Tag Archives: WordPress

10 Facts About Blogging, With WordPress Family Val Hughes

wordpress val

 

Hi there. I’m Val, and just like you, I believe myself to be a much-admired and deeply respected member of our beloved WordPress Family, and just like you, I’m totally convinced that my fellow family members are all waiting with baited breath for my latest, fascinating piece. However, I couldn’t be more wrong, and nor could you, as this handy little 10 point guide to a few salient facts about blogging will illustrate:

1 – Nobody has ever written anything of real merit on WordPress…ever!  You just think you have.

2 – People who eulogise about your copy are bullshit artists who are just returning the favour. In point of fact, they are as painfully inept as you are, so their gushing opinions and wild plaudits are worthless anyway

3 – WordPress was invented in 1888 by Sir Garfield Hoadley’s nan, Minnie, the year when the murderous, Jack The Ripper, was stalking the fog-enshrouded streets of Whitechapel, plying his grisly trade. Some say that Jack’s crimes were by far the  less heinous of those perpetrated by the two protagonists.

4 – Minnie Hoadley is still alive today and has a bungalow in East London. Last year she gave birth to 15 children in one afternoon; a feat which saw her dubbed: ‘The Bunny of Bethnal Green’ by the tabloid press.

5 – It’s a well-established fact that the fewer followers you have on WordPress the better your posts tend to be. That makes The Satire Scrapyard, The Whitechapel Whelk, SoZ Satire, and The League of Mental Men the greatest blogs of all times.

6 – Nobody’s remotely interested in your vile, self-published book, so don’t keep on about it, there’s a good person.

7 – If you say WordPress backwards 3 times while simultaneously swinging round the pub sign outside The Boleyn Arms in Upton Park you will conjure up The Dark Angel from his shadowy lair. You will also make yourself be sick down your clothes.

8 – WordPress actually means “Arse” in Latin. The Emporer Caligula once famously exclaimed: “Look at the WordPress on that!” as a Thracian slave girl bent over in the street to pick up a five talon note.

9 – In 1780, the poet and essayist, Dr Samuel Johnson, said of WordPress: “When a man is tired of WordPress he has had a great result and should now go and do something more interesting; like watching box sets of The X-Factor, playing Pokemon Go, or making a replica of The European Court of Human Rights out of toenail clippings”

10 – 99% of people who come across your laughable, pretentious output while hurtling down their WordPress reader to ‘get it over with’, don’t actually throw up their hands in rapturous glee and think: “Oh goody!”, as you might believe. In actual fact they sigh inwardly, lose a little more of their will to live, and think: “Oh no, not that cunt again!”

Next Week: I will tell you how simple it is to amass over 1000 followers in an afternoon by visiting countless disgusting blogs you have absolutely no interest in and typing “Wonderful!” in the box provided…unless, of course, the blogger concerned is whining about the death of their mum, a recent cancer diagnosis or similar. In this instance, it’s probably best to give it a day or two

Kind regards from your favourite WordPress Family friend…ish

Val xoxoxoxo

 

 

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Working Out The WordPress Way With WordPress Family Val Hughes

wordpress val

 

Looking for the body beautiful? Has your sedentary blog-obsessed lifestyle taken its toll on your figure and physique? Then The Val Hughes Workout is for you!

Here are a few simple exercises to try at home when you’re stuck in front of your laptop or device feverishly looking for acclaim and validation from abject, like-minded literary failures like yourself.

First, and most importantly, warm up with a few short, duplicitous comments on a blog that appears to have been scrawled across the site by a drunken chimp. After 5 minutes, you’ll be ready to launch into the workout proper.

Remember to stay hydrated at all times as reading and pretending to like a steady stream of amateurish drivel can be pretty exhausting, even for the most seasoned bullshitter.

Exercise 1 – Crawlarse Squats: Bend the knees and squat down until your thighs are parallel with the floor. Hold and tense the buttocks for 5 seconds while telling an inept WordPress ‘poet’ that their vile output reminds you of Lord Byron at his finest. Repeat for 3 sets of 8

Exercise 2 – Fawning on the spot: March on the spot using high knee lifts while sucking up to a beetle-browed moron of a blogger who doesn’t know his arse from his ellipses. 2 sets of 12

Exercise 3 – Bullshit pull-ups: Using a pull-up bar, tell some absolute cunt of a ‘writer’ that you’ve read all his work and that you’d definitely buy his disgusting self-published bilge if it ever comes out. 3 sets of 8

Exercise 4 -Insincere stomach-churning crunches: Adopt a comfortable supine position on a bench or floor and sound as if you’re reaching orgasm as you comment on a particularly hideous piece of prose that’s quite frankly not fit to wipe your cat’s arse with.

Exercise 5 – Speed liking: This is a gruelling little number in which you race down your reader, liking everything you come across without even looking at the title. Try to manage at least 20 likes in 2 minutes and then work up to 100 plus when you become more proficient and even more devoid of a moral compass or sense of shame.

Exercise 6 – Self-Published Tripe Deadlifts: This is the final and most taxing exercise of the regime. Put all your utterly dire and unreadable self-published books – that you’ve tried desperately to flog on Amazon to a depressing assortment of gullible and astonishingly thick followers, into 2 suitcases and lift them by the handles until you are upright. Lower them down again and repeat for 3 sets of 8. A weightlifter’s belt should probably be worn for this physically demanding routine.

Finally, warm down by reading some of the heartening but wildly over the top comments on your own depressingly poor blog, bearing in mind that 90% of these people won’t have read it, and that the remaining 10% are as totally clueless as you are; which render’s their half-assed opinion utterly worthless

Remember The WordPress Family motto everyone: No pain, no delusional gain.

Kind regards from your WordPress Family friend

Val. xoxoxo

EDITOR’S NOTE: For more scurrilous accusations of ineptitude and duplicity, why not visit our sister blog: sozsatire@wordpress.com. You’ll get another basinful in there too I shouldn’t wonder 🙂

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Unto You A Whelk Is Born

Whelk Gravatar

 

Greetings my wuffly ickle WordPress Family friendzzzz!

I know I’m massive pain in the arse (my mum told me) but I’m going to ask you a huge favour if I may.

Along with a couple of other satirist reprobates and a talented graphics wallah, I have started a small, but perfectly formed, online spoof newspaper. It’s in its infancy at the moment but we have high hopes for our new baby and with your kind help we can get off to a decent start.

It’s a London-centric newspaper based in the Whitechapel area of East London – an area I know extremely well; and it basically consists of spoof news items, vignettes of local characters – some more outlandish than others – along with a sprinkling of hilarious (it says here) memes etc.

You won’t find any biting political satire here – I can get that stuff published elsewhere. It’s just a bit of fun and an enjoyable outlet for our somewhat bizarre sense of humour. Hopefully, you’ll find it as enjoyable and as much fun to read as we have enjoyed putting it together.

One old journo friend of mine described it earlier as “brilliantly funny”. However, he’s not to be trusted and is renowned for drinking heavily morning, noon and night, so I’d take that with a pinch of salt if I were you.

So please, take a quick look and give us a follow if you like what you see. We will, of course, follow you back, and our sub-editor – a brute-like creature who has worked his way up from being copy boy on The Illustrated London News in 1888 – will be more than happy to field your comments, suggestions and spiteful abuse in the order in which he receives them.

So here we go then guys. Our WordPress site and Facebook page (please ‘like’ generously. All proceeds go to an orphaned kittens hostel) are listed below for your delectation and delight.

Thanks and best wishes in anticipation of your poorly-judged patronage

Clivey Dee, 19, and The Whitechapel Whelk production drunks

https://thewhelkwordpresscom.wordpress.com

https://www.facebook.com/www.TheWhitechapelWhelk/

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Clivey & Gaz in: WordPress Family Values

clivey mini me

The scene is a small backstreet pub in Hoxton, East London. The lads are seated at a table in the corner, sipping their pints and puffing contentedly on their contraband e-cigarettes. Gaz appears to be in  reflective mood.

Gaz – Clivey mate…

Clivey – Yes? What is it Gaz mate? You appear to be in reflective mood son.

Gaz – Funny you should say that mate. I was just reflecting on how I’m in reflective mood at the moment. The thing is mate, I was just wondering if you’d read that last skit of mine. The one about suncream. You remember the one.

Clivey – I’ll say I do son! It was an absolute peach of a skit to be fair. Probably the finest you’ve ever written. I must have read it at least five times mate. In fact, not a day has gone by when I haven’t read it. Since you posted that skit I don’t mind telling you that it’s become a huge part of my life. I live to read it mate…absolutely live to read it!

Gaz – Thanks mate, it means a lot to me that does. I’ve read all your skits too you know? In fact, I’ve got my Irene to make voice recordings of every skit you’ve ever written, so that when I’m out on the road in the motor, or watching a good film on the telly, I can listen to your skits through my headphones and marvel at how great they are and how much I admire your skit writing and that.

Clivey – That’s nothing mate. I’ve written a play about all your skits and sent it off to a West End theatre producer in the hope that it’ll be turned into a box office smash. Then I’m going to take my old woman and the kids to watch it every night so that we can drool over your skit-writing ability as a family.

Gaz – That’s all well and good son but I’ve had all your skits set to music by Andrew Lloyd Webber and I’m going to get that Michael Buble to record a whole album that pays a fitting tribute to you, both as a man, and as a writer of top-class skits. It’s going to be called: “The Skit-Writing King & I” mate.

Clivey – Right…I’ve written to Barack Obama about your skits and he’s told me personally that he’s going to read your skits out to the American people on the telly every night until he relinquishes the presidency to Donald Trump or one of those other American political geezers. In fact, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he didn’t make himself the dictator of America just before the election and appoint you The Secretary Of Skits. That’s how highly I regard your skit-writing skills mate. I don’t mind admitting that I regularly use your skits to masturbate to son. I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve bellowed: “Christ what a blindingly funny skit you dirty bastard mate!” just before I’ve blown me custard.

Gaz – Blimey cheers mate! I find it hard to believe you’ve gone to so much trouble on account of your deep admiration for my skits, or that you use them to help you cum your cocoa. Did you read that one I wrote last week by the way? The one about the policeman? I was pretty chuffed with that one to be honest. It wasn’t as funny as any of your skits mind you. No skit could ever hope to achieve that kind of greatness mate!

Clivey – About a policeman you say mate? No I can’t say I remember that one. I expect I just clicked the like button on the reader, like I do with all the others. Was it good then mate?

Gaz – !!!!!

vote for clivey

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Three-Year-Old Remains Of ‘Serial Blogger’ Found In London Flat

skeleton

Does anyone know if I ever made it to Freshly Pressed?”

Now, before reading this one, please be advised that this skit is broad satire at its most ludicrous. I mean to say, anyone who would entertain such a far-fetched scenario as depicted in this tragic tale is clearly one bland, populist blog short of a mention on Freshly Pressed. Right?

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire#!better-dead-than-never-read/c1fyh

WARNING: May contain traces of the God’s honest truth.

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Danny Sparko: World Blogging Council Heavyweight Champion.

tough guy

Dear Mr Sparko

I’m a 20 year old female who enjoys posting on the WordPress blogging website. My interests are pottery, embroidery and all sorts of arts and crafts. At first, everything was fine and I enjoyed sharing my ideas with like-minded people, who would often be kind enough to ‘like’ and comment on my blog. However, over the last few months I’ve been harassed by a man who keeps making inappropriate suggestions. I’ve told him that I’m engaged to my long-term boyfriend and not interested in his advances, but he won’t take no for an answer and continues with his unwanted attentions. Please help if you can Danny as it’s making me ill. I’ve become reclusive and my family and friends keep asking me if everything’s alright.

Jade Shay

London

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Dear Jade

I traced this sleazy arseole through the IP address you provided and went round his house last night. As soon as he opened the door I’ve straightened him with a right-hander. He went down like a sack of spuds so I’ve given him a few toe-enders around the kidneys to sharpen him up a bit. Then I’ve dragged him to his feet and stuck the nut on him, breaking his nose. At this point, his old woman came out, shouting the odds and telling me to leave it out, but I told her to shut it and that it was between me and him. To be honest, the geezer was in absolute shit state by now and looked as if he’d had enough, so I stamped on his face a few times with me steel-toe-capped Martens, giving his dial the old 5 millimetre tread. On the way back down his drive, I sliced through one of his car’s brake pipes in case he tried to drive himself to hospital. Anyway Jade, I don’t think you’ll be hearing from this mug anytime soon.

All the very best for the future

Danny.

Disclaimer: Danny Sparko is a fictitious character and, in no way, shape or form, reflects the opinion of the author on how these sparkling heroes should be dealt with, nor indeed, the type of swift and effective home-grown justice that would be meted out if the aforementioned were given half a chance. This disclaimer comes courtesy of the Yeah Right! Board Of Control

Clivey.

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Filed under Humor, Humour, Satire

Today’s Weather For Facebookers

weatherman

“There’s an area of heavy irony moving in from East London babes. Wuff oo! XOXOXOXOXO”

There will be widespread LOLs across the entire region this morning followed by intermittent ((((((HUGS))))) and a few scattered cat pictures.

In the afternoon. a deep depression will settle over most parts with a number of boxes containing plagiarised words of wisdom and earnest political dogma, these may bring occasional blurred pictures of hideous looking offspring, becoming widespread in some areas.

Towards evening, there could be varying amounts of private messages, some of which could be quite heavy, with prolonged attachments containing small amounts of male genitalia, bringing long spells of dryness in the female gusset region. Testosterone levels will be particularly low in this area.

Overnight, there will be periods of light to heavy vomiting with occasional bursts of incontinence, as an area of lager, combined with fizzy white wine, settles over the entire region. These could be interspersed with the odd outbreak of cyber bullying, coupled with intermittent, laughable threats of violence from blokes with biceps like squashed Jaffa Cakes. These may be accompanied by occasional bursts of light female crying in low IQ areas.

Tomorrow will see another deep depression moving into the region with occasional bed sheet changing which in turn will give way to some thundery outbreaks and high winds in the south, resulting in brief periods of furtive underwear hiding.

The outlook for the week ahead is for more of the same but with occasional bursts of yawn-inducing birthday messages combined with the odd crass spelling error and attention-seeking suicide threat.

And now here’s the outlook for the week ahead in WordPress:

It’s a particularly gloomy picture here, with widespread sycophantic fawning and with a number of disingenuous “likes” and “follows” moving in for the afternoon. These will be accompanied by a  deep area of low intelligence and zero shame. Right from the word go there will be long outbreaks of truly appalling copy and absolutely risible poetry, bringing heavy gales of laughter, coupled with sporadic periods of wry amusement and light chuckling, particularly in the London area.

Clivey

The London Area

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The Soz Satire Mint Proudly Present: The WordPress Blog-O-Mate Butt Plug Of Hope

This piece first appeared in Soz Satire magazine and was nominated for The Liebster “I’m A Nosy, Intrusive Bastard Award” but was subsequently withdrawn for being too judgemental and searingly erotic.
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Are you sick of being beaten to the punch by other bloggers when it comes to liking or commentating on a recent post by one of your favourite members of the WordPress family? Do you find yourself logging into WordPress on your PC, laptop or device, only to find that one of your most loyal and valued followers has made a post and that you are about 75th in the list of likers?

Well those days could be over for good with the help of this clever little device my friends. The WordPress Blog-O-Mate Butt Plug Of Hope simply slides effortlessly into the anal cavity and will deliver a brief but powerful electrical jolt every time a pre-selected blogger of your choice clicks their “Publish” button.

Endorsed by WordPress themselves, the Blog-O-Mate will ensure that you never have to endure the heartache of seeing rows of small avatars lined up beneath that special post that you wanted so much to be the first to fawn over.

It can be used anytime, any place. Whether you’re at home relaxing, working at the office, or even in the shower. The Blog-O-Mate will make sure you never have to play second fiddle to your rival bloggers again. Order yours today and receive one of our “I’ve Got Far Too Much Time On My Hands” t-shirts absolutely free!

Warning: Always remember to remove the Butt Plug Of Hope before going to the toilet, particularly if you are going to evacuate your bowels. Failure to do so may result in extreme abdominal pain, bloating, haemorrhoids, a throbbing vein in the temple, and in extreme cases, death – for which the manufacturers cannot be held responsible.

Testimonials:

“I’m a fawning sycophant and as silly as a sackload of shit to boot. I honestly believe that by liking and commenting on other people’s blogs my own tawdry output will be in some way enhanced so the Blog-O-Mate was an absolute boon to me” – Miguel Sideboard. Torremolinos

“I couldn’t agree more! Since this wonderful little device started electrocuting my arseole at regular intervals I’ve never felt more popular or more loved by members of the WordPress family – Toby Menopause. Rotherham.

“I was having sex with my girlfriend when my Blog-O-Mate alerted me that somebody I don’t know from Adam had made a post. My girl found the experience so pleasurable she now makes a WordPress post whenever she’s at the point of climax. Thanks Blog-O-Mate!” – Marvin Kunt. Kent.

For express delivery of The Blog-O-Mate, send cash or a banker’s draft for £22,985.70p + £800.00 p&p to:

Clivey Dee

Soz Satire Magazine

Whitechapel (The nice part with hardly any prossies and crack fiends sleeping rough in it)

East London

Written by Clivey.

Graphic by The Artful Dodger

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Blogger Found Dead After Comment Was ‘Frozen’

skeleton

Terrible business this my friends 😦

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire#!better-read-than-dead/c1jlm

WARNING! This skit may contain traces of decomposing corpses and silly fuckers

Clivey

3 Comments

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WordPress Slams Satirical Magazine For Publishing Satirical Article

punch2

“That’s not the way to do it!” A WordPress “satirist” delivers his damning verdict

 

The popular blogging site, WordPress, have hit out at the online satirical magazine, Soz Satire, for publishing an article last night which they deemed to be “far too satirical and a bit short for our taste”

A spokesman for WordPress said last night “In our opinion the article was far too satirical and a bit short for our taste. This is not the sort of thing we wish to be associated with and we distance ourselves from it completely. The piece was barely 100 words long and contained little or no swearing. There was also a complete failure by the writer to document intimate, teeth-jarring details of his absolute, fucking car crash of a sex life. We most certainly will not be asking the magazine staff to accept an intrusive, and utterly tedious award, requiring intimate details of the lives of the writers any-time soon, let alone nominating them for our Freshly Pressed section that no fucker ever reads, ever”

The author of the piece, which satirised a convicted rapist being given his job back by a football club, Clivey Dee, 23, was contrite when  he spoke last night “Look here, I’m extremely sorry about all this. I shall write a mind-numbingly boring, one thousand word load of old toot with lots of lovely swearing and characters with funny names in it later today to make up for it”

Too see for yourselves what all the furore was about, and to be reduced to biting down hard on your knuckles when you realise there’s no facility to leave an irritating, time-consuming, fuck-witted comment, why not visit:

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

It’s called “An orthodox right winger” and is in the “Satire” section believe it or not.

Disclaimer: No sub-editors were killed during the writing of the above piss-take, but you can’t have everything I suppose

Clivey

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