Today I smoked pot for the first time. I also pardoned five war criminals, just because I felt like it. I also got a letter from Hillary, asking me to release Kenneth Bae. I almost did it, cause I kinda like Hillary and her husband. When Bill visited my dead dad in 2009, he brought me a box full of Oreos. I thought that was supercool of him.
Bill and I even shared an Oreo when he was here. I pulled it apart and kept both halves behind my back. Then Bill had to pick which half he would eat by saying ‘left hand’ or ‘right hand’. He said ‘right hand’. Thank god he picked the empty half. I was left with most of the white stuff.
At first Bill even wanted to give me his half too, but I said: “No, Bill, go ahead, you eat. That’s how we do things here in North Korea. We share.”
But Bill still didn’t want to eat it. Then I saw his half of the Oreo started to melt in his hand, so I asked him if he was gonna eat that. Bill said he wasn’t, so I took his half too. That’s when I told my dad Bill was an okay guy.
And Hillary is great too. I wish she had become president instead of Barack. I wish she would come visit, but she never answers my email. I think maybe Hillary doesn’t like me as much as Bill. Perhaps that’s because I’m a ladies’ guy like Bill. That’s what I’m known for in North Korea. Bill gets me. I think Hillary would like my wife, though. They could talk about woman stuff together, while I show Bill all the nice ladies as they’re being filmed in their homes.
Perhaps if I release Kenneth Bae, Bill and Hillary could visit. I was in such a good mood today. I almost picked up the phone to ask South Korea if they were still interested in a peace treaty, but my generals convinced me that’s not a good idea somehow. I love my generals. They’re always there when I need them.
After talking to my generals I wanted to call Hillary and tell her I’d release Kenneth Bae. Then Dennis Rodman called. He told me I would look weak if I release Kenneth Bae and that if anyone would take the credit for saving him, it would be him and not Hillary. I get the feeling Dennis Rodman doesn’t have many friends either, just like me. I don’t know why. He is always so nice to me.
The world is such a beautiful place! I feel happy now. North Korea is a great place, because people can smoke pot here. They seem to be smoking a lot. My dead dad always told me to stay away from it. But he is dead. I think I will smoke pot more often. Perhaps Bill and I could smoke pot together someday. My advisors tell me he likes it too.
Your one and unly,
I’m sure I had left some weed on my desk, but it’s gone now. I suspect one of my generals may have taken it.
This godawful character assassination comes courtesy of Lennard van Ree of Satire Nation infamy.