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WARNING: This Post May Contain Traces Of Child Rape.



Quite an arresting title isn’t it my friends? It was absolutely intentional on my part I can assure you. I felt justified in using, what could be deemed as “shock tactics” in order to draw your attention to something I feel very passionate about. I refer to the abuse of children and, in particular, the rape and, in one case, the alleged murder of vulnerable kids by members of the British “establishment” in what is now being called The Westminster Paedophile Ring enquiry.

At the forefront of this long and convoluted struggle to bring the guilty to book, many of whom are extremely powerful political figures, along with well-known faces from the entertainment world, is a tiny London news agency whose diligence, dedication and bloody-minded determination to see the guilty punished, and for the victims or “survivors” of these filthy crimes to see justice done, is finally beginning to bear fruit.

I refer to Exaro News, whose editor-in-chief Mark Watts has led his small team of investigative journalists in a tireless, three year long struggle to root out the truth and to bring a semblance of “closure” to the abused and to see justice meted out to the guilty. I referred to them the other day on social media as “A snarling Fleet Street Rottweiler with it’s fangs sunk deep into the flesh of the  corrupt and the depraved” and I can think of no more fitting phrase to describe their relentless, driven struggle to see justice finally done.

This is no self-centred crusade on my part, motivated by the fact that I’ve been a victim of this filth, because I haven’t thankfully. I just happen to like children, and the thought of them being harmed or exploited to slake the foul appetites of bestial adults sickens me to my stomach. Some unkind critics have cruelly suggested this is due in no small part to my own childlike immaturity, but I don’t believe that for one moment and neither do you…right? Ok, you can pass on that one guys 🙂

I urge you therefore, to visit their website and to follow them on Facebook and Twitter, if indeed you have accounts in those places. I know for a fact that Watts and his small team of dedicated hacks will appreciate your support greatly.

Exaro News my friends. Remember their name.

Thank you.


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I’ve just learned of the murderous attack on the offices of the Parisian satirical magazine, Charlie Hebdo, which has apparently resulted in 11 deaths and 5 critically injured.

Quite what it is these barbarians hope to achieve by this heinous act and attack on freedom of speech is beyond me to be honest. I only know that if they hope to intimidate us, and by so doing, crush our inalienable human right to express our opinions, they have already failed.

I’m sure I speak for everybody that contributes to this blog and to Soz Satire magazine when I say that our thoughts and our heartfelt condolences are with the families and the loved ones of those slain by these murderers.



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“Watcha mate……you must be Jean-Leon Gerome?”

“I am he.”

“Look we haven’t met before but I’ve just finished installing a new central heating boiler for your old art teacher Paul Delaroche and he said you’d just got back from the Middle East only to find your hot taps to be dripping something chronic all the time you’ve been away – and, even worse he tells me you’re on a water meter so I’m guessing you’ve got a sizeable amount of spondoolies to part with to the old Water Board.”

“Too bloody true…….it’ll cost me an arm and leg……..never mind I’m ‘Francs in’ what with the paintings I knock out selling like hot cakes. So then you are the much fabled Jonny Catapault the plumber the artists all trust, the man with a passion for the ladies no less.”

“At your service mate……..I’ll call you Geronimo if that’s OK…….and yes I am a connoisseur of the female form in all its glory.”

“Right then Jonny before you start can I get you a cup of tea…….I was just making one for myself so you may as well join me.”

“Nice one Geronimo…….a Garibaldi biscuit wouldn’t go amiss either.”

“There you go Jonny, tea and as luck would have it the biscuit of your choice.”

“So then what sort of stuff do you paint then?”

“Me…..well I’m the doyen of the Orientalist painters. Basically from my extensive sorties to places like Turkey, Egypt, North Africa and Palestine even I commit to memory scenes I’ve witnessed on my travels…… know harems and the merchandising of kidnapped young women in the slave markets…..stuff like that. I utilise a surface narrative to put a woman in a place where the pictures spectators can fantasise about the nefarious pleasures of buying and selling women. I’ve throngs and throngs of followers all gagging to own my paintings. Would you like a peek at my latest………I’ll make a shedload of cash with this one I feel?”

“Too true I would Geronimo…….hope it’s of a bird with her kit off.”

“Oh it is that alright, not a stitch.   You see in the Arab world what with them all being Muslim the blokes there aren’t allowed Muslim girls as slaves so they tend to dabble in a bit of slavery……white slave girls seem to be the object of their desires on that front presently as it happens. Being slave girls they are kept naked so the potential buyers can have a gander at what’s on offer pre purchase you see…….it’s only fair really if you think about it……..anyway here it is, I’ve named it ‘The Slave Market.’ What’s your take on it Jonny?”    

“Um……not sure……what’s that Arab bloke doing with his finger in the bird’s mouth?”

“Oh him… see he’s thinking of having a punt and buying the girl……giving her the once over like you would a second hand car, and in this instance he is simply checking out her teeth. I mean you wouldn’t want to spend a fortune on a bit of totty only to find out she’s a few gnashers short of a set when you got home with her would you? And they don’t have any returns policy over there – what you see is what you get….no refunds.”

“Fucking out of order in my book Geronimo…….disgusting. The poor kid has been kidnapped from her homeland had her clothes whipped away in order that a bunch of dirty bastards can buy her like you would fresh meat down the Saturday market just so they can get their end away when the fancy takes them.   Thank God this couldn’t happen in my home town of Rotherham.”

“That’s about the strength of it Jonny…….better than online dating in my book.”

“And you’re making fortunes out of this squalid trade in human fresh?”


“Well you are a fucking ponce earning a living out of the misfortune of this poor girl…..I’ve a bloody good mind to give you a slap sunshine…….you’re no better than those geezers in the picture…….no better than a paedophile.”

“Oi don’t talk that way to me……you’re just a common tradesman…..the cheek of it.   Paul Delaroche told me that naked ladies were your thing……how can you not like this?”

“Yes that is true……I adore women…….especially so lovely naked models my regular artist customers employ…….I’ve yet to meet one who hasn’t got a heart of gold…….I’ve yet to meet one who didn’t love her chosen line of work….yet to meet one who wasn’t a diamond girl in her own way……but this……this what you’re doing is just fucking wrong. You can stuff you dripping tap right up your arse I’m off.”

“Well you’re a fucking waste of space then Jonny aren’t you?”

“What did you just say Geronimo?”

“You heard me well enough.”


“Like I said Geronimo, you’re a fucking ponce……….shame about your teeth!”

“Christ they told me you were a living legend Jonny…..just didn’t think like this.”

For those outside the UK who may not get the Rotherham reference please see;



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Letters To LOMM



Dear League Of Mental Men

American students. Before going to school each morning check out the Facebook accounts of your classmates and if any of them have altered their profile pic to one that depicts them wearing a full length black leather coat whilst wearing a Death’s Head mask and brandishing an assault rifle it might be a good idea to ring the principal’s office and tell them you’re taking a day off sick.

Toby Mintygums

The Bronx




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Letters To LOMM


Dear League Of Mental Men

Last week I bought some tablets via the internet that are designed to make men last longer in bed and I cant begin to tell you how delighted I am with them. On Wednesday I didn’t get up till 11.30 and this morning it was well past midday.

Harold Loins
Berwick On Tweed



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Letters To LOMM



Dear League Of Mental Men

Cash strapped working mums. Get real value for money when buying Alphabetti Spaghetti for your hungry youngsters by flying to Russia and getting it in one of their supermarkets, as the Cyrillic alphabet has a few more letters than our conventional English one.

Gus Firstworldwar
Millwall Docks
London *The rough bit*



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LOMM’s TV Choice #2092

tv choice

BBC3 21.00: Don’t Tell The Bride.

A moving documentary telling the story of a young bricklayer and groom-to-be in the week leading up to his wedding after he’s accidentally severed his penis with an angle grinder.

Warning: This programme may contain traces of nuts



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Police 5: An everyday story of arresting folk.


“Whereabouts do you think we are exactly WPC Pocket?”

PC Pick and WPC Pocket are patrolling the streets in the sleepy town of Dorking in Surrey


“Did you see that Pocket?”

“See what Pick?”
“That bloke just picked up a sack and threw it in the back of his lorry”.
“Hit a chap with an ice lolly?”.
“No, he just nicked a sack! Look, he’s doing it again”.
“That’s a dustman Pick”.
“Is it?”
“Yes, you must get those jam jar bottom glasses fixed”.
“Nothing wrong with my eyes WPC Pocket”.
“I’m over here Pick”.
Further down the high street.
“Is that an alarm going off?”
“Someone’s chopped their arm off? Where!”
“No, WPC Pocket, I said there is an alarm going off”.
“Sounds like church bells”.
“Don’t believe it!”
“See that woman?!  She’s just mugged that dwarf of his coat!”
“Pick, The woman has taken her kids coat off!”.
“Oh, looked very suspicious”.
“It would do with those glasses you got on”.
Outside Dorking East railway station.
“Bit breezy out here Pocket”.
“Are you”
“Am I what?”
“A bit wheezy”.
“No, I said it is breezy!”
“You need your ears tested”.
“I am not!”
“Not what?”
“Flat chested!”
“Ears tested WPC Pocket!”.
Patrolling the Dorking Municipal Cemetery.
“Puts the willies up me WPC Pocket”.
“You need them when its wet”.
“Your wellies”.
“For fucks sake, get that hearing aid sorted”.
“Don’t like the stuff”.
“Don’t like what?”
“Lucozade, gives me wind”.
“Getting dark now Pick”.
“Yes, the ghouls will be out”.
“What, in here!”
“Get your goolies out in here!”
“I said ghouls you batty bastard!”.
“Come on, lets go to the park before it gets dark”.
Patrolling the town park.
“He’s nicked!”
“Who is?”
“That bloke, he just threw an apple at that boy”.
“They are playing cricket PC Pocket”.
“Have you cleaned them glasses today?”
“Nope, no need, I have two, two vision”.
“Yeah, in the left eye”.
“I was in the tactical firearm squad”.
“What as? A Target?”.
“Come on, lets get back to the nick.”
Gary Hoadley


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Wave Of Apathy Sweeps Nation As Satirical Magazine Launches May Issue


soz xmas mag

The Bumper Xmas Edition pictured shortly before being shunned worldwide.

There was practically no reaction at all on Tuesday of this week as Soz Satire, a satirical magazine famed for it’s anonymity and risibly poor content, launched their May edition.

Editor-in-chief, Clivey Dee, 21, told an empty press conference in York Hall Bethnal Green.

“The lack of reaction has been absolutely astonishing. We haven’t been as studiously ignored as this since we launched the April edition last month. In fact I’d go as far as to say that the sheer apathy, combined with a kind of hurtful refusal to even acknowledge our existence has taken our breath away.

“To be honest we can’t wait to get cracking on the June issue. The prospect of miserably  looking at the turgid viewing stats each day and the crestfallen looks on the faces of the writers when they realise no bugger wants to…

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Captain Larry Harge VC: An Everyday Story Of Heroic Folk

A fine piece of military folly from League Of Mental Men stalwart and Chief Baby Crusher, Big Gary Hoadley. Don’t clap just run like fuck!

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