Written By Gary Hoadley
Edited By Clivey Dee
Graphic By The Artful Dodger.
“Oooh suit you sir!”
“Good evening Landlord, a pint of your best custard please”.
“Certainly Mr Thorpe. Birds Eye?”
“Yes please Bert, I developed a craving for it whilst hunting tower blocks in Africa”.
“Morning Mrs Punnet, what will it be this morning my dear?”
“An uncut porn film, and an iced West End ponce please”.
“Would you like it wrapped in a badger’s scrotum?”
“No, thank you, I have brought along my own sand worm”.
“Hello Mr Funnel, how are you?”
“Diverse and full of Carpathian Theology”.
“Wonderful, are you having a bus stop this weekend?”
“No Simon, just a simple transvestite holy ritual”.
“With Jesus and Moses?”
“Oh yes, it wouldn’t be the same without cow sheds”.
“The ulcerated mouth and the pan fried eggs will
be ready for your fitting on Wednesday Mrs Horn”.
“Thank you George, see you on Planet Zog”.
“Good evening sir, good evening madam. Are you strangers?”
“Yes thank you. May we order?”
“Yes sir, Have you a Dalmatian in the yard?”
“Oh, how kind! Isn’t he kind Rodney?”
“Yes, Miriam. Pony’s leg trotter for me please Nigel…on the rocks!”
“Darling, may I have a starter motor, with a side order of Penguins?”
“Certainly Madam, would you like two nuclear bunkers with it?”
“Yes! And I’ll also have a rudder and ball joint with Castrol Hypoid 90 gearbox oil you bastard!”.
“And what would sir and madam like to drink?”
“A bottle of Western Philanthropist 2056 please”.
“Perfect choice sir, I will return in Cyril Smith”.
The Corner Shop:
“Twenty Benson and Hedges and a box of matches please Mr Patel”.
“Get out you bloody madman!…And stay out!”
“Sorry about that, Mrs London- Pavement, we get them from time to time”.
“Perfectly okay Mr Patel”.
“Now, what would you like?”
“Twenty shirt- lifters and a box of dead condoms to eat now please Mr Patel”.
Editor’s Note: Gary Hoadley has now moved to a densely populated area in Florida…or at least it was densely populated until he moved there