THE BOURNE SUPREME LEADER

Dear diary,

I like the Spice Girls. My favorite song goes like Viva forever, I’ll be waiting, everlasting, like the sun. Live forever, for the moment, ever searching, for the un. I wanted to play it on my dead dad’s funeral, but one of my dad’s final wishes was that my uncle Jang Sung-taek would pick the music. He chose poorly.

I asked the Spice Girls if they wanted to come to North Korea, but I haven’t heard back from them yet. Maybe they are busy. Or maybe they’re fighting again.

Ginger is my favorite. I was sorry when she left the group. I was one of the many people that didn’t buy their third album. Things just weren’t the same without Geri.

Geri was my favorite!

 

If I wasn’t so busy leading North Korea, I would probably be in a boy band. I once asked my generals and they think I have the hair for it. I’m also quite the singer. That’s what I’m known for in North Korea. My wife used to be a singer and we often sing together. I make her sing Viva Forever sometimes.

It made me wonder why no one else in North Korea seems to like the Spice Girls. My advisors told me it was forbidden in North Korea. I said that was ridiculous. My senior advisor soon agreed with me. He even said we could make money selling CD’s. North Korea is the only country where people don’t have internet, so people will still buy CD’s.

So now we’re buying CD’s for cheap on Ebay and are selling them for lots of money, so the people of North Korea can enjoy the Spice Girls too. We’re making a huge online profit this way.

I love the smell of Paypal in the morning.

But then my mind went on. With no internet, we can also sell videotapes. My advisors were really happy with me and they told me I could buy BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO for like 10 dollars.

So I did. I bought BLOCKBUSTER, but I changed the name to SUPREME LEADER VIDEO.

This is what it’ll look like. My advisors tell me I’m the Supreme Graphic Designer.

 

I am so happy I bought something American. I said I want to buy Nebraska too, but my advisors told me that ain’t worth shit. I believe them.

As it turned out, BLOCKBUSTER only has capitalist movies, which are forbidden. So we replaced them all with North Korean films like The Bourne Supreme Leader, The Night of the Living Supreme Leaders and The Last of the Supreme Leaders, which is about me.

Your one and unly,

Kimmy.

P.S.
I was also told North Koreans don’t have video or DVD players, so I made a law that says everybody has to buy one so paying for a movie at SUPREME LEADER VIDEO makes sense. I want to buy TARGET for that, but each time I say ‘I want Target’ people get nervous.

 

This dreadful attempt at mocking the world’s greatest supreme leader comes courtesy of Lennard van Ree of Satire Nation.

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