Category Archives: The League Of Mental Men

ASK BBC TEST CARD GIRL: THE COMPLETELY INERT AGONY AUNT WITH A HEART

bbc test card

“It’s ok love!… It’s not the telly, it’s them”

Dear BBC Test Card Girl.

I’m a 22-year-old woman who recently married the man of my dreams – or so I thought. The problem is; he keeps making excuses whenever I ask him to make love to me. He claims to be too tired after work during week days, and then at weekends, he feigns illness or makes out he’s hurt his back doing the gardening. He tells me constantly that he loves me and finds me attractive, so why won’t he give me the physical love I crave? I’d like to start a family at some point, but if his constant excuses at bedtime continue, I can’t ever see myself getting pregnant. On top of this, last week I found pictures of a naked man on his phone along with a series of explicit text messages sent by my husband to this person, describing in graphic detail what he’s going to do to him when they next meet. Do you think he could be gay? Please help me if you can, BBC Test Card Girl, as I’m at my wit’s end with worry and you’re my last hope.

Yours faithfully

Mary Tracy

London E2

**********************

Dear Mary

Hiss…crackle…whistle…phutt…pop!

We apologise for this break in our transmission, our engineers are working on the problem. Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible. In the meantime, here’s some music…

We are happy to announce that normal service can now be restored. We apologise for the fault and hope that your enjoyment has not been spoiled. And now…back to The Antiques Roadshow.

Yours Faithfully

BBC Test Card Girl

Television Centre

Shepherd’s Bush

London

If you have a relationship problem and would like to receive a totally unsatisfactory response from a girl drawing on a blackboard who must be getting on a bit by now; write to: BBC Test Card Girl at the above address and she’ll do her best to restore your peace of mind after some pretty nondescript music.

Advertisements

3 Comments

Filed under arses, BBC, homosexuality, nobs, nude men, relationships, test card, The League Of Mental Men

WHY I LOVE BEING A FREELANCE SATIRIST…

soz inciting riots

It’s not the money if that’s what you’re thinking, nor indeed the prestige and fame, let alone the offers of marriage from countless smitten film starlets and fashion models. No, my friends, it’s none of those things. It’s the brevity.

Let me explain further. I write for a handful of satirical news publications with varying degrees of success. For example, I recently had a story published in News Thump which attracted 30,000 Facebook ‘likes’, over 700 ‘shares’, and more tweets than you could shake an inky quill at, not to mention countless comments on the piece itself, some complimentary, some condemnatory. In short, just as it should be when writing ‘proper’ satire.

The real beauty, however, comes with my interactions with the various editors. Brevity truly is the order of the day with these boys and that’s right up my misanthropic alley. Take this morning’s communication with the editor of News Thump following my early morning sub:

ED. – This is good Danny (my nom de plume) I’ll get it up some time this morning. (He has a very attractive wife apparently)

ME – Thanks mate. Much appreciated as ever.

THE END

Good isn’t it? 😀

Here’s the piece if you’re interested. Have a great day/evening/night.

Clivey.

http://newsthump.com/2015/09/29/furore-as-london-turns-down-chance-to-watch-drug-users-on-pushbikes/

Leave a comment

Filed under Danny Soz, Facebook, Satire, The League Of Mental Men

FURORE AS LONDON TURNS DOWN CHANCE TO WATCH DRUG USERS ON PUSHBIKES

tour de france

A number of competitors on last years Tour De France pictured suffering from acute withdrawal symptoms

There was a degree of consternation amongst British sports lovers yesterday following the decision by Transport For London to pull out of hosting the start of The Tour De France cycling event in the capital.

TFL blamed the cost of hosting the event and also pointed to the extra strain on cleaning staff,  who would be burdened with the task of scraping up the remains of competitors who had been knocked down and killed by lorries and buses turning left.

Some ordinary Londoners and members of the business community we spoke to were dismayed by the last-minute decision to host the event; which has often been blighted by revelations that most, if not all, of the competitors, are using performance- enhancing drugs.

Toby Carter, a chemist from Paddington said. “It’s a tremendous blow to my business. The last time the tour was staged here I made an absolute pile just from the sale of syringes and needles alone”

Del Tracy, a cycling enthusiast from Bow in East London, was also upset at the decision. “I was really looking forward to throwing bottles of piss at the French riders and so was my wife” he told us.

Not everyone was downbeat, however. Nigel Farage, the leader of the far-right United Kingdom Independence Party appeared jubilant when he spoke to reporters: “This is a common-sense, pragmatic decision. If you set aside the fact that the vast majority of these cyclists will be unwelcome foreigners, you have to consider national security. Lord alone knows how many Islamic terrorists will be amongst the riders just waiting for an opportunity to toss bombs into the crowd, not to mention to steal British people’s jobs”

Tour organisers are now looking for an alternative venue, with Marseille, famous for its drug smuggling reputation, among the favourites.

Leave a comment

Filed under drug abuse, Humor, Humour, London, The League Of Mental Men, The Tour De France

MEN WHO MOISTURISE WILL BE PUT TO DEATH SAYS GOVERNMENT SPOKESMAN

moisturist

A woman pictured pretending not to care that her ‘moisturist’ boyfriend is a big mincing fairy.

A government spokesman last night revealed that they plan to introduce capital punishment for any man who is found in possession of male grooming products, in particular, facial cleansing, toning, and moisturising creams.

Mr Claude Dee, MP for Bethnal Green, said. “We feel that it’s high time the government stepped in to stop the increasing number of men who are not only purchasing but using male grooming aids. These “moisturists” should be stopped at all costs in our view and if that means bringing back the rope then so be it. One of my female constituents told me last week that she had to wait 40 minutes to get into the bathroom due to her husband being in there applying various creams to his face like a big girly.”

“We hope to get the bill through The Commons within a fortnight and are expecting full cross-party support, apart from the ex-Deputy Speaker, who is against the motion, and who is currently appearing in court facing charges of bumming some of his male constituents in The Palace of Westminster toilets.”

1 Comment

Filed under fairies, male grooming, Politics, The League Of Mental Men

SOZ SATIRE’S WONDERFUL WORLDWIDE WORLD OF WONDER.

gaz beer

Did you know that The Queen has got an artificial leg? Well she has. She lost the original one during the war when she and Princess Margaret went out on one of their famous secret walks together. They used to dress up as normal civvies and go to the pictures and then down the pub after. Apparently, the Germans dropped a bomb on the cinema, where they were watching a Noel Coward film, and the Queen had her leg blown off, although Princess Margaret got away with it.

The new leg is made from wood from a tree in Buckingham Palace and she’s got a special servant who polishes it and sands it down now and again so that the royal corgis don’t get splinters when they rub up against it.. She didn’t say anything about it at the time because Winston Churchill told her not to. He told her it would be bad for the nation if they knew that one of the royals had been bombed by the Germans.

They say, that when she dies, her leg will be put on display in a special see-through box in Westminster Abbey so that members of the public can look at it and pay their respects.

It’s absolutely true this is. A bloke down the pub told me.

4 Comments

Filed under The League Of Mental Men, The Queen, the war

OUTCRY AS CONDEMNED MAN LEFT ON ‘STANDBY’ DURING EXECUTION

chair

image by Pinxit

There was consternation and outrage amongst prisoner’s rights campaigners last night as news emerged that a condemned man at The Indiana State Prison had been left in standby mode for 10 minutes just prior to his execution in the electric chair while the executioner went to the toilet.

Prison governor, Jim Garfield, 63, told reporters. “While it’s true that a death row inmate was left with a small, energy-saving amount of current running through him while one of my officers took a comfort break, he was in no real danger and I’m satisfied that his human rights were not breached in any way”.

The officer concerned, Hal Bernstein, 34, defended his actions saying “Yes I left the inmate with roughly a third of the lethal voltage passing through him, but I was absolutely touching cloth and I didn’t want to keep the state witnesses waiting in the viewing bay with nothing to look at while I took a dump. It’s not as if I let the sonofabitch off or anything”

This is not the first time there has been a Death House controversy at this particular correctional facility. In 1987, the Governor was censured for attaching jump cables to the ears of a condemned man and boost charging his car battery during the execution of the 23-year-old murderer and rapist from Fort Wayne.

3 Comments

Filed under capital punishment, energy saving, The League Of Mental Men

Letters To LOMM

Jo Stalin

Dear League of Mental Men

As a loving mother of 3 young children, I like to give my kids a treat by topping up their morning fruit juice with vodka. I then give them a few miniature bottles to take to school in their packed lunch boxes. Their teachers say that they’re the happiest kids in the whole school but that they tend to sleep heavily in the afternoons.

Tracy Dell

The Pig and Whistle

Shoreditch

1 Comment

Filed under alcoholism, The League Of Mental Men

How To “Facebook” With No PC or Device: A Poor Person’s Guide.

beckham

A 75 year old trawlerman from Lowestoft displaying his latest FB avatar last night.

Avatar Simulation: Enlarge a particularly flattering picture of yourself taken a least two decades ago and walk around the streets with it glued to your face. Singularly unattractive people may prefer to use their favourite celebrity such as George Clooney or Rachel Weiss. You’ll be fooling nobody mind you.

Friending: Approach a complete stranger in the street, ask them for directions and then, over the next few weeks, gently probe them for intimate details of their private life before discussing them down the pub.

Unfriending: Approach the same person a few weeks later and kick them up the arse

Liking: Sidle up to somebody who’s engaged in a private conversation, nudge them in the ribs and give them a thumbs up sign.

Sharing: Break into somebody’s house and steal a painting or photograph from their wall before parading around the streets holding it aloft. Thick people who would rather others didn’t realise how utterly cretinous they were could walk the streets wearing a sandwich board bearing a quotation from Plato or similar.

Commenting: Eavesdrop on somebody’s private conversation and then chime in by saying “So true!” Advanced Facebookers may wish to then smother the speaker with kisses before referring to them as “babes”,” hun”, “girlfriend” or “bro”

Private Messaging: Approach somebody you vaguely know, and then, in a conspiratorial manner, whisper to them that somebody else you both vaguely know is a cunt. Pig ugly men with small penises and no prospect of getting a girlfriend could also take this opportunity to make an inappropriate remark to a female with their miserable little cock hanging out.

Blocking: Use the electoral roll to find the address of somebody who gets on your nerves and then shoot them in the face on their doorstep.

Deactivating Account: Swallow a few handfuls of Paracetemol and drink a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Clivey “No I have no interest in looking at your fucking dog/cat, hideous children, house, garden, wallpaper or sexual organs so kindly fuck off”

1 Comment

Filed under Facebook, soz satire, The League Of Mental Men

BREAKING NEWS: WORMWOOD SCRUBBS PRISON STOLEN.

JaneGAZ

The prison governor pictured in determined mood last night

By Gary “The Pigeon Fancier Of Brixton Remand Centre” Hoadley

The Government admitted today, that Wormwood Scrubs Prison had been stolen.
A spokesperson said that the prison had been missing for a few days.

Prison Governor, Judas Priest, said; “We realised something was wrong when our keys would not fit the locks. On further investigation, it would appear the whole prison has been replaced with a cardboard cut out replica”.

Asked if this has caused any security problems, Mr Priest replied; “We haven’t told the prisoners, If they get wind the walls are made of cardboard some of them might want to escape, and that just will not do, they are naughty boys you know”.

The police believe it could have been an inside job.

Inspector Tosh Lyons, of the Yard said; “My men have a few leads, and that means the dogs are loose, so any criminal, and I believe there a few round here, better give themselves up or we are going to get the right raving hump…Is the pub open?”

Prison Officers Union Chief, Bill Gates stated; “A prison the size of Wormwood Scrubs will be easy to recognise, sooner or later it will have to surface, that is when we will strike, and when we get what we want, we will go back to work”.

Probation Officer, Pontius O’Pilot, was a little less worried; “I think the people responsible will give themselves up. Life is about trust, I have some men building my new garden wall from recycled stone, they assure me its local stone”.

Scotland Yard issued the following statement:
“Do not approach the prison, some of the mortar between those stones is 100 years old and very flaky. Not only that, the drains have not been cleaned out for years.
If you are offered a new patio on the cheap, or large garden gates please contact us.”

2 Comments

Filed under Humor, Humour, The League Of Mental Men

The Island

alf and elsie
“Look…LOOOOOOOK! It’s all darn to yer evolutionary progress you silly moo!”
***********************************************************
The Island by Gary “Di Caprio” Hoadley
 
In the middle of the South Pacific Ocean
an island sits unobserved.
The inhabitants have been there 
for thousands of years.
 
 
 
King Alf sits on his throne. He is speaking to Queen Elsie.
 
“Look, looook, I’m the bludy king right, and I say who does what”
“Well, you can’t stop them leaving if they want to”.
“Yes I can! My word is law mate”.
“What if they get a boat and sail off?”
“That, my dear, that is why, I have an army”
“Bunch of geriatric beer drinker’s like you”
“They may be old my dear…I say, they may be old, but they’re as hard as nails”
“Rubbish, they were the first one’s to run and hide when that boat came in”
“That was a tactical withdrawal, luring yer enemy into the trap they was”
“Well, they would have found you all in the pub!”.
“Exactly, they wouldn’t expect to find us there would they?…I mean, we had the advantage, cos the pub see, the pub, it’s got a few windows ain’t it”
“What difference does that make!?”
“Because, my dear, we could see them coming and open fire before they got too close and then – when they was depleted – we charge at ’em.”
“But you lot were drunk by the time the strangers came ashore”
“We just had a few to liven ourselves up before the fray, it’s what your army does in time of invasion, gives the men fortitude and lights the fire of valour”
“Sent you bunch of drunks to sleep, it was me and the girls that saw them off”
“You didn’t see them off! We was there, watching and waiting, with their commander in chief, leading them to the front line of victory!”.
“You were asleep under the billiard table”.
“No I bludy well was not! I was holding a war council under the protection of the billiard table, it was my command centre, got to have one somewhere”
“Rubbish, you were drunk, and so was your so called army, me and the girls saw them intruders off by telling them we had the plague”.
“Look, you great big puddin! I’m the bludy king, see, and you are one of my subjects, so watch out, or…or it’s the bleedin’ chop for you”
“Pig!…I rue the day I married you, my mother told me, told me not to do it!”
“She didn’t complain when I had that house of hers built did she? No, didn’t bludy complain abart me then did she, with all her how’s yer fathers”
“That wasn’t house, it was a mud hut with an inside lavvy”
“She didn’t turn it darn though did she! Bludy moaning old cow”
“Hates you, she does, says you are a tyrant”
“Marvellous…bludy marvellous aint it, you do your best, by the subjects that are supposed to worship and adore you, and what thanks do you get?…A daft old bat complaining abart the hand, the hand that feeds her!”
“It’s your own fault, you should have built the extension like you promised”
“You silly moo! I’m goin’ darn the bludy pub!”
 
 
Next week:
The Kings daughter returns
from her honeymoon.

2 Comments

Filed under Humor, Humour, The League Of Mental Men