SWEENEY STYLE COP SHOWS ‘TOO CONFRONTATIONAL’ SAYS JEREMY CORBYN

Labour Party leader, Jeremy Corbyn, last night labelled 1970’s cop shows like The Sweeney and The Professionals as ‘excessively violent and too confrontational”

In a Q&A session in this week’s Socialist Worker magazine, Corbyn slammed the popular TV series for their: ‘overly macho protagonists’ and for having ‘shouty and unsympathetic bosses with little or no regard for the feelings for their subordinates’.

“The way people like Cowley and Haskins spoke to their workers was nothing short of a disgrace,” he said. “No wonder the likes of Jack Regan and Bodie and Doyle treated crooks and terrorists in such an unfeeling and arbitrary manner. Perhaps if their superiors had been a little more understanding we wouldn’t have had Regan bursting into the bedrooms of armed robbers, roughly demanding that they get dressed while their girlfriends had to cover their bosoms with a sheet.

“As for Bodie and Doyle out of The Professionals, was it really necessary for them to drive their car into piles of cardboard boxes in alleyways? Did they not stop to consider there could have been homeless victims of the Thatcher government seeking shelter inside them?

“In my view, PC Plod out of Noddy and Big Ears had the right idea. His portly frame and cheery demeanour would have been more than sufficient to deter any would-be bank robber or crazed, AK7-wielding fundamentalist, from being a silly billy”.

Corbyn’s criticism of TV police officers and members of the security services comes just two weeks after he condemned PC George Dixon of Dock Green, for threatening to clip a young, East London tough round the ear after spotting him holding the owner of a jeweller’s shop at gunpoint in 1965.

Fifty Grades Of Spray

“Lawd Jesus me yoot! Nah comment on me pussyclaat copy sah!…Roots!”

 

Fifty Grades of Spray
By Elsie Thribbet, ably assisted by Gary Hoadley

A large house in a suburban avenue.

“Doris, are we going to have a session then?”
“Have a lesson on what dear?”
“No Doris! A session in the bedroom”
“Lesson in the bedroom? What for Alf?”
“For god’s sake Doris, do I have to spell it out for you!?”
“You spilled what Alf?”
“I didn’t spill anything Doris! Are we going to have some fun?”
“Didn’t buy any Alf”
“Any what Doris?”
“Buns Alf”
“Look, you deaf old bat, are we going to bed?”
“This time of day?”
“Time of day to do what Doris!?”
“To go round to Fred’s Alf”
“Bed Doris”
“And I suppose you’ll be wanting a bowl of soup as well will you”.
“What?”
“With your bread Alf”
“Look! I want to have sex Doris!”
“You had the last ones with your breakfast Alf”

Alf has a little think…

“Not eggs you stupid woman… sex!”
“Well, you should have said Alf. I’m not a blinking mind reader!”.
“What do you think I’ve been going on about you twat!”
“Well, if you’re going to talk to me like that, I’m going to bingo!”.

The End

Sid Semtex: The Murderous Jihadist And Painting & Decorating Consultant You Can Trust

Graphic plus tea and sympathy by “Mina” 

 

Dear Sid

I’m thinking of giving our small downstairs bathroom a lick of paint and was wondering about preparation.

It was only painted last July so will it be necessary to wash the walls down prior to applying the first coat?

Thanks in advance for you help with this one Sid.

Tommy Blair

Stepney

East London

**************************

Dear Tommy

I will not rest until the broken bodies of the accused infidel dogs lie twitching at my feet! Rise up with me and my Muslim brothers and stand shoulder to shoulder with us as we crush the unbelievers and the western hyenas!

Only when the earth is cleansed of  their filth will Almighty Allah be appeased!

Death to them my brother! Death to them and all who would oppose us in our holy quest!

Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar!!!

PS. Never try to cut corners Tommy. Preparation is everything, so make sure you wash down all paintwork with a suitable astringent such as Sugar Soap before starting work.

All the very best

Sid.

This and more completely uncalled-for religious stereotyping here… 

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

Clivey

Letters To LOMM

Dear League Of Mental Men

People with high blood pressure. Avoid being a drain on The National Health Service with constant demands for expensive medication by simply cutting yourself during times of stress and bleeding into a bucket.

Toby Locust

Scotland

Clivey

 

Letters To LOMM

Dear League Of Mental Men

Can somebody please tell me how it is that Jack The Ripper can brutally murder and mutilate 6 prostitutes and get off scot free, while all I did was grab the barmaid’s arse in The Lord Rodney’s Head in Whitechapel and was promptly given 6 months imprisonment for lewd conduct?

It strikes me there’s one law for sexually insane late 19th century psychopaths and quite another for long-suffering Joe Public.

Teddy Vulva

East Timor

Clivey

Henry VIII Loses His Head: An everyday story of monastery dissolving folk.

 

“Oi! Are you trying to look up my dress?”

******************

The Court Of

King Henry VIII April 1535

 

Henry is in conversation with his closest confidante, Lord Qualcast Of Flymo, and is clearly not a happy camper

“Right, I want to know who has been at it with my bird”

“But Sire, we not dare interfere with the Queen”.

“Not the Queen you mug, my bit on the side, Jane Seymour”.
“But nought of no one Sire”
“Eh?”
“No one Sire”.
“If I find out, any of you mugs, has had a nibble, heads will roll!”.
“Yes Sire, is that all?”
“Yeah, send in my councillor”.
“Sire…”

Qualcast leaves, Lord Effingham enters.“Your grace, what bid you will?”

“Your Grace. What bid you will?”

Shut up you pillock, and speak properly”.
“Sire”.
“Now then, this bird I’ve been knocking off, is she of noble stock?”
“I’ve not seen under her dress Sire”
“What?”
“To see is she wears socks”.
“Stock! Is she of noble stock!”
“Oh yes Sire, She comes from the heritage of Edward III”.
“Good, now we need to make plans”.
“Shall I send for the cook?”
“What for?”
“To make the flans”.
“Plans Effingham! Plans”.
“Oh, yes Sire”.
“I’ve got to get rid of the Queen”.
“Is she going off?”
“What do you suggest Effingham?”
“Sire, I cannot harm my Queen”.
“Why?”
“She owes me a few quid”.
“Forget that, what about adultery?”
“He’s a good singer”
“Who?”
“Sir Roger of Daltrey”.
“For fucks sake! Are you mental?”
“No Sire!”
“Then why do you try my patience?”
“It’s tradition Sire”.
“Right, how are we going to get the Queen out the way?”
“Send her on holiday”.
“Nah, too expensive”.
“Have her assassinated Sire”.
“No, too messy”.
“Burn her”.
“Bad for my image”.
“What would your father have done Sire?”
“Given her the chop”.

Both men stand and stare at each other…

“What, poison the gravy?”
“Gravy?”
“With the chop Sire”.
“No, chop her head off with an axe”.
“Someone’s bound to notice”.
“Notice what?”
“The Queen walking about with no head”.
“She will be dead you twat”.
“So, you are going to kill her as well”.
“What do you think happens when a person loses their head?”
“They don’t need to wear a hat”.
“For fucks sake, who appointed you to my privy council?”
“You did Sire”.
“All we need now, is an excuse to lop her head off”.
“You caught her nicking your money”.
“She’s got more than me mate”.
“Called you a rude name?”.
“Everyone does that”.
“Eating garlic?”
“Treason”.
“Trees on what Sire”.
“No, I can have her for treason”.
“For putting trees on what Sire?”
“T.R.E.A.S.O.N, you numb skull”.
“Oh, treason!”
“Yes, I will say she made an attempt on my life”.
“She is your wife Sire”.
“What?”
“Anne Boleyn, she’s your wife”.
“I know, I’m going to say she made an attempt on my life”.
“Oh, right, will you need me to sign something?”
“Yes, a confession, stating you helped her”.
*Gulp*

The rest, as they say, is history. A bit like when West Ham won the FA Cup but not quite so long ago.

Gary Hoadley.

Editor’s note: I thought that crack about West Ham was a bit uncalled for to be honest didn’t you :(.

St Marvin’s Church Hall, Dorking: Bulletin Board

Dear Parishioner’s,

The hall has seen many faces come and go, thank the lord we managed to persuade “The Kim Jong Ill appreciation society” to give up their vigil. The violence was a little over the top but at least no one was arrested. This Easter we see some new faces using the hall and I hope they will be made as welcome as all our previous residents. Please report abuse of the hall to me.

​Rev H. Rancid

​

Monday:

​6pm to 7pm          The Dorking Crematorium Tap Dancers Club.

​7pm to 8pm          Herring Keepers AGM.                                                                               (No pickling please)

8pm to 9pm          The Four Skin Biological Forum.

​

Tuesday:​

2pm to 4pm          Dorking Anti Racist workshop.                                                               (No Blacks or Midgets)

​4pm to 6pm          Leather Truss collectors Club.                                                                (Slides by Mr Trimbole)

               
Wednesday:​

​12pm to 2pm        Pubic Wig Weavers General Meeting.​

​2pm to 6pm          Dorking Sadists Wednesday Club.                                                        (Please keep the noise down)

7pm to 10pm       Gay/Lesbian worm diviners.                                                                     (All welcome. No Trannies)

               
Thursday:​

​The hall will be closed to the Parishioners for the Dorking Vicars, Deacons and Vergers orgy please do not ask for admission this is an all ticket event. H.R.

 

Friday:

​9am to 12pm        Lower Dorking public toilet sitters club.                                               (No old pennies please)        

3pm to 4pm          Box Hill blind unicycle crash and burn team.                                      ( Reg Trollit R.I.P.)

​7pm to 9pm          Dorking Little bleeders Heamophiliac club.                                         (Please bring a pint)

               
Saturday:​

​7pm to 10pm        Dorking council estate punch up and Disco.

​

Sunday:

​Hall closed for disinfecting and cleaning.

​

Please make sure you book your place in the hall for next week. If you fail to turn up you will lose your deposit. I will make an exception for the Dorking amnesiac dancing troupe.

Please worship sensibly

Rev. HR

Gary Hoadley

Letters To LOMM

Dear League Of Mental Men

Isn’t it about time that the TV production team responsible for ER actually made a decision on a title for the show?

I realise the Americans aren’t the most decisive people in the world but in my view this pontificating has gone on quite long enough.

George Cooney

Alabammy

Clivey

World Moisturiser Stocks Dwindle As Olly Murs Tones His Great Big Face

“I gotta big face”

There was widespread concern in the world of male grooming yesterday when the latest figures revealed that stocks of moisturiser had descended to an all-time low after pop icon Olly Murs ordered over 500 tonnes to be delivered to his luxury Essex home on Monday of this week.

It is believed that Murs, 15, employed a work gang of over 200 beauticians, who worked tirelessly over  four days, massaging the skin toning application into his gigantic face.

A spokeswoman for Nivea, who supplied the material and workforce for the herculean task, told us last night. “It was an enormous undertaking to moisturise Olly’s massive dial but we were determined to succeed. We used an industrial muck spreader to spray the cream onto his enormous face before teams of up to 50 girls, working in 10 hour shifts, rubbed it into his pores, some of which were more than a metre in diameter. We  got there in the end though and the big smile on Olly’s gigantic clock was reward in itself for all our hard work”

Murs, who is currently being deployed in the search for missing Malaysian airliner, flight MH370, where his big eyes are proving invaluable in scanning the sea bed for debris, said last night. “I’m obviously sorry that world moisturiser stocks are depleted but I have to say all that cleansing and toning has proved an absolute boon given that I’m having to dip my gigantic dial in the drink for hours on end”

This latest revelation comes just two weeks after cotton stocks almost ran out when Simon Cowell had a new pair of his gigantic trousers made in a specially converted aircraft hangar in Taiwan.

Clivey

Letters To LOMM

Dear League Of Mental Men

To improve our flexibility and to induce a sense of well-being, my wife and I decided to enrol in a Pilates class at our local health centre.

Imagine our disappointment when we arrived for our first session only to find ourselves in a room with a number of people dressed as the Roman prefect of Judea.

Billy America

Iraq

Clivey