This Made Me Ashamed To Be British!

A picture from the skit that made me ashamed to be British pictured last night

 

As the editor of a highly- ignored satirical magazine, there’s not much that makes me ashamed to be British. However, when I read this skit earlier, I felt like tearing up my passport and applying for Australian citizenship. I don’t mind admitting that I blubbed shamelessly from start to finish, in a mixture of impotent rage and a deep soul-obliterating shame. My anguish was compounded even further because I had written it not 10 minutes previously.

Can I ask you most humbly to read this from a compassionate and caring angle and not from the standpoint of some despicable foreign fuck.Thank you.

Clivey.

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire#!jammy-bodgers/c1907

PS. Could I also ask you to leave a small comment after you’ve read the piece. Only I’ve been feeling pretty low these last weeks and it’s only been the comments that you good folk have made on my work that have kept me from doing something rash. Only last night I was teetering precariously on the platform at London Bridge station, preparing to throw myself under the 22.50 to East Croydon, when my phone “dinged” and informed me of a particularly irritating and time-consuming, platitude from some annoying sap in Idaho or similar. I immediately felt a joyous surge of new-found joi -de-vivre course through my veins and went straight down the pub. I’m therefore thanking you in anticipation my friends, and I give you my solemn assurance that each comment will be read repeatedly until the dark, smothering blanket of despair leaves me and I go down the pub again.

The Antipodean Mint Proudly Present: The Oz Mate. The Australian Man’s Anti-Sheila TV Remote Control

 

“Stone the bloody crows! Fair go mate!”

Graphic by The Artful Dodger.

With a proud tradition of rabid misogyny of more than 200 years standing, we at The Antipodean Mint are delighted to offer you this unique and attractive, female-proof , TV remote control, guaranteed to ensure that the little woman never impinges on your inalienable right to boorishly control what’s on the box 24 hours a day again…ever!

Each device is lovingly machine-crafted by a member of our highly-skilled team of feckless, drunken Abbos and is fashioned using only the very finest low grade plastic and bits of old wire from Tasmania.

Using the very latest in communications and media technology, we have implanted each remote control with our unique, estrogen-sensitive sensor, which will detect unauthorised usage by a woman within seconds, thereby enabling you to dash home from the pub, or from the outside dunny, to administer the bloody good hiding she so richly deserves.

For just a few extra dollars our Oz Mate Deluxe Model also features a powerful built in battery which will instantaneously deliver a flesh sizzling 500 watt jolt to anyone who attempts to move it from its resting place down the back of the sofa or from beneath a pile of cushions.

Attractively priced at just $2378.25 and coupled with our easy monthly payments option, we’re so convinced you’ll be absolutely delighted with your purchase that we’re offering our unique, no quibble, money back guarantee if you return your Oz Mate to our office by hand within 12 minutes of taking delivery.

To receive your Oz Mate at some vague, unspecified time in the future, simply send a banker’s draft or better still cash to:

Bruce Drongo Ltd

The Crafty Dag Trading Estate

Perth

Terms And Conditions:  I’m a hairy-arsed, right wing, Aussie bastard who thinks women have small feet so they can stand closer to the sink. I fully understand that after parting with all my grog money for the next 20 years I will, in all probability, receive absolutely nothing by return of post.  I have no history of mental illness and I do not know how to use a knife.

Signed…

Coming soon from our sister company, The Soz Satire Mint: The All- American, “Blue On Blue” hand grenade. It only detonates when thrown at allied troops. “Ooops! Sorry buddy”

Clivey.

Australian Police Launch Nationwide Hunt For Man Suspected Of Initiating Foreplay With Girlfriend

“Brace yerself Sheila, I’m coming in mate!”

 

Australian police were on full alert last night as news broke that a 35 year old Sidney man may have attempted to stimulate his girlfriend sexually prior to intercourse. The 33 year old woman concerned is believed to be in a shocked and distressed condition and was being cared for by relatives last night.

A spokesman for the Sidney Police Department spoke briefly to reporters last night. “A 33 year old female has reported to us that a male Sidney resident attempted to commit an unselfish sexual act with her prior to consensual sex taking place. We are taking this matter extremely seriously and we urge women in the area to be extra vigilant and to alert police immediately if approached by this man. We also appeal to other women to come forward if they have ever experienced wonderfully pleasurable or deeply satisfying sex at the hands of this individual”

The man is described as being 6′ 2″ in height, of medium build with dark wavy hair and blue eyes. Police suspect he may be carrying a bunch of flowers and be displaying, what they describe as, “a friendly, affectionate and caring disposition”

A forensic team entered the man’s apartment late last night and emerged carrying a number of items which reportedly included a collection of romantic poems, a box of heart-shaped chocolates and a number of books on the female orgasm.

This latest news will shock the entire nation, still struggling to come to terms with the case of the  Melbourne man who was caged for 12 years last month for taking his socks off prior to making love to his fiancée during a romantic, two week break in Bali.

Clivey.

For more deeply unfunny material of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire I mean to say, strewth, fair go mate!