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DORKING CHURCH HALL: EASTER EVENTS

vicar

Angelically written by Gary “The Redeemer of Romford” Hoadley.

Fiendishly re-hashed and made even funnier by Clivey “The Lucifer of Leytonstone” Dee, 19.

Dear Parishioners,

The hall has seen many faces come and go during the past year, thank the Lord we managed to persuade The Kim Jong Un Appreciation Society to give up their vigil. The violence was a little over the top, but at least no one was arrested. This Easter we see some new faces using the hall and I hope they will be made as welcome as all our previous residents have been. Please report any abuse of the hall to my wife.

Regards

Rev H. Rancid.

Monday.

6pm to 7pm – The Dorking Crematorium Tap Dancers Club. (Please don’t tip your ash on the floor)

7pm to 8pm Herring Keepers AGM. (No pickling please)

8pm to 9pm The Foreskin Biological Forum. (scalpels will be confiscated)

Tuesday.

2pm to 4pm –  Dorking Anti-Racist workshop. (No Midgets)

4pm to 6pm – Leather Truss Collectors Club. (Modelled by Mrs Trimble)

Wednesday

12pm to 2pm – Pubic Wig Weavers General Meeting. (No messing about in the bushes)

2pm to 6pm – Dorking Sadists Wednesday Club. (Please keep the noise down)

7pm to 10pm – Gay/Lesbian worm diviners. (All welcome. No Trannies)

Thursday.

The hall will be closed to the Parishioners for the Dorking Vicars, Deacons and Vergers orgy (please do not ask for admission on the night, this is an all ticket event)

Friday.

9am to 12pm – Lower Dorking public toilet sitters club. (No old pennies please)

3pm to 4pm – Box Hill blind unicycle crash and burn team. (no smoking)

7pm to 9pm – Dorking Little Bleeders Haemophiliac club (Please bring a pint)

Saturday.

7pm to 10pm – Dorking council estate punch up and Disco. (light refreshments, weapons, and hard drugs available at the vicarage)

Sunday.

Hall closed for disinfecting and cleaning.

Please make sure you book your place in the hall for next week. If you fail to turn up you will lose your deposit. I will make an exception for the Dorking Amnesiac Dance Troupe.

Fond Regards

Reverend Harold Rancid (Mrs)

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Shop ‘Till You Plop. A Gentle And Effective Retail Purgative

Written By Gary Hoadley
Edited By Clivey Dee
Graphic By The Artful Dodger.

gaz mini me

“Oooh suit you sir!”

The Pub:

“Good evening Landlord, a pint of your best custard please”.
“Certainly Mr Thorpe. Birds Eye?”
“Yes please Bert, I developed a craving for it whilst hunting tower blocks in Africa”.

The Bakery:

“Morning Mrs Punnet, what will it be this morning my dear?”
“An uncut porn film, and an iced West End ponce please”.
“Would you like it wrapped in a badger’s scrotum?”
“No, thank you, I have brought along my own sand worm”.

The Butcher’s:

“Hello Mr Funnel, how are you?”
“Diverse and full of Carpathian Theology”.
“Wonderful, are you having a bus stop this weekend?”
“No Simon, just a simple transvestite holy ritual”.
“With Jesus and Moses?”
“Oh yes, it wouldn’t be the same without cow sheds”.

The Tailor:

“The ulcerated mouth and the pan fried eggs will
be ready for your fitting on Wednesday Mrs Horn”.
“Thank you George, see you on Planet Zog”.

The Restaurant:

“Good evening sir, good evening madam. Are you strangers?”
“Yes thank you. May we order?”
“Yes sir, Have you a Dalmatian in the yard?”
“Oh, how kind!  Isn’t he kind Rodney?”
“Yes, Miriam. Pony’s leg trotter for me please Nigel…on the rocks!”
“Darling, may I have a starter motor, with a side order of Penguins?”
“Certainly Madam, would you like two nuclear bunkers with it?”
“Yes! And I’ll also have a rudder and ball joint with Castrol Hypoid 90 gearbox oil you bastard!”.
“And what would sir and madam like to drink?”
“A bottle of Western Philanthropist 2056 please”.
“Perfect choice sir, I will return in Cyril Smith”.

The Corner Shop:

“Twenty Benson and Hedges and a box of matches please Mr Patel”.
“Get out you bloody madman!…And stay out!”
“Oooh errr!”
“Sorry about that, Mrs London- Pavement, we get them from time to time”.
“Perfectly okay Mr Patel”.
“Now, what would you like?”
“Twenty shirt- lifters and a box of dead condoms to eat now please Mr Patel”.
“Certainly…”

Editor’s Note: Gary Hoadley has now moved to a densely populated area in Florida…or at least it was densely populated until he moved there

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