Dear diary,

Today I wanted to join a dating site, but then my advisors told me I am already married. I forget about that sometimes. I really like my wife, I really do, but she does everything I tell her to do. She never argues with me.

Well, she did argue once. I wanted to have pizza for dinner, but my wife said she was sick. Whenever I feel sick, I eat, so I told my wife she should eat too. She refused, so I ate the whole pizza myself. I liked how she stood up to me that day.

Sometimes I wish I had a wife who doesn’t obey me all the time, like Ann Coulter. I love how she says other people are stupid. No one ever tells me I’m stupid, but I’m sure Ann Coulter would. She thinks Barack is stupid. I agree, because he never calls me back.

I’m thinking of maybe taking a new wife. There are a lot of beautiful women in North Korea. My wife is pretty, but she is getting older. In want a young wife like the one Michael Douglas has. If Michael Douglas can get a beautiful wife, I should too. I’m prettier than Michael Douglas. That’s what I’m known for in North Korea.

I still like my wife, but I think sometimes she eats some of my Oreos. She knows she’s not allowed to. I could send her away, but my dead dad always told me not to execute too many family members in one year. And it’s only January.

My scientists tell me they’re getting closer to discovering how to make Oreos. If we can make them here, my wife could have some too. I like sharing sometimes.

I know South Korea has a lot of plastic surgeons. Maybe I could kidnap one of them and have them work on my wife. Or I just buy a new wife, whichever is cheapest.

Your one and unly,


Today I donated 10 dollars to Wikipedia. I like Wikipedia. I think more people should pay for it. On Wikipedia everybody can change facts or rewrite history.


This train wreck of a diary entry comes courtesy of Lennard van Ree of Satire Nation.

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