I was feeling bored today, so I summoned my lead scientist to play a game of ping pong. I lost. The last time I lost anything was when my dead dad was still alive. At first I was very mad. I threw the ping pong ball against the wall, but then it bounced back into my face.
My lead scientist isn’t good at ping pong. I just failed to make a decent serve. I believed the people of North Korea thought I was quite the ping pong player, but maybe I was wrong.
My lead scientist who beat me at ping pong said: “My dearest Supreme Leader, science teaches us this is a sign from god. You are the best ping pong player in the world and yet I’m forced to live in the shame of stepping out of your shadow by beating you 15 to 0. God tries to show you what it’s like to be normal, what it’s like to be mortal.”
I guess that made sense so I calmed down a bit. My lead scientist then went on his knees and started praising me. I thought he was a good sport for beating me, so I suggested we play another game.
I lost again, so I went mad.
But my lead scientist said: “God is once again shining on your greatness, your leaderness.”
But I said: “God doesn’t need two games of ping pong to get through to me.”
Then my scientist said: “Please, your supremeness, I honestly didn’t want to win. I tried not to win…but you just missed every serve! I tried letting you win, but I didn’t stand a chance!”
“So you were trying to let me win?” I said. “You think I’m that bad at ping pong?”
“Yes, my Supreme Leader. You are this great country’s biggest blessing and I thank god every day you are our leader, but I don’t think you have a talent for ping pong,” he said.
I wanted to become mad, but I was already so mad I calmed down a bit. It was weird cause I actually liked my scientist was honest to me.
“Ah well, I’m already the Supreme Basketball Player,” I said. “I can’t be supreme at everything.”
My scientist was very relieved and said: “You are indeed the best basketball player in the world, greatest leader.”
That made me feel good. It felt like I had made a friend.
But later today I figured my lead scientist might tell the other scientists he beat me at ping pong. And then every scientist would think I’m bad at ping pong. So I had to think of a solution.
So now I made playing ping pong against the law. I also made people believe it has always been against the law. So now when my scientist tells people he beat me at ping pong people won’t believe him.
I’m so smart.
Your one and unly,
I heard my lead scientist told everyone I’m the supreme ping pong player. I thought that was very nice of him. Guess he didn’t know ping pong is now forbidden. So now he got arrested for breaking the law. That’s sad cause he was my friend. I’ll miss him.
It is generally believed no ping pong balls were hurt during the making of this diary entry, which comes courtesy of Lennard van Ree of Satire Nation.