Tag Archives: soz satire magazine

SoZ Satire’s Wonderful Worldwide World Of Wonder

sean bean

That Sean Bean out of Game Of Thrones pictured putting a brave face on things despite having a hand on a spring.

You know that Sean Bean out of Game Of Thrones and When Saturday Comes? He’s only got one arm he has. He had the other one shot off while filming Sharpe’s Rifles in Spain in 2001. Apparently somebody accidentally put a real cannon ball in one of the cannons instead of a foam rubber one and it took his arm off during a scene where he was battling against the Frenchies during The Peninsular War in the olden days.

Instead of a real arm he’s got a hand on a spring, which can extend to just over 100 metres. It got him into trouble in 2005 when he used it to grab a girl’s tits who was walking on the other side of the road in his native town of Sheffield, and he was subsequently charged with lewd conduct, breach of the peace and common assault.

When he went to court he told the judge:  “Now then owr magistrate.  ‘appen ah did cop ‘old of a lass’s baps t’other day, but she where a reet champion bit o’ stoof and ah couldn’t ‘elp me sen”

He was subsequently fined £150 and ordered to pay costs of £80 which included the price of a new bra for the girl in question

Disclaimer: No people from the north of England will be lampooned or jeered at, in any way, shape, or form in the new issue of SoZ Satire magazine (Coming Soon For Christ’s Sake!)…in all probability.

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Youthful Satirical Mag Editor Claims Full Credit For Front Page Speech Bubbles

Political Parties Pledge

Christ! Check out the f*****g captions on that!” – Baking guru, Mary Berry.

In a shock revelation that will shake the very foundations of the world of mildly unsuccessful satirical magazines, the 19-year-old editor of Soz Satire “A Piss Poor Excuse For Humour”, has revealed that, just before the latest edition was published, he made a number of alterations to the front page speech bubbles, making them in his view: “Even funnier”

Clivey Dee, 19, and looking a fair bit younger, told reporters outside his office in Whitechapel, East London:

“Just before we went live the other week I went into the online editing bit and made a few alterations to the speech bubbles to make them even funnier. Our graphics bloke, The Artful Dodger, who’s getting on a bit in years to be honest, had done his best bless him, but when you’re as old as he is you tend to lose that innovative touch and it sometimes takes somebody from the younger, more vibrant generation, such as myself, to give things a sprinkle of stardust. So I was more than happy to roll my sleeves up and spend 10 minutes altering what had taken him countless hours to produce without so much as a by-your-leave. I did actually try to tell him what I’d done but he was being sick in the pub toilet at the time and I’m not sure if he heard me”

Dee, 19, and not looking a day over 15, was given the whole-hearted approval of a number of prominent literary figures last night, including, E L James, author of the highly successful, 50 Shades erotic trilogy, who told us:

“EYE FINK DAT THE SPEACH BUBLEZ ON SOZ SATYRE WER BRILL AND VERY EROTIK. IF MR GREYE SAW THEM HEE WOOD GET HIS NOB OUT AND RUB IT AWL OVER THE FRUNT PAYGE UNTIL HEE BLEW HIZ CUSTERD ON THEM KAPTSHUNS. OH MYE!”

If you’d like to see what all the fuss is about, or would even like to voice your worthless opinion, then why not visit:

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

PS. A genuine, heartfelt thank you to all you good peeps that have wasted chunks of your existence visiting the mag. It really is greatly appreciated by us, as well as extremely ill-advised on your part. So thanks guys x

Clivey Dee,19…but only just mind!

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Charlotte Brontesaurus: 19th Century Romantic Agony Aunt

charlotte bronte

“Anyone got any ciggies? I’m dying for a burn!”

Here’s one I wrote a little earlier that will almost certainly bring the ubiquitous death threats from the fragrant, lady members of The Bronte’s Appreciation Society. Sorry girls but I’m afraid it had to be done 🙂

It’s not as dire as the singing buoy skit I foisted upon you the other day but it runs it pretty damn close I don’t mind telling you! 🙂

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire#!charlotte-brontesaurus/cj96

Warning: Contains heaving bosoms, men in tight riding breeches and the odd spelling mistake.

Clivey Dee, 19.

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The Bloody Foreigner’s Tourist Guide To London

cockneys

Strike a light Mayweee. Show us yer threepenny bits love”

Here’s one that was sung and choreographed by my fiend (sp?), Gary Moore ‘Churchmouse’ earlier folks.

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire#!london-tourist-guide/c1jtw

Disclaimer: No London gangland figures were nailed to snooker tables during the writing and editing of this skit…in all probability.

Signed. Clivey Dee, 19.

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Dorking Man’s Suicide After Littering Shame

drunk clivey

Inchy’s portrayal of how I might look after reading this particular skit.

This tragic story of one man’s doomed struggle to confront his littering misdemeanour will leave you shattered, moved, outraged and visibly aroused.

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire#!litter-bug-blues/cybp

TESTIMONIAL: “After reading this skit I became visibly aroused and had to stumble from Westminster Abbey with a copy of Big ‘N’ Bouncy concealing my shame” – The Archbishop Of Canterbury.

Clivey

 

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Li’l’ Kimmy: Diary Of An Ailing Dictator

kimmy respect my authoritah

 

“Dear Diary

My doctor said I have anger issues, so I had him shot…”

For more from everybody’s favourite megalomaniac and to see how deftly and shamelessly I have plundered Lenny’s site for copy, why not visit:

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire#!lil-kimmy-diary-of-an-ailing-dictator/cdw7

This beautifully edited skit (especially the lobotomy reference. I wrote that myself to add a sprinkle of stardust to the piece) was ripped  off without permission from Satire Nation. Cheers Lenny!

Clivey.

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Fury As Satirical Magazine Announces Plans To Merge With A Different Satirical Magazine

GazMikeClInch02

The writing staff of Soz Satire pictured in pensive mood and with funny-shaped heads last night

 

The world of poorly-written humour and satire was in uproar last night after the deeply unpopular, largely unheard-of satirical publication, Soz Satire “A Piss Poor Excuse For Humour”, announced plans to join forces with the deeply unpopular, largely unheard-of, satirical publication, The Whelk “A Satirical Word In Your Shell-Like Ear”

Speaking to reporters from outside the Soz offices in Whitechapel, East London, editor-in-chief, Clivey Dee, a 21-year-old stunning brunette, said: “Yes it’s absolutely true that we plan to merge with our friends at The Whelk. Discussions are at an advanced stage in a number of local pubs and we hope to make an announcement at some vague, unspecified time in the future:

When asked whether the move was a cynical ploy to lower readership to an even more abysmal level, Dee 18, an attractive single, blonde mother of two, said: “That’s absolute nonsense. Our stats have never looked healthier to be honest. We just see this as a chance to spread our artistic wings a little”

Dee, 21, a statuesque redhead with massive tits, has a good track record in this area and was rumoured to be the driving force behind the collapse and bankruptcy of at least three other humour-based publications.

Clivey

PS. While you’re waiting for further news of the planned merger or for your wife/girlfriend to get ready to go out, why not visit:

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

It’s got a brand new skit in the Funny Fings section too! I know this because I just put the fucker in there.

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Britain Set To Deploy Simon Cowell’s Huge Trousers After Islamic State Incursion Onto Olly Murs’s Big Face

Olly

He gotta big face!

 

Once again the dedicated and intrepid hacks at Soz Satire are at the cutting edge of all the big political breaking news stories -and let’s face if folks, they don’t get much bigger than Olly Murs’s bloody great dial do they?

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire#!facing-death/c1gq8

Clivey

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BREAKING NEWS: Dorking Woman Has “Lost A Bit Of Weight Since Xmas”

skeleton

Some physicians warn about the dangers of rapid weight loss

 

For this simply shocking tale of one woman’s ‘Battle Of The Bulge, and for even more jaw-droppingly unfunny articles, why not visit:

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire#!lard-farce/c1nxk

I can’t guarantee you’ll lose any inches from that expanding waistline but your will to live is quite another matter.

Clivey

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Private Eye Magazine Editor Attacks Own Office In Bid To Boost Circulation

terrorist

The writing on the wall? Hislop pictured buying his copy of The Daily Mail just hours before the attack

To read this and sundry other examples of irreverent, appalling bad taste, why not visit:

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire#!killing-satire/cne7

PS. Before anyone starts throwing up their outraged little hands in horror at this one I should like to point out that amongst the people who would have laughed the loudest would have been my poor dead Parisian brothers and sisters- in satire.

Vive La France! Vive la satire!

Je suis Charlie

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