbeat, however. Nigel Farage, the leader of the far-right United Kingdom Independence Party appeared jubilant when he spoke to reporters: “This is a common-sense, pragmatic decision. If you set aside the fact that the vast majority of these cyclists will be unwelcome foreigners, you have to consider national security. Lord alone knows how many Islamic terrorists will be amongst the riders just waiting for an opportunity to toss bombs into the crowd, not to mention to steal British people’s jobs”

Tour organisers are now looking for an alternative venue, with Marseille, famous for its drug smuggling reputation, among the favourites.

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