Today I found out the moon doesn’t belong to anyone, so I told my advisors I want to have it. They said it belongs to no one, but then I said that’s why I want it. Sometimes my advisors can be really stupid.
Then I asked if the moon costs money, of which I have a lot. I have a total of five billion dollar. My advisors told me the moon costs exactly what I have plus one dollar. So I asked my senior advisor for a dollar, but then he told me I wouldn’t have any money left for food.
That was a good point.
So I ended up buying 51% of the moon, mostly the dark side, because my advisors said if I will ever go to the moon, I should go to the dark side, where nobody has ever been.
Now I only have about 2.5 billion dollar, but that’s still enough because food doesn’t cost that much. And if I need more money, the people of North Korea are always happy to give it to me. It’s Christmas, after all.
My senior advisor said I could give the money to him and that he would take it to the Moon Office, which I had never heard of. Later he called me and said everything was okay and that I now own the dark side of the moon. I told my senior advisor I wanna go there next summer, but he said I don’t have enough money for a trip. So I asked him how much it costs. He said a trip to the moon costs all the money in North Korea plus one dollar.
So I called my best friend Dennis Rodman and asked him for one dollar. He wanted to know what it was for first. I told him. Dennis Rodman laughed at first, but then I got angry, so Dennis Rodman was serious again. He told me no one can buy the moon and that it’s a worthless rock.
Then I realized I had given my senior advisor half of all my money. I suspected that maybe my senior advisor was screwing me over, so I had him arrested. I was told he was on the phone with Barack when they arrested him. That made me mad, because Barack never takes my calls, especially not on Christmas.
My other advisors tell me my senior advisor is a traitor to the party and that he should be executed. But I was more interested in getting my money back. My new senior advisor said he would call the Moon Office and tell them it was all a misunderstanding and that I will have my money back tomorrow.
I’m confused. Why is there a Moon Office if you can’t buy the moon? I think tomorrow I will make a law forbidding the Moon Office. It only makes things complicated.
Your one and unly,
It says on CNN that America has reason to believe my position is weakening. Where would they get that idea? I almost bought the moon today.
This character assassination comes courtesy of Lennard van Ree of Satire Nation.