The CEO and Sales Director of a pay day loan company pictured in the olden days
In what is being seen as a controversial move, the British government have announced plans to give classroom instruction to primary school children on how best to be taken in by unscrupulous pay day loan companies when they reach adulthood.
Lessons will be given on being naively suckered in to signing away your fiscal future and condemning yourself to years of destitution and worry by being fooled by ads featuring puppets of old people dancing around, or cute little talking animals singing along to catchy jingles.
Weeping at night, sick with worry about how you’re going to pay back the extortionate interest payments will also be covered as will how best to dispose of threatening letters and county court summonses without your partner seeing them first.
Advanced students will also be instructed on various suicide methods, including, hanging, overdosing on prescription drugs and jumping in front of trains.
Instruction on county courtroom etiquette, baliff-dodging and how to jump out of your skin and dive under a table whenever there’s a knock at the door will also be given.
A spokesperson for the Exploitative Loansharking Advisory Board said last night. “We welcome any measures that will teach our youngsters how best to fall victim to our heartless, manipulative ploys, and how to deal with the years of misery, depression and destitution that will surely follow. That will be £250.00 + Annual Percentage Rate of 800,000,000% payable by easy weekly instalments of £2000 or the surrender of your home and contents, whichever we think will line our pockets best”
“I Know Your Rights!”
I’m a 75 year old widow living alone in a small 2 bedroom house in Spitalfields, East London. Normally my heating bill is around £30.00 a month as I try to keep the gas fire off as much as possible. Then last week NPower sent me a bill for £97.39, telling me that the wholesale price of gas had risen and that I’d have to get used to paying a bit extra each month.
Please help me if you can Danny as I’m on a state pension and just can’t afford to pay the amount of money they want from me. I’m almost at my wit’s end with worry over this.
Thank you ever so much dear.
I’ve gone round to NPower’s head office a bit earlier and given one or two a good clumping. First up I’ve grabbed the geezer on reception by his tie and smashed his head on the desk a few times. Before I could turn round I got grabbed from behind by a couple of security. I wasn’t going to let a couple of mug straight-goers like that take liberties though and stuck the nut on the biggest one and then kneed the little geezer in the Niagras. They’ve both gone down like sacks of spuds so I’ve pulled me blade out, dragged their strides down and striped em both right across the ‘arris.
Next up I’ve jumped in the lift and gone steaming into the Area Manager’s office and chinned the boy with a peach of a right cross. As soon as he’s hit the deck I’ve stamped on his swede and put the millimetre tread on his dial. After laying the boot into his kidneys a few times I’ve gone through his pockets and had it on me toes with his wallet and credit cards.
Then on the way out I’ve pulled out me bat and given a few milky looking arseoles in the foyer one or two lively ones across the kneecaps for good measure.
All the very best to you Ivy, and if you have any further problems with this one please don’t hesitate to let me know.
For more spleen-rupturing exploits from the people’s consumer rights champ, have a butchers on this blog. http://sozsatire.wordpress.com/ Just don’t pull any strokes or I’ll come round your drum and serve you fucking up!