“Brace yerself Sheila, I’m coming in mate!”
Australian police were on full alert last night as news broke that a 35 year old Sidney man may have attempted to stimulate his girlfriend sexually prior to intercourse. The 33 year old woman concerned is believed to be in a shocked and distressed condition and was being cared for by relatives last night.
A spokesman for the Sidney Police Department spoke briefly to reporters last night. “A 33 year old female has reported to us that a male Sidney resident attempted to commit an unselfish sexual act with her prior to consensual sex taking place. We are taking this matter extremely seriously and we urge women in the area to be extra vigilant and to alert police immediately if approached by this man. We also appeal to other women to come forward if they have ever experienced wonderfully pleasurable or deeply satisfying sex at the hands of this individual”
The man is described as being 6′ 2″ in height, of medium build with dark wavy hair and blue eyes. Police suspect he may be carrying a bunch of flowers and be displaying, what they describe as, “a friendly, affectionate and caring disposition”
A forensic team entered the man’s apartment late last night and emerged carrying a number of items which reportedly included a collection of romantic poems, a box of heart-shaped chocolates and a number of books on the female orgasm.
This latest news will shock the entire nation, still struggling to come to terms with the case of the Melbourne man who was caged for 12 years last month for taking his socks off prior to making love to his fiancée during a romantic, two week break in Bali.
For more deeply unfunny material of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire I mean to say, strewth, fair go mate!