I wet my bed last night. That almost never happens. I told my wife she did it and she believed me.
But after breakfast I went to see my doctor. My doctor is a nice woman, very smart. But I’m smarter, because I told her a friend of mine had wet his bed, so she wouldn’t think it was me.
“Does your friend wet his bed more often?” my doctor asked me.
“A few times every year,” I said.
“Does your friend have any psychological issues?” my doctor said.
“I don’t think so. Dennis Rodman is always very nice.”
“Does Dennis Rodman have a lot of stress in his life?”
“I don’t think so. Everybody loves Dennis Rodman. He is the supreme basketball player.”
Then my doctor paused for a few seconds. She was thinking.
“Do the people of North Korea like Dennis Rodman?” she asked then.
“I think only the people of North Korea like Dennis Rodman,” I said. “Sometimes other people make fun of him, but I know he’s only doing his best. But when you’re as awesome as Dennis Rodman, people start making fun of you because they’re jealous.”
“Do you think Dennis Rodman may be scared sometimes?” my doctor asked. I thought that was a very good question, so I thought about it for a while. Then I said: “I think Dennis Rodman is probably very scared. That’s why he’s friends with me. We help each other out.”
In the end my doctor told me that when somebody is so very awesome, it’s scary, because you have a lot of responsibility. People look up to you. Everything you do is observed and judged and if you do something wrong, the punishment is very severe. My doctor said only people in North Korea could ever understand what that must be like.
She is a smart woman. I like her. I think more women should become doctors. My doctor isn’t mean like House.
My doctor said Dennis Rodman should take some valium to ease his mind.
“You can give me valium and then I’ll give it to him,” I said because I wanted it for myself.
“Don’t they have valium in the United States?” my doctor asked. I did not expect that.
So I said: “No.”
My doctor totally believed me. Of course now she can never leave North Korea, but that’s okay, because I like her.
Your one and unly,
Why don’t Pringles come in a bag? Once I eat half my hand doesn’t fit in anymore. And then I have to tilt my Pringles until they fall out, but I always spill some, especially toward the end when it’s mostly just crumbs. I do like how you can seal Pringles after you opened them, but I never use that option.
This harrowing portrait of one of the world’s greatest leaders comes from Lennard van Ree of Satire Nation infamy.