Shop ‘Till You Plop. A Gentle And Effective Retail Purgative

Written By Gary Hoadley
Edited By Clivey Dee
Graphic By The Artful Dodger.

gaz mini me

“Oooh suit you sir!”

The Pub:

“Good evening Landlord, a pint of your best custard please”.
“Certainly Mr Thorpe. Birds Eye?”
“Yes please Bert, I developed a craving for it whilst hunting tower blocks in Africa”.

The Bakery:

“Morning Mrs Punnet, what will it be this morning my dear?”
“An uncut porn film, and an iced West End ponce please”.
“Would you like it wrapped in a badger’s scrotum?”
“No, thank you, I have brought along my own sand worm”.

The Butcher’s:

“Hello Mr Funnel, how are you?”
“Diverse and full of Carpathian Theology”.
“Wonderful, are you having a bus stop this weekend?”
“No Simon, just a simple transvestite holy ritual”.
“With Jesus and Moses?”
“Oh yes, it wouldn’t be the same without cow sheds”.

The Tailor:

“The ulcerated mouth and the pan fried eggs will
be ready for your fitting on Wednesday Mrs Horn”.
“Thank you George, see you on Planet Zog”.

The Restaurant:

“Good evening sir, good evening madam. Are you strangers?”
“Yes thank you. May we order?”
“Yes sir, Have you a Dalmatian in the yard?”
“Oh, how kind!  Isn’t he kind Rodney?”
“Yes, Miriam. Pony’s leg trotter for me please Nigel…on the rocks!”
“Darling, may I have a starter motor, with a side order of Penguins?”
“Certainly Madam, would you like two nuclear bunkers with it?”
“Yes! And I’ll also have a rudder and ball joint with Castrol Hypoid 90 gearbox oil you bastard!”.
“And what would sir and madam like to drink?”
“A bottle of Western Philanthropist 2056 please”.
“Perfect choice sir, I will return in Cyril Smith”.

The Corner Shop:

“Twenty Benson and Hedges and a box of matches please Mr Patel”.
“Get out you bloody madman!…And stay out!”
“Oooh errr!”
“Sorry about that, Mrs London- Pavement, we get them from time to time”.
“Perfectly okay Mr Patel”.
“Now, what would you like?”
“Twenty shirt- lifters and a box of dead condoms to eat now please Mr Patel”.
“Certainly…”

Editor’s Note: Gary Hoadley has now moved to a densely populated area in Florida…or at least it was densely populated until he moved there

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12 Comments

Filed under Humor, Humour

12 responses to “Shop ‘Till You Plop. A Gentle And Effective Retail Purgative

  1. I found this piece absorbing but extremely upsetting. It is also redolent with the acrid stench of death.
    The editing was good though…quite brilliant in fact!
    Oh yes.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The recession is now over – The Golden Age of Shopping is upon us once more!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. In the light of the arrival of that Golden Age I think a new laptop is in order as still cannot ‘share’ posts on anything else – pity as I like this one rather a lot!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. alienorajt

    Dear Felicity –

    I wandered, lonely as an M.25 queue, into Laura Ashley the other zenith to get my usual order of mating Crested Grebes twinned with a small hamlet in the Ukraine no one’s ever heard of, and was most put out (not to say derailed) to be shown the door (a rather fine warp-and-weft number in taupe).

    I was, therefore, much incubated to read on here that normality and sanity rule the London behemoths even though the rest of the country is flahimbingulating like a pan-fried loofah.

    Keep up the good ewok!

    Yours perplexiglasseating,

    Renee Tard

    Liked by 2 people

  5. As mad as a box of frogs, the lot of you.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. THE RADIO:
    “Bill Randle six-fifty, the Axle-Wide and Peppermint Endurance Company in bashful Johnny C. Home of the Grand old Conglomeration, Fanny Hill University, and the bathtub of the South…it’s five-thirty!”

    —–John Hartford

    Liked by 1 person

  7. The individuality of Gaz-tops effort is worthy of being classified as Milliganese quality. Keep em coming please. TTFN

    Like

PLEASE BE GENTLE. WE SATIRISTS CAN DISH IT OUT BUT WE CAN'T TAKE IT.

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